I'm going to write a book. The title will be "A Turkey Sandwich Without the Feathers." As the title suggests this will be a light hearted look at life. Full of foibles. Metaphors. Similes."You go, gurrrrl friend," moments. Observations that everyone can relate to. Readers will nod and say "uh huh." And smile. I'll have a lot of suggestions like: pet a puppy today or smile at a stranger or contact an old friend. An emphasis on seeing the best in all of God's creatures. Common sense stuff. There'll also be some charming stories about my aunt Theresa, God rest her portly soul. I'll talk about faith but not in a way that will make anyone uncomfortable. The political comments in the book will be in the form of tut tutting racists and other extremists. Stuff like: Weren't those 9/11 terrorist awful? I'll include a recipe for meatloaf that'll make you a real hit with the family. It'll be a really really cute book (it really will!). I'll have rib tickling chapter titles like "Hams Without the Wry" about non funny actors who overact. You get it, right? I'll appear on a few talk shows -- not the ones with people yelling at each other or the kind hosted by acerbic comedians. I'll have nice pleasant inoffensive chats with the hosts, who'll talk about how they simply "LOVE" my book. So will Larry King who'll have a blurb on the back of the book jacket. I won't get on his show or Oprah, but that's cool. The book will be a huge hit. Walgreen's will carry it.
Once I'm through with the book tour I'll sign a big contract to write a sequel. Then I'll buy a shotgun and blow my brains out.