07 August 2009

Coming Soon To A Theater Near You!

A synopsis of coming attractions at any U.S. movie theater at any time.

The apocalypse soon! Alien invasion, polar ice cap melting, huge meteor striking Earth. Fortunately one of your favorite and most handsome movie stars is on the case (with a lovely female co star). There is a gruff but lovable general or president or prime minister played by a favorite character actor. But most of all there are frightening special effects. See the Statue of Liberty blow up. The Golden Gate Bridge submerged under tidal waves. The Eiffel Tower shake, shimmy and roll. All the scarier because IT COULD HAPPEN! Peter Travers of Rolling Stone raves: "The must see hit of the Summer!"

Arty indy schlock. See one of Hollywood's most glamorous stars slumming in this off beat look at lower middle class struggles. Yes, the accompanying music reminds you of the soundtrack from your worst hangover, but its a perfect accompaniment to this touching story of regular people in rural communities facing love, disaster and oddly tinted shaky hand held camera shots. What these people go through you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. An official entry at the Yankton, South Dakota film festival and a winner of the Hanoi Festival's Grand Jury prize. Peter Travers of Rolling Stone raves: "If you see one movie this year make it this one."

Quirky off beat romance. This is a different kind of love story with an oddly matched pair of misfits. They may feel like society's outcasts, but they find solace in one another. Not another gross out teen comedy, this is the melding of a director's vision and two extraordinary actors ready for stardom! Soundtrack replete with appropriately off beat and quirky songs. The actors ride bicycles and laugh. Even though they have mean parents and cruel classmates and boring teachers!!!! Peter Travers of Rolling Stone raves: "The greatest love story of this, or any other generation!"

A sequel! Finally someone not just out to make a buck, someone with a novel idea. Get this: take a movie that did boffo at the box office and create a continuation of it! Use the same actors, people will be familiar with them and their characters. Sure it may not make a dime but such creativity! Imagine the mind that thinks this stuff up! Plus they'll be plenty of 'splosions and cool CGI special effects. Peter Travers of Rolling Stone raves: "The greatest film ever made. Ever. Period."

Two sexy stars in a thriller! International intrigue and two beautiful leads. They may be on other sides but they'll find themselves in the same bed. Exotic locales. Suggestive dialogue. Quirky co stars. Heroes extricating themselves from seemingly possible situations. You can't be sure but it looks like they'll be a twist or two in the story and just maybe the stars will wind up together in the end with everything being okay. Peter Travers of Rolling Stone raves: "This is not a movie, this is an experience that will rival the greatest orgasm you've ever had."

A documentary few of you will ever see. Here's a probing documentary into how really eccentric and obsessed some people are. Look at the odd things they do with such passion and how they talk endlessly about it. See the corporate and political meanies who try to stop them. Watch our hero speak up at a local council meeting. They're not only off beat, but brave! We come to admire them in what is an oddly heart-warming story that will inspire people of all ages. Peter Travers of Rolling Stone raves: "Not since the resurrection of Christ has their been such an important experience."

Seemingly incomprehensible foreign film. From a different country where they don't speak English comes the story of a boy and his quest for something. Not sure what. Looks kind of like a documentary but it's probably not. The locations are in a couple of different European countries. The film has won like a gazillion awards, but just in Europe so far. There's a lot of arguing and hugging and some of the actors are old people. Peter Travers of Rolling Stone raves: "S' Okay."


Unknown said...

ahh!! this may be one of my favorite posts of yours ever (and that is a big list to top!!) WOW!! Absolutely spot on!!

"The must read funny movie post of the summer!" - Peter Travers of Rolling Stone


Casey said...

This is a riot! You've voiced the complaints of many a bored modern movie-goer here. Job well done!

Juliette. said...

I don't think anyone's ever made me laugh so much through their use of the exclamation mark. Great writing.

I think the foreign language description was my favorite, but that's quite difficult, as they were all great.

You better watch it though...Peter Travers is likely to come poking his nose over here for some review ideas. ;)

Millie said...

This post was incredibly brilliant!

Meredith said...

i've fallen and i can't get up, i'm laughing that hard.