Groucho, of course had a rich life in entertainment outside of the film industry, most notably with his long running show, You Bet Your Life which ran from 1947 through 1961, first on radio than on television. Groucho was a master ad libber but also one of the great humor writers of all time. Of course many of the one-liners below were written by Groucho who was a master of delivery. Here then is part one:
From The Cocoanuts (1929) in which Groucho played Hammer.
And now, friends, in view of the fact that Miss Potter's engagement is being celebrated here tonight, so to speak, I think a few words from her mother would be revolting! I now take great pleasure in presenting to you the well-preserved and partially pickled, Mrs. Potter.
Now, over here on this site, we're gonna build an eye and ear hospital. This is gonna be a sight for sore eyes.
Now, look, I'm gonna take you down and show you our cemetery. I've got a waiting list of 50 people at that cemetery just dying to get in. But I like you. You're my friend. I like you and I'm gonna shove you in ahead of all of them.
This is the heart of the residential district. Every lot is a stone's throw from the station. As soon as they throw enough stones, we're gonna' build a station.
From Animal Crackers (1930) in which Groucho played Captain Geoffrey T. Spaudling.
Why, you've got beauty, charm, money! You have got money, haven't you? Because if you haven't, we can quit right now.
Hello, I must be going/I cannot stay, I came to say I must be going/I'm glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.
How happy I could be with either of these two if both of them just went away.
The crooks! The crooks! They're escaping. Follow me men! Never mind the men, just the women!
From Monkey Business (1931) in which Groucho played Groucho.
Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean... flee to my lodge in the hills.
What? And leave this woman here alone with her husband? Suppose her sweetheart came in?
I wish to announce that a buffet supper will be served in the next room in five minutes. In order to get you in that room quickly, Mrs. Schmalhausen will sing a soprano solo in this room.
From Horse Feathers (1932) in which Groucho played Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff.
Baravelli, you've got the brain of a four-year old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
I don't know. I was gonna get a flat bottom, but the girl at the boat house didn't have one.
My boy, get in there and play like you did in the last game. I've got five dollars bet on the other team.
Well, I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech. And that reminds me of a story that's so dirty I'm ashamed to think of it myself.
Jumping anaconda!
I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.
Why don't you go home to your wife? I'll tell you what, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement she'll never know the difference.
Anything further, Father? That can't be right. Isn't it anything farther, further?
From Duck Soup (1933) in which Groucho played Rufus T. Firefly.
Married. I can see you right now in the kitchen, bending over a hot stove. But I can't see the stove.
Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can't make head or tail of it.
You're a brave man. Go and break through the lines. And remember, while you're out there risking your life and limb through shot and shell, we'll be in be in here thinking what a sucker you are.
Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did.
(More from Duck Soup in part two, which will appear here tomorrow.)
And now, friends, in view of the fact that Miss Potter's engagement is being celebrated here tonight, so to speak, I think a few words from her mother would be revolting! I now take great pleasure in presenting to you the well-preserved and partially pickled, Mrs. Potter.
Now, over here on this site, we're gonna build an eye and ear hospital. This is gonna be a sight for sore eyes.
Now, look, I'm gonna take you down and show you our cemetery. I've got a waiting list of 50 people at that cemetery just dying to get in. But I like you. You're my friend. I like you and I'm gonna shove you in ahead of all of them.
This is the heart of the residential district. Every lot is a stone's throw from the station. As soon as they throw enough stones, we're gonna' build a station.
Why, you've got beauty, charm, money! You have got money, haven't you? Because if you haven't, we can quit right now.
Hello, I must be going/I cannot stay, I came to say I must be going/I'm glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.
How happy I could be with either of these two if both of them just went away.
The crooks! The crooks! They're escaping. Follow me men! Never mind the men, just the women!
Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean... flee to my lodge in the hills.
What? And leave this woman here alone with her husband? Suppose her sweetheart came in?
I wish to announce that a buffet supper will be served in the next room in five minutes. In order to get you in that room quickly, Mrs. Schmalhausen will sing a soprano solo in this room.
From Horse Feathers (1932) in which Groucho played Professor Quincy Adams Wagstaff.
Baravelli, you've got the brain of a four-year old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
I don't know. I was gonna get a flat bottom, but the girl at the boat house didn't have one.
My boy, get in there and play like you did in the last game. I've got five dollars bet on the other team.
Well, I thought my razor was dull until I heard his speech. And that reminds me of a story that's so dirty I'm ashamed to think of it myself.
Jumping anaconda!
I married your mother because I wanted children. Imagine my disappointment when you arrived.
Why don't you go home to your wife? I'll tell you what, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement she'll never know the difference.
Anything further, Father? That can't be right. Isn't it anything farther, further?
Married. I can see you right now in the kitchen, bending over a hot stove. But I can't see the stove.
Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can't make head or tail of it.
You're a brave man. Go and break through the lines. And remember, while you're out there risking your life and limb through shot and shell, we'll be in be in here thinking what a sucker you are.
Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did.
(More from Duck Soup in part two, which will appear here tomorrow.)
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