I was rummaging around among some blog posts from days of yore and I came across the beauty below. It is a synopsis of coming attractions that might appear at any U.S. movie theater at any given time. It was tagged among my "favorite posts" and deservedly so. However, my blogger dashboard indicates how many views posts have had and I was surprised that considerably less than a billion people have viewed this gem. So I thought I'd give the world a second chance. Surprisingly, despite the paucity of views its had, the post received several comments all of which were laudatory. (Follow this link to see the original post and comments.)
The post is not particularly timely because very few of us are in movie theaters these days sitting through trailers. But it might make one nostalgic and help prepare us for our inevitable return to theaters (one hopes).
(I have edited the post to make it even better this time -- tell your friends.)
The apocalypse soon! Alien invasion, polar ice caps melting, huge meteor striking Earth. Fortunately one a much-loved and hand some movie star is on the case (aided by a lovely female co-star). The film also features a gruff but lovable general or president or prime minister played by a favorite character actor. The films is replete with frightening special effects. See the Statue of Liberty blow up. The Golden Gate Bridge submerged under tidal waves. The Eiffel Tower shake, shimmy and roll. All the scarier because IT COULD HAPPEN! Peter Travers of Rolling Stone raves: "The must-see hit of the Summer!"
Arty indy schlock. See one of Hollywood's most glamorous stars slumming in this off beat look at lower middle class struggles. Yes, the accompanying music reminds you of the soundtrack from your worst hangover, but it's a perfect accompaniment to this touching story of regular people in rural communities facing love, disaster and oddly tinted, shaky, handheld camera shots. What these people go through you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. An official entry at the Yankton, South Dakota film festival and a winner of the Hanoi Festival's Grand Jury prize. Peter Travers of Rolling Stone raves: "If you see one movie this year make it this one."
Quirky offbeat romance. This is a different kind of love story with an oddly matched pair of misfits. Yes they're outcasts, but they find solace in one another. Not another gross out teen comedy, this is the melding of a director's vision and two extraordinary actors ready for stardom! The soundtrack features appropriately quirky songs. The actors joyfully ride bicycles and their laughter drowns all the negative stereotypical characters who surround them. Peter Travers of Rolling Stone raves: "The greatest love story of this, or any generation!"
A sequel! Finally a filmmaker not just out to make a buck, a filmmaker with an original idea. They've taken a movie that did boffo at the box office and created a continuation of it! A sequel!!!! (What brilliant minds conceive of such ideas?) Well-worn characters doing more of what they've done before in similar circumstances with predictable outcomes. Sure it may not make a dime but such creativity! There'll be explosions, chases and special effects galore. Peter Travers of Rolling Stone raves: "The greatest film ever made. Ever. Period."
Two sexy stars in a thriller! International intrigue and two beautiful leads. Our stars may be on opposite sides but they'll find themselves in the same bed. Exotic locales. Suggestive dialogue. Cardboard cut-out co-stars. Heroes extricating themselves from seemingly impossible situations. You can't be sure but it looks like they'll be a twist or two in the story and just maybe the stars will wind up together in the end with everything being okay. Peter Travers of Rolling Stone raves: "This is not a movie, this is an experience that will rival the greatest orgasm you've ever had."
A documentary few of you will ever see. Here's a probing look into how really eccentric and obsessed some people are. Look at the odd things they do with such passion and how they talk endlessly about it. See the corporate and political meanies who try to stop them. Watch our hero speak up at a local council meeting. They're not only different, they're brave! We come to admire them in what is an oddly heart-warming story that will inspire people of all ages. Peter Travers of Rolling Stone raves: "Not since the resurrection of Christ has their been such an important experience."
Seemingly incomprehensible foreign film. From a different country where they don't speak English comes the story of a boy and his quest for something. Not sure what. Looks kind of like a documentary but it's probably not. The locations are in a couple of different European countries. The film has won like a gazillion awards, but just in Europe so far. There's a lot of arguing and hugging and some of the actors are old people and there are no hotties in the movie. Peter Travers of Rolling Stone raves: "I didn't get it."
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