Advising my Twenty-Four-Year-Old Self

Left to right, me, my brother his first child, his wife, brother-in-law and mother-in law.

Confident. Happy. Self-assured. Long blonde hair kissing my shoulders. A short, slender but healthy-looking lad. In one photo (above), grinning broadly as I lean against my older brother, who is holding my first niece. The other photo (below) reflects a seemingly more serious young man, staring confidently into holding the ever-present beer. I was hundreds of miles from home participating in a three-day debauch. There would be good food, booze aplenty, and young women my age. I'd be on the prowl. There was also the security of the family: Father, brother, aunt, uncle, cousins, and more. Old acquaintances to renew, new friendships to be forged. Me at the apex, still climbing higher.

I was recently sent two photos I'd never seen before taken in the summer of 1978. I was then twenty-four and a few months away from meeting the love of my life, a woman who has been my wife for the past thirty-three years.

At the time the pictures were taken, I reckoned myself to be on top of the world. I was young, handsome, athletic, witty, charming, sociable, and enjoying success as a newspaper reporter in Chico, California. I was also a lothario, and indeed the pictures were taken at a huge July 4th gathering in Mendocino during which I had a one-night stand (with the sister of a woman I'd seduced at the previous year's bash). I was also arrogant, self-centered, and cavalier. I'd enjoyed a lot of success early in life, first as a soccer star and then as a journalist. I had also suffered mightily having had a paranoid schizophrenic mother who had made much of my childhood a living hell. But that was behind me. Mom couldn't touch me anymore, and having survived those horrors, I thought myself invincible.

Studying the photos, I was awash with nostalgia and — as the cliche goes — memories came flooding back. I was really very happy back then in a way I would never experience again. Depression and anxiety were as yet unknown to me. But I was a practicing alcoholic, a smoker, and an occasional drug user. I was too hedonistic to contemplate my future. Ten months later, I would make a decision that did irreparable harm to my future, which was followed over the next few years by other impulsive life-altering decisions that did further harm. (Somehow, I came out of all these missteps, got married, got sober, became a father, and started on a teaching career that has lasted for 34 years.)

I've been wondering what I'd say to the young man in those photos if the universe somehow allowed me to travel back and speak to him.

Probably something along the lines of the following:

Don't leave the newspaper for a few years and then only for a better such position or a similar position in a better place.
You will meet the woman of your dreams soon, treat her well from the beginning.
You might as well start easing up on the drinking now and don't start using cocaine. The sooner you realize that you're an addict and go into a 12-step program, the better.
Get over yourself. You're no damn better than anyone else. Respect and learn from your elders. Look up humility in the dictionary and practice it.

Yours truly.

Watch out for impulsive decisions. Think several steps ahead. Live in the present but have an eye on the future. Know where you're going.

Have a regular exercise routine.

Be an honorable man.

Don't use women.

You've got a lot of pain stored up from your childhood. Don't hide from it. Deal with it. Counseling will help. 

Psychiatry is useful but seek alternative methods too. Be careful about side effects when prescribed medications.

Love yourself. Forgive yourself. Love others. Forgive others.

Look for the good in people. Don't obsess about negatives in others.

Yes, you're an excellent writer, but take your craft seriously and practice it daily.

I have good news for you: You will have a long, happy marriage and two wonderful children you will adore, and you'll be a good father. You will also be uncle to four children and grand uncle to seven more. You'll be good at it and much loved.

You'll have a lot of good friendships, but don't cast friends aside for petty reasons. Keep them close to you.

You're going to be blessed with excellent physical health. Be grateful.

Invest in something called Apple computers as soon as possible. Watch for it.

I love you.

The twenty-four year old me was not a bad sort. He'd been dealt a bad hand early in life and would later have to deal with PTSD from being an abuse survivor. He be beset bypanic attacks, have to recover from drugs and alcohol and would suffer severe depression. There would also be instances of injustices suffered and bad luck but the lad would prove resilient and well, here he is today doing all right. I envy and pity my younger self. He threw so much away, wasted so much time, hurt some people and spent years staggering around high and confused and purposeless. But he found resources within himself to improve his lot and become a dedicated family man and contributing member of society who, as a teacher, positively impacted a lot of lives. That 24-year-old version of me had no idea what was to come.

I miss him. I miss that time. I am him. I am that time as much as I am today.