I'm sure regular readers of this blog (I'm looking at you Gilgamesh O’Hara of Fernley, Nevada) will remember that on two previous occasions I’ve posted actual texts that I’ve sent my beloved wife. Ever since people have been begging for more (or they’ve been begging me to stop — one of the two). So because of/despite your pleas, here is a third edition. These are a bit unusual and you may find yourself questioning if they are real, but that’s half of the fun.
Oops, almost started a thermo nuclear war. I’ll tell you about it when I get home.
I’ll be home late and it’s not because I’m having an affair with a swimsuit model, it’s for a perfectly understandable reason that I forgot.
The badger is loose in the parlor again. Dealing with it.
Be sure to pick up some orca steaks when you stop at the store.
I’ll be home suspiciously late and it’s not because I stopped at an orgy.
Investing our money in a company that makes rotary cell phones.
Saw a samurai decapitate a bus passenger for not giving up his seat to an elderly woman. Fine with it.
Going whaling this weekend. You cool with that?
Did not stop at a sorority house to “mess around” I went to…uh, a lecture. Yeah, that’s it, a lecture, or a poetry reading whichever one you believe.
The brown acid that is circulating... is not specifically too good. It is suggested that you do stay away from that. Of course it's your own trip, so be my guest; but be advised there is a warning on that one.
Leaving the house now, don’t want to be late for the exorcism.
Don’t forget to pick up my lederhosen from the cleaners.
Sorry about burning down the house, if it’s any consolation I saved a bunch of my stuff.
I’m out for a walk and not stopping at the sexy divorcée’s house for any hanky panky (unless she’s home).
I’ll meet you at the seance.
The aliens who abducted us the other day came back. Wanted to know where they could get some good Szechuan. I directed them to O’Malley’s pub just to mess with ‘em.
Have you had any luck diffusing the bomb in our basement? Try to hurry, I need to use the bathroom.
The travel agent called back, doesn’t recommend vacationing in Iran.
Our neighbor, Gorman, lost his leg in a car accident. I’m going to help him look for it.
I know you saw me kissing the gorgeous blonde who lives across the street but there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation that I haven’t had time to think of yet.
