From the Mailbag, I Answer Reader Questions

Beatrice Angelheart, My Girl Saturday

I’ve accumulated a lot of questions from readers over the past few months and thought I’d answer some of them here. I exclude those questions that are from job seekers or those offering me lucrative deals or begging for my hand in marriage (I’m taken). Due to the high volume of queries that I receive I’m unable to answer them all, of course. My secretary and Girl Saturday (she was my Girl Friday but I’ve promoted her) Beatrice Angelheart, sifted through the many questions and has helped me select a representative sample. We strove to find those questions that I am most frequently asked. Maybe you'll see one of your own.

Question from Mr. Occam Razor : You’ve had a successful, beloved, critically acclaimed blog for almost thirteen years. What's your secret?

Steroids. Show me a law, rule or code prohibiting bloggers from 'roiding up.

Question from Hiram Oxbreath: What do you think was the best decade for American films?

The 1760s.

Question from Jean-Paul Pennybacker: You’ve been teaching ESL for a number of years. What are some of the interesting countries that your students have come from?

Formosa, Indochina, Yugoslavia, Persia, Dutch East Indies, Siam, Prussia, Ceylon, Rhodesia, Republic of Genoa, Mesopotamia The Ottoman Empire and Narnia.

Question from Celine Leon: Do you have a favorite actor?

Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Question from Ms. Liina Liepzig: What is your favorite planet?

I’m a big fan of Earth but mostly because I’ve yet to visit any of the other planets, though I do hear good things about Uranus:

Follow-up Question: I beg your pardon?

The planet, not your rectal cavity.

Question from Ms. Charlize Theron: Would you consider having a sexual dalliance with me?

I’ve told you a thousand times I am, and always will be, faithful to me wife. (Psssst…meet me behind the gym tonight at eight.)

Question from Linus Appalling: Where do you live?

On Sunset Blvd. in the Chinatown section of Casablanca, near a Cabaret with Annie Hall (who is A Woman Under the Influence) where I enjoy the City Lights. I used to live in Manhattan, right On the Waterfront where they kept the Battleship Potemkin. There were some really Goodfellas there who would eat Duck Soup with me and my friends Fanny And Alexander. That was after The Great Escape from my job as a Foreign Correspondent when I truly enjoyed the Sweet Smell of Success.

Question from Helga Hootandaholler: How did you get your start in blogging?

I apprenticed under the legendary blogger and master brewer, Heinrich Boll. I then studied blogging at Frostbite Falls University and went on to get an advanced degree at Cambridge. I started with the firm of Heep, Micawber and Trotwood, working my way up to the position of Vice President for Internal Affairs before starting my own blog in 2008.

Question from John Normal-Name: Did you hear that noise? What was that?

I took it to be a radio signal from a distant galaxy. But perhaps it was a fax coming through from 1993.

Question from Charles “Chick” Chicory: Do you have any pet peeves?

No, I’ve never kept a peeve as a pet. Only dogs, cats and walruses.

Question from Gideon Glock: Do you think you’ll ever get any better at this?

That’s exactly what my wife said on our wedding night!

Question from Princess Gladys of Glockenspiel: What is your favorite film about a bumbling idiot?

It’s a Blunderful Life.

Question from Rex Panther, Esquire: What are some sequels that are actually good?

The sequel to The Third Man was good, The Fourth Man. I liked the sequel to Dog Day Afternoon, Dog Day Early Evening. I also enjoyed the sequel to Modern Times, Post Modern Times.

Question from Colonel Nigel Stink-Bottom: I find your weak attempts at humor to be most unfunny.

How about my strong attempts?

Question from Sistine Chapplle: Will you please stop? This is getting tedious.

That's another thing my wife said on our wedding night!

Question from Nestor Pluckfeather: What is your most distinctive feature?

My extreme humility. I’m quite proud of it.

Question from Banzai Nipppleman: Do you know you're a real jerk?

No, but if you hum a few bars I can fake it.

Question from Dean Moriarty: How Much Does the Sky Weigh?

The Earth has a surface area of 197 million square miles. Multiply that by four billion, and you have the Earth's surface area in square inches. With atmospheric pressure being an average 14.7 lbs (6.6kg) per square inch, the sky weighs roughly 5.2 million billion metric tons. Another way of looking at it, according to the United Kingdom's Science and Technology Facilities Council, is in its equivalent to Indian elephants. By that measure, the sky weighs equal 570,000,000,000,000 adult Indian elephants.

Question from Lana Burner: How did you spend your summers as a child?

I worked on my uncle's donut farm. There's nothing comparable to getting up at dawn and picking a fresh glazed off the vine. Of course when you pull off a donut it creates the distinctive hole in the middle.

Question from Max A. Million: How ya doin'?

Pretty well, all things considered. How's about you?