Coronavirus Quarantine Diary: Day Sixteen, Entry Six, A Preview of Forthcoming Films is Provided

From No Country For Old Hen

It’s been just over two weeks and there’s at the very minimum another four weeks (and that’s wildly optimistic) of this god awful quarantine. This is my first ever quarantine (how many have you had?) and it is starting to carry with it a weighty and oppressive depression. I was going to write about how sad this all is and how it's made all the worse because we have a pea-brained, prevaricating, narcissist in the White House, but the thought of it made me feel even worse. Better, I reckoned, to distract myself from the pain and do something light that might have the added benefit of entertaining and enlightening my readers (both of us).

While rummaging through the dark portals of the internet I recently came across cache of Hollywood scripts that had been green-lighted and were in full production or already completed. What I found remarkable about these films was a new marketing strategy whereby new films are to be given titles that are only one letter off from already well-known movies. One assumes the geniuses in Hollywood know their stuff. So I now provide some of these forthcoming titles along with very brief synopses and a snippet from production notes.

Raging Bill. A biopic about disgraced Fox News personality, Bill O’Reilly. Christian Bale stars and predictably Jay Roach directed. Bound to annoy conservatives and titillate liberals with low brow tastes.

The Man Who Would Be Bing. This is the story of a Bing Crosby impersonator who loses his mind and becomes convinced that he is in fact the legendary (and deceased) crooner. A study of the powers of celebrity, nostalgia and psychosis.

The Last Retail. A post apocalyptic tale of the last retail store. Very dark but beautifully shot in muted tones by Ridley Scott with Viggo Mortensen as the gruff but lovable assistant manager.

Dead Man Talking. This the story of a garrulous ghost. A comedy for the whole family with Eddie Murphy voicing the deceased gabber. This seemingly light fare touches upon our anxiety over death and our fear of being cornered by a motor-mouth.

The Big Sheep. A scientific experiment goes awry and a rural area is overrun by massive sheep. A modern horror story/sci fi thriller that will have audiences pondering eternal questions. Look for a Jeff Goldblum cameo as the bemused veterinarian.

Apocalypse Wow. A completely different take on the end times. This is a rollicking musical about the end of the world. Replete with toe tapping numbers and catchy tunes. Think La La Land meets The Road.

The Limes of Others. A psychological thriller about a farmer who becomes obsessed with the superior lime production of his neighbors. This tale of jealousy and madness will recall Treasure of the Sierra Madre. Joaquin Phoenix stars.

Scenes From a Carriage. Comprised entirely of conversations in carriage rides in 19th century New York. Very New Wave, Avant Garde and edgy. It’s My Dinner With Andre writ large.

No Country for Old Hen. This animated feature is destined to be a classic. The titular old hen finds that she is unwelcome on her farm and sets out on a journey of self-discovery in which she befriends numerous other wise or witty talking animals. Look for a live action feature edition a few years down the road with Wanda Sykes as the hen.

The Graves of Wrath. In this the latest zombie film, the dead rise in anger because their cemetery has fallen into ill repair. The cast includes a bevy of A list stars slumming to make a few extra bucks.

A Dish Called Wanda. Another animated feature, this one is about how objects in a kitchen come to life. They revolt against the humans in their house with the knives serving as the shock troops. The rebel leader is a dish named Wanda (Cate Blanchett in her most challenging role to date).

Gulp Fiction. Interconnected stories about people eating and drinking hastily. Cinema verite at its finest. Destined to be a cult classic.

The Seventh Meal. In this allegorical tale of gluttony, foodies over- indulge, eating seven meals in a single evening. Hidden truths are revealed and no one is spared in this epic drama from Paul Thomas Anderson.

Mead Girls. In an ode to the Italian Neo-Realism films of the early 1950s, Mead girls is a stark and honest look at the lives of young women who serve mead at a popular Brooklyn Mead Bar. A black and white film with no frills but plenty to say.

The Slop Around the Corner. The latest from the Coen Brothers defies easy description. It is ostensibly about a resident in an otherwise bucolic neighborhood who refuses to dispose of his trash. But there’s a lot going on here, especially with a rich cast of  eccentric characters.