Twenty-One "Facts" About Myself, Some of Which Might Seem Far-Fetched But All Are "True"

The alien I met, Leonard.

I played bass in the Bill Evans trio.

I am a board certified cock fighting referee.

I’ve never eaten bread.

I can walk on one hand —my left.

I was the inspiration for the man in the yellow hat in the Curious George books.

I had a close encounter of the third kind with an alien named Leonard.

I attended Cardinal Richelieu Middle School.

I once inadvertently high-fived Osama Bin Laden at a chess tournament.

I’ve been told I bear a striking resemblance to John the Baptist.

As a CIA agent I once followed myself for three hours only to lose me at a county fair.

I once stole Richard Nixon’s favorite tie clip.

My doppelgänger is African American woman named Tessa.

I was the original choice to play Lincoln in the Steven Spielberg biopic of the same name but had to drop out because of a scheduling conflict.

A former imaginary friend of mine named Klaus went on to gain fame as the “proctologist to the stars” in Hollywood.

My first novel has been translated into 27 languages including pig latin, Esperanto and Klingon.

I worked my way through college as a village smithy.

With the aid of a Macarthur genius award, I have developed a strawberry-flavored haggis parfait.

My nickname in college was Beauregard Heidelheim Aristotle Magnus Llanfairpwllgwyngyll.

My cattle rustling career was cut short by a pinky toe injury.

I once heard Donal Trump express concern for the welfare of another human being.

I once went to bed so late that I passed myself getting up the next morning.