On the Assumption that Confession is Good For the Soul, I Reveal the "Errors" in my Resume

I think it’s time to come clean about my resume. It’s unlikely that I’ll ever use it again so this comes rather late, but I’ll feel better making a clean breast of it. It would be an understatement of titanic proportions to say that I was prone to exaggeration, embellishments and excesses in creating the various iterations of my resume that were sent out or handed over throughout my professional career. From the time of my first resume (when dinosaurs roamed the Earth) to the most recent version I sent out before getting the job I’m currently laid off from, I have been prone to padding. This much padding could stop a tank.

Let’s start with education. I was never a Rhodes Scholar and indeed it can be said I barely ever qualified as a scholar. I've never even been on the Greek Island of Rhodes. Also I did not attend the Sorbonne nor MIT nor any of the seven Ivy League schools I claimed to have matriculated at. (Yeah seven, you think I’d claim to have gone to Yale? Come on.) Also, I not only did not earn nine PhDs, I didn’t even earn six. Or three. Or one. Also, I did not earn an advanced degree in neurophysics nor in fact do I know what the hell neurophysics is. Neither did I study taxidermy, criminology or criminal taxidermy.

I do not speak 21 languages and in fact don’t know a word of Swahili, Iroquois or Tagalog. However I do indeed boast fluency in Pig Latin.

I am not board certified to perform seances nor have I successfully communicated with the dead, indeed I have great difficulty communicating with the living.

I’ve never worked at a morgue and am now wondering why I thought claiming to have done so would have been seen as benefitting me as a teacher.

Among awards and honors won or earned you can eliminate the Nobel Peace Prize (I don't think anyone was buying that one anyway), the Pulitzer Prizes, the Congressional Medal of Honor, the Heisman Trophy, the FIFA Player of the Year, the Academy Awards for Best Screenplay and Best Achievement in Music, all the Boy Scout Certificates, Time Magazine's Man of the Year and Home & Garden's Green Thumb Award -- which is to say all of them.

I am not a black or any other color belt in karate.

My special interests do not include developing a cure for amoebic dysentery, although I’d be happy to see such a cure successfully developed.

Not only did I not work for NASA but I never went on an Apollo mission. However I did watch news highlights of some, if that’s any consolation.

I feel compelled to confess that I did not invent DVDs, CDs or LSD. I also did not found either the United Nations or The Justice League and I’ve been given to understand that the latter is fictional.

I am not the co-creator of the Star Wars films although I did see the first one during its initial release.

Among my special skills you can cross out the following: critical thinking (or any other kind, for that matter), decision-making, problem-solving (although I am adapt at creating them), teamwork (as if!), tap dancing, balloon-making, telekinesis, x-ray vision, archery or proficiency in Excel. I do stand by my claim that I have memorized all the letters of the alphabet but must admit to being shaky about their exact order.

My employment history does not include stints as a member of the Clinton administration, president of General Motors, Director of Interpol, Dean of Students at Vassar, Victoria Secrets model (what ever possessed me to include that I cannot tell you) lead singer of either the Mormon Tabernacle Choir or Mott the Hoople or sommelier at the Hyatt Regency in Paris.

Finally I cannot boast actually having volunteer experience with Habitat For Humanity, Doctors Without Borders, The United Way, The American Red Cross, the Peace Corps or Big Nate’s Original Burger Barn in Waukegan, Illinois. I did once volunteer to wash the dishes when my wife was ill.

Other than that the resume was fine. The stuff about high school and the job cutting bait down by the wharf you can take to the bank. Sorry about the rest.