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| My great source of comfort during the pandemic, the Klondike bar. |
The missus and I have discussed the fact that the pandemic came at perhaps the best point in our lives for this sort of thing. For one, the children are grown, so we don't have a couple of rugrats under foot. I loved being a father to two small children but that love was aided by the ability to drop them off at daycare or school five days a week. Also this would have been awful to go through when I was a young man (and dinosaurs roamed the earth) and was, shall we say, on the prowl. My heart goes out to young people who should be enjoying dating, parties and nightclubs. Anyone who had a live-in partner when this mess started is doing okay but so many others are denied the opportunity to develop crushes, have the excitement of first dates, fall in love and then get their heart ripped out and stomped on.
Recently a set of weights that I ordered seemingly a millennia ago arrived and I've been able to up my indoor workouts. Along with walks, this is helping to somewhat mitigate my increased desire for sweets (my god I love Klondike bars) and chips, a few things that I generally eschewed pre pandemic but now allow myself to indulge in. Maybe I'll wise up before this whole thing is over and start maintaining a strict diet. Anyway I got me a little gym action going on. (Hey, future generations, how are you enjoying reading this? Are you a descendant of mine or are you doing research on the pandemic of 2020 or have I become posthumously famous and simply "everyone" is reading me these days?)
Now it's time for me to completely switch gears and present one of those amusing little lists that everyone loves (I'm assuming people love them, I never get any damn feedback). This one is as clever as all the rest (I can hear eyes rolling well into the future after that sentence). Here goes:
By their titles, many films promise us an animal or two but fail to deliver. This can be quite frustrating for animal lovers and can be construed as false advertising. Mind you there are those movies that do come through, such as Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds (1963) which has many, many birds in it, and the Samuel L. Jackson vehicle, Snakes on a Plane (2006) in which there is both a plane and snakes and the biopic of Dian Fossey, Gorillas in the Mist (1988) in which gorillas frolic both in and out of mist. But I will here show you that in most Hollywood productions that promise an animal, often in a specific circumstances, no creature so much as makes an appearance. Here are but a few examples.
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| Dog Day Afternoon. Plenty of Pacino, no dog. |
Raging Bull (1980). Another Oscar nominated film, this one from Martin Scorsese, with a Best Actor performance by Robert De Niro. I've watched it many times and have yet to see a bull in it, raging or otherwise, not even as an extra. How did they get away with this? Preposterous.
They Shoot Horses, Don't They? (1969) Jane Fonda and Michael Sarrazin starred in this Sydney Pollack directed film and Gig Young snared a best supporting actor Oscar. All well in good but not only were no horses shot in this film, none showed up, not even in the background. Horse lovers must have howled. Rip off.
The Falcon and the Snowman (1985) co-starred Timothy Hutton and Sean Penn. However, not only did it not star a falcon there was nary a snowman in the movie nor snow, for that matter.. That's two lies in one title. I''m sure audiences anticipated the fascinating pairing of a predatory bird and a self-aware snowman. Refund, please.
Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (1958). What's not to like about a film that stars Elizabeth Taylor and Paul Newman? I'll tell you, the total absence of a cat. There is none on a hot or even cold tin roof, nor any other kind of roof. Based on a Tennessee Williams. One hopes that in the theater production a cat featured prominently.
Where Eagles Dare (1968). A World War II thriller starring the cinematic odd couple of Richard Burton and Clint Eastwood. Maybe the film should have been titled Where Eagles Dare Not Show Up, because none did in this movie, despite the title. Stupefying.
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| Seberg, Sellars, no mouse. |
The Silence of the Lambs (1991). It's hard to believe that they gave the Best Picture Oscar to a film that so blatantly lies in its title. While you do get Jodie Foster and Anthony Hopkins, you don't get any lambs, neither silent nor noisy ones. Shameful.
Save the Tiger (1973). Jack Lemmon won a Best Actor Oscar for a film in which not a single tiger is saved nor even appears. Here I was looking forward to Jack Lemmon rescuing a tiger. Scandalous.
Three Days of the Condor (1975). This stylish thriller of Seventies paranoia co-starred Robert Redford and Faye Dunaway, two performers then in their prime. While it takes place over the course of three days -- as billed -- it does not include a condor or even a lousy parakeet. It should have been titled Three Days of Robert Redford.
The Day of the Jackal (1973). Another thriller, this one about an attempt by a paramilitary group to assassinate Charles de Gaulle. All well and good but at no point do we meet a jackal on what is supposedly its day. Ludicrous.
The Squid and the Whale (2005). This early work from director Noah Baumbach is perhaps the worst offender on the list. It promises two different animals and delivers neither. In fact they comprise the totality of the title. The animals are not supposed to roar or be silent or take up a day or an afternoon or three days, They are not supposed to rage or be saved or be on a roof or be paired with a snow creature or get shot. They're the whole deal yet are never shown. Utterly outrageous.
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