Last week I wrote a post on this site (where else?) on the perils of dating. Today I’m providing a follow-up wherein I offer dating tips for those of you single folks (if you’re in a relationship you can still go ahead and read this, but shame on you if you consider utilizing any of my suggestions — go hug your significant other.)
Am I the right person to be giving men dating advice? Given my dating history you’d think not. Most of the time during my dating years I was high. For all of that time I was something of a cad. What they call a “player” these days. Obviously I’m not proud of it. So who’d want to take advice from me?
I’d argue that I’m uniquely qualified because I know precisely what NOT to do and I’ve spent decades wishing I’d done A rather than B. I’ve also got one helluva lot of life experience (you can’t even begin to imagine how old I am). Anyway, I’m confident that I can help and what’s it costing you to read this?
I’m writing this from the perspective of the heterosexual male but I’m sure women could utilize this as could gay people. Trans folks maybe too. Here goes.
Don’t ask someone out for the sole purpose of getting laid. That’s just wrong. Of course you find the person attractive and may indulge sexual fantasies about them — that’s natural. But you should also be able to imagine and desire a relationship outside of the bedroom. After all, even in those early days when you’re going after each other like rabbits in heat, you’re spending most of your time together NOT making love. So the first question about a person you’re interested in is: do I want to do more with them than fuck? If the answer is yes, proceed.
Given that you’re interested in more than getting the person in the sack, suggestion two SHOULD go without saying. It’s best if you know a little bit about the person, maybe have a relationship of some sort. You’re in a class together, you go to the same gym, you work in the same field, you live in the same apartment complex. You should have — at the very least — exchanged a “hi, how are you?” or two or better still had a bit of a chat. If not, where did you derive your interest in this person? Any brief encounters you’ve had should have established that you genuinely like the person and you have common ground.
Okay, you find a person attractive. You’ve exchanged pleasantries but there you should also feel a connection, an undefinable vibe. If the other person feels the same towards you, you’re suggestion of a date is going to be met with enthusiasm and there’s a good chance you two have a future. I’m speaking of chemistry. A man can think a woman is the most gorgeous creature on earth, she can be single, they may have something tangible in common, but without chemistry, it ain’t going anywhere. You’ll know it if it’s there. If it isn’t you might still want to do things together and ultimately become friends. Sometimes chemistry develops over time, but it shouldn't take too long.
Try to figure out their relationship status. This might require a little detective work but it’s worth it. If they’re living with someone or engaged or been dating someone for awhile, just forget it. Don’t try to break people up. Don’t try to make someone cheat. Of course, you can check back, people do break up.
When you do go out don’t dominate the conversation. Ask questions. Get to know the person. Aim to let them do at least sixty per cent of the talking. They’ll appreciate this and it will help you get a sense of whether future dates are in order.
Don’t try to impress them. Just be straight forward about your past, present and hopes for the future. Don't exaggerate, certainly don’t lie. It’s better to compliment them then to self promote.
Speaking of compliments, don’t go overboard with them, especially about their appearance. One comment on beautiful eyes can go along way, pouring it on begins to sound like you just want to get laid. Also compliment them on more than looks. People like that. If you can’t think of anything else nice to say them, then what the hell are you doing with this person?
Remember details. If they mention having two younger brothers or that their father died when they were in high school, make sure you store that away. People like that you remember details about them, especially important life events.
Are you boring them? If so, change the subject or ask a question. Don’t ramble on about something that they don’t care about. Read the room. If their eyes have glazed over while you discussed your coin collection maybe move on to the weather.
Be enthusiastic. Seem like an energetic, happy person with particular passions. No one wants to hang out with a dullard. You want to seem like someone who it would be fun to be with (and if you aren't someone fun to hang out with, you need to sort that before you start dating).
Look for clues that you’ve got a future together — or don’t. If you like the same kind of music, especially particular singers or groups, that’s a big plus. If she loves reggae and you hate it…uh oh. If you’re polar opposites politically you can still make it work (people do) but the odds aren’t great. Certain lifestyle differences can work. You like romcoms, they like sci fi, maybe not a big deal. You love baseball, they don’t — maybe not a big deal. But if they like to go hiking on weekends and you prefer a museum, that can be significant. If you want to explore South American beaches but they want to go to European capitals, that’s a biggie. Two people who love rock climbing and two people who like to go to poetry readings have a much better chance than…well, you get the picture. The key is how big the differences are, because there’ll be some.
Look for warning signs: Is the other person damaged? Do they want a relationship or need one? Are they looking to be fixed? Your goal is to find romance, not to be a therapist. Everyone has issues, but is this person’s issues plentiful, serious and on full display?
If you’re going to propose a second date be smart about it. If there’s a forthcoming concert they mentioned wanting to go to and you wouldn’t mind taking in…..If an interest was expressed in a new restaurant….If there’s a play opening next week and they're into theater….Be smart about this. Don’t offer to take her to a baseball game if she’s not a fan — unless she expressed an interest in taking in her first game.
Towards the date’s end assess whether you still like them as much. Maybe the chemistry wasn’t really there. Maybe you’re too different. Maybe it’s clear they don’t like you. You may need to cut your losses.
If, on the other hand, you feel like you’re falling in love (you’re not, not yet, anyway, give it time) don’t let them know that. People get scared off if someone is too effusive or seems needy. A lot of people need to ease into a relationship. Whirlwind affairs are rare.
Here are five things to “be.” You be these, you be fine:
Be polite. Be honest. Be yourself. Be fun. Be honorable.
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