I’m finding that as I grow older I have less to say and less urgency to say it. Not so with a lot of people. Much to my annoyance I see people in all places imaginable having long phone conversations, heedless of their surroundings. Is there really that much to talk about? And have things become so urgent that people will take phone calls anywhere at anytime including, for example, at the gym while working out?
As a public school teacher I spent days, maybe weeks worth of my life in meetings where people rambled on about things best handled in an email — or in the pre internet days, a memo. Everyone had their say -- twice. How many times did I hear people say, “I’d just like to piggyback on what Bartholomew said." Please don’t. We are just now recovering from Bartholomew’s diatribe. To hear it re-iterated serves no purpose. It’s fine if you just say: “I agree with Bartholomew.” We get it.
People do love the sound of their own voices. What better way to confirm that you’re a sentient being? You speak and you’ve contributed, you’ve been part of, you’re in the tribe. And the ego! People have heard your words, they’ve heard your insights. They better know the magnificence that is you.
Thank you for sharing.
I like twelve-step meetings because in theories egos and artifices are out the door. You’re supposed to be speaking your truth. What it is or was like for you. Sure at such meetings some people will grandstand. Addicts are notoriously egotistical, but at least the premise is to bare your soul and most people do. There is also no cross talk and the pre-meeting agreement that you shall be brief and you only get the one turn. (Other types of meetings can feature a few voices dominating the conversation while a few others remain mute throughout.) I do, incidentally, remember a few people at AA who used meetings as an opportunity to preen. There was one older chap in my early days who always and I mean always included in his shares at least one reference to drinking with William Holden. I got the distinct impression that in reality he had probably once been in the same bar as the great actor. Then there was the Brit who always, and I mean always, referenced the horrific scenes he witnessed as a soldier of her majesty’s navy in the Falkland’s War. The first time one heard him it was dramatic and moving. The tenth time you wanted to punch him in the face and yell: “quit showing off.” Anyway such people are the exception rather than the rule at AA.
But I digress….
I had a stepmother who was a chatterbox. She might have been able to outtalk anyone I’ve ever known. I was not a fan of this woman and never understood why my father married her and how he managed to stay with her all those years. She was neither the most erudite nor articulate woman on the planet so in actuality had little of interest to say which never stopped her from saying it. A lot of what she said was downright stupid like complaining that the actors in school plays weren’t that good (I waited for her to reveal that grammar school students weren’t as learned as PhDs.) Like many people who ramble on incessantly she repeated herself. When she met my Dad my brother was living in Europe as he continued to do for the first three years they were together. I wish I had a dollar for every time she said of my brother: “he’s like a myth to me.”
The woman was also an alcoholic (but unlike yours truly she never went into recovery). Alcohol made her all the more garrulous. It also meant that the many, many, many words she spoke were slurred. She also tended to ask the same question over and over having never managed to remember the answer any of the dozens of times it was answered. My God she was but tedious company.
Once I had a co-worker who also never knew when to shut up. I would be busy getting ready for a class and he’d start rambling on a topic of mutual interest to he and himself but something I’d already expressed a complete antipathy towards. Heedless to the fact that I clearly wasn’t listening he would chatter on. On two occasions I left the room to make photocopies. I’d return to find that the absence of someone to listen had not stopped his verbal diarrhea. Imagine carrying on a one-way conversation with no one even able to accidentally hear what you were saying.
Prior to that gent I had a colleague that you dare never ask the innocuous “how was your weekend?” query. If you made the mistake of doing so you were subject to a never-ending stream of consciousness touching upon every hour of the past forty-eight. I even avoided the simple, “how are you?” It should come as no surprise that students found her to be an excruciatingly boring teacher owing largely to the fact that she would never shut up.
Knowing when to shut up is a crucial component to being a good teacher. It’s also — I firmly believe — central to being a good friend. There is no greater social sin than boring people.
Silence really is golden.
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