Earlier this month I visited God’s parents. Though private people they graciously consented to an interview (they’re admirers of this blog). Floyd and Gloria live in a modest home in Arlington Heights, a suburb of Chicago, with their cat Bubby and a cocker spaniel named Fred. Floyd is a retired insurances salesman and Gloria still works part time as a middle school librarian. Floyd is an enthusiastic philatelist who admits using his son’s connections to bolster his stamp collection. He also enjoys puttering around in his garden, bowling and watching baseball. Gloria is an avid knitter and enjoys reading a good mystery. When I visited them Gloria served tea and oatmeal raisin cookies she’d baked that morning.
Me: You must be proud of your son.
Floyd: Well, yes, he’s accomplished quite a lot, creating a universe and having all encompassing power is pretty impressive plus —
Gloria: But more importantly he’s always been a good boy, maybe a bit temperamental at times….
Me: What was he like as a child?
Gloria: Precocious. He was walking and talking almost from the beginning.
Floyd: He was ahead of the curve on almost everything.
Gloria: Well, except for potty training, he struggled —
Floyd: Don’t embarrass the boy by talking about that.
Me: How soon did you realize that he had what it took to be the almighty?
Floyd: When he started creating creatures.
Gloria: Out of thin air, mind you.
Me: Would some of these be the animals that are with us today?
Floyd: Oh no, this was awhile ago. We’re talking now about dinosaurs.
Me: I’d imagine that could have been terrifying.
Gloria: Dear me, yes. I was almost eaten by one.
Me: Did he gave you any trouble as a child?
Gloria: Not really except that he pouted a lot. The school counselor noted he responded well to praise. I think we overdid it. “Nice job cleaning up after yourself,” “oh look how nicely you got ready for bed” “thank you for putting your toys away.”
Floyd: Yeah he got to the point where he didn’t just expect praise but was demanding it. It’s a problem to this day. You know how he wants a whole day set aside to honor him —
Gloria: He’s a gone a bit too far with all that and not saying his name in vain, I mean that’s a bit extreme. We should have put him in his place right then and there.
Floyd: We were too lax with the boy.
Gloria: Still he’s been a fine son and done a lot of good in the world.
Me: But what about all the famine and pestilence and war. I mean the Holocaust alone —
Floyd: Just because someone is God doesn’t mean they’re perfect.
Gloria: It’s easy to point out his mistakes but remember there are flowers, sunny days, mountains, beautiful creatures, music, all kinds of wonderful things.
Me: Bit of a mixed record.
Floyd: Now you’re getting into the whole argument about whether what humans do are his fault or theirs.
Me: Does he listen to everyone’s prayers? Seems a big job.
Gloria: Frankly no. He’s got a service. But they’re really good about getting important messages to him.
Me: Let’s talk about his son.
Gloria: Such a fine boy.
Floyd: Very proud of him. Really sensitive kid. We were devastated when he died.
Gloria: But so delighted when he came back.
Floyd: Yeah, sure but then he ascended to heaven again. We rarely see him.
Me: By the way, where exactly is heaven?
Floyd: You head toward Saturn then take a sharp right at Titan — it’s one of Saturn’s moons, you know — and in a few light years you're there. Our boy’s a real stickler about people not coming unless they’re deceased.
Gloria: He’s always been one for rules.
Me: Is there a hell?
Floyd: Are you familiar with CPAC?
Me: The Conservative Political Action Conference?
Gloria: Bingo.
Me: What do you call God?
Floyd: By his given name, Craig.
Me: He has a brother and a sister.
Gloria: Yup, Craig's the middle child. Our oldest boy Lonnie lives in Canada, runs a bait shop near a popular fishing spot. But you've met him. The baby is Celeste. She manages a Banana Republic in Stowe, Vermont. Divorced -- poor dear -- raising two lovely children.
Me: Does Craig visit you and his siblings often?
Gloria: Not often enough. Always claims to be busy overseeing the universe.
Floyd: You’d think by now he could leave a lot of the day-to-day operations to underlings.
Gloria: We do seem him on holidays. He particularly loves Thanksgiving. He has a fondness for my pumpkin pie.
Me: Is he married?
Gloria: Separated.
Floyd: We liked LaShondra but they’ve had their troubles as some couples do. He can be pretty possessive.
Me: I sometimes hear people, athletes for example, say that all the glory goes to God. What exactly does that mean?
Floyd: It’s nice to hear your boy recognized but frankly neither of us can make heads nor tails of what that means.
Gloria: It’s a little much, if you ask me. I understand people thanking him for this or that but they do tend to go to extremes. He may be a deity but he puts on his pants on leg at a time just like everyone else.
Floyd: Well, actually now, dear, he can put them on two legs at once.
Gloria: But that’s just showing off.
Me: Is there predestination?
Floyd: I’ve asked Craig that a number of times but he just winks.
Gloria: You’d think he’d tell his own parents.
Me: Does he remember you on your birthdays?
Floyd: He’s very good about that. If nothing else a gift materializes in the morning with a card. If he has time he drops by or takes us out.
Me: Do people recognize him?
Gloria: Some do.
Floyd: Not enough, though. He loves the attention.
Me: Are you religious?
Gloria: Yes, we’re buddhists.
Me: Really? How does your son feel about that?
Floyd: We try not to argue about religion.
Gloria: I don’t like arguing with him at all. He tends to take a holier-than-thou attitude.
Me: How does he feel about organized religions, specifically Christian ones.
Floyd: He likes the singing but isn't too crazy about some of the strictures religions often put on people.
Gloria: Yeah, for example he's fine with consensual premarital sex between adults.
Floyd: the one that bug him the most is the Jehovah's Witnesses. He find the whole knocking on doors thing really annoying.
Gloria: Matter of fact the last time he was here some came to the door and he told them to take a hike.
Floyd: Slammed the door
Me: Some people claim that hurricanes, earthquakes and the like are God's retributions for people's sins.
Floyd: Hogwash. Craig has never figured out how to start or stop natural disasters. He's got some tech guys working on it.
Me: How does he feel about sinners?
Gloria: He's used to sinning. I mean, aren't we all?
Me: Have you ever been really angry with him?
Gloria: We were furious when he turned Lot's wife into a pillar of salt. We grounded him for a week for that. But lately not so much.
Floyd: We got a little peeved about AIDS, the ebola virus, Covid, things like that but he's grown man now, what can you do?
Me: Does he ever ask you for advice?
Gloria: Not about running the universe but he asks me about cooking and Floyd about bowling.
Floyd: I love my son but he's headstrong about his work. Thinks he knows everything just because he's all-knowing.
Me: Still you must be enormously proud of what he's done.
Gloria: Creating a universe and so many species is something to hang your hat on, that's for sure.
Me: Thanks so much for your time. I really enjoyed meeting you.
Floyd: Well, we’re such fans of your blog that we’re honored to have had you as our guest.
Gloria: This was fun. Next time you're in the Chicago area come by again.
Me: Thanks and give my regards to your son.
Floyd: You can always do that yourself with a prayer.
Me: Oh no, I meant your other son Lonnie. Him I believe in.
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