In My Take on Some Popular Christmas Carols I Take on Some Popular Christmas Carols

For as long as I can remember I've loved the Christmas season. One of my favorite aspects of it being the sounds. I am an unabashed fan of Christmas music. I was in elementary school so long ago that we sang carols in December during the music portion of our lessons and like many families I grew up with Christmas music in the house. Today I own a batch of Christmas CDs and once December rolls around I have Christmas music on constantly. However, I am not uncritical when it comes to Christmas songs, indeed I'm rather discerning and over the years have developed some serious issues with several yuletide classics. I think it's time I aired some of my objections.

Let’s get the big one out of the way first, the most iconic of Christmas carols, Jingle Bells. It wasn’t even written for Christmas, it was written for Thanksgiving. In fact it should be re-branded as such especially given the paucity of Thanksgiving songs. Indeed I believe the only recognized Turkey Day ditty is Over the River and Through the Woods and it’s not exactly a chart-topper. Needless to say, Jingle Bells doesn’t have a single word related to Christmas in it.

Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire (aka The Christmas Song) is one of our most beloved carols and has been a standard since the late 1940s. I love the song myself. But what I object to is this bit of business at the end:
And so, I'm offering this
Simple phrase to kids from
One to ninety-two
Altho' it's been said many times
Many ways
“Merry Christmas to you.”
It ends at 92? Come on. If I’m still around at age 93 I’m going to refuse to listen to this song and so too should anyone that age or older. Maybe we should all boycott it. Age discrimination, I hate it.

I have always had serious problems with The First Noel. Here’s what’s at issue:
The First Noel, the Angels did say
Was to certain poor shepherds in fields as they lay
Was what to “certain poor shepherds”? You can’t say it was something to somebody without specifying what it was to them. I call bullshit.

Baby it’s Cold Outside makes the list and not because it is supposedly about date rape (it isn’t as I established in a blog post last year). The song is trotted out every year at this time but it doesn’t make a single reference to Christmas or any other holiday. Get it out of here.

Another song that fits into this category is Frosty the Snowman. The story, the book, the televised cartoon are beloved holiday classics. But why? Again, not a single word in the song references the yuletide season. Dismissed. Maybe you can be a January thing when kids need a pick me up while suffering the post-holiday blues.

One very popular carol that sends the wrong message is Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Please note:
All of the other reindeer
Used to laugh and call him names
They never let poor Rudolph
Join in any reindeer games
Where the hell was Santa or at least some of the senior elves when this bullying was going on? Maybe they looked on and let it happen. That’s terrible. And those bigoted reindeer only accepted someone who was a little different after he performed some heroics? So kids if you’re a little different than your schoolmates you’re going to just have to take all the ribbing they dish out and forget about playing with them on the schoolyard — unless you can pull of some heroic deed. Good luck with that.

What a load of crap We Wish You a Merry Christmas is. I submit as evidence the following:
Oh, bring us some figgy pudding
And bring it right here
We won't go until we get some
What the hell kind of guests are these who make demands of their hosts and refuse to leave unless their demands are met? This is terrorism not Christmas.

Santa Baby is a lovely song, especially as preformed by Eartha Kitt. But enough with the greediness. She’s asking for a sable, a car, a yacht and that’s just for starters. She also wants a platinum mine! It’s the season of giving. Show a little class and ask for something for those less fortunate. I suppose in its way Santa Baby is really about capitalism run amok.

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year is a jaunty little carol that truly expresses the joy many people feel during this festive season. But I take issues with certain lyrics. To wit,
There'll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories of
Christmases long, long ago
Scary ghost stories? At Christmas? I guess parts of Dicken’s A Christmas Carol — notably the visit by the ghost of Christmas future — are a little frightening, but I'd hardly classify the classic Christmas yarn as “scary.” And the song says “stories” what the hell other Christmas stories do you know that can put a fright in people? And why the hell are you focusing on them? I also wonder about the line regarding glories of Christmases long ago. My problem being I have no idea what you’re on about. What glories during what Christmases?

Then there’s the mystery of Here Comes Santa Claus. I make reference to the following:
Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus right down Santa Claus Lane
Where is this Santa Claus lane you speak of? I’ve not heard nor read a word of reference to such a “lane” from any other source. Surely if there were really a “Santa Claus lane” it would much celebrated and not merely mentioned in one damn song.

Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town has been attacked for the whole business about Santa knowing when “you’re  sleeping” and “when you’re awake.” I got no problem with the big fella keeping an eyes on the kiddies to make sure everyone gets what they deserve. If you can't trust him then all is lost. But what does bother me is this:
You better watch out
You better not cry
You better not pout
You’re really going to tell small children not to cry? Why? If you take a nasty spill or someone socks you in the jaw you’re entitled to spill a few tears. Plus particularly bad news can move one to tears and so too, for that matter, can really good news. It’s a bad message to send to children that crying is a deal-breaker for getting presents, especially boys who get too much of that macho message. Lighten up.

I’m not even going to deal with Blue Christmas or any song like it that is someone’s sob story. Not what we want to hear at Christmas. Save the blues for March.

The 12 Days of Christmas is such a mess I don’t know where to begin. Whoever the shopper is has gone way overboard to the extent that I think there’s some mental issues they’re not dealing with. Perhaps obsessive compulsive disorder. The excess here staggers the imagine. Ya know what? Instead of five golden rings, how about just one, okay maybe two, having one as a spare is probably a good idea. But five? Get real. Then there are all those damn birds, French hens, calling birds, turtle doves….and not just one of each. I mean does the recipient even have an aviary? And what could a person possibly want with eight maids a-milking? You do realize that means eight cows. So this is farm? The lords a-leaping, the ladies dancing, the pipers piping, the drummer drumming I can see for a party, but is there a practical reason for keeping all these people in your house? Can the recipient afford to feed these people? Be real, buddy. Give her a ring, throw her a party and be done with it. Spend the rest of the dough on the needy.

Okay so I’ve ragged on a lot of beloved Christmas songs. Sue me. But I would like to give shout outs to some of my favorites that are not tainted by any unfortunate lyrics. They are: Deck the Halls, A White Christmas, Having a Wonderful Christmas Time, Jingle Bell Rock, Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree, So This is Christmas, I’ll Be Home for Christmas, Christmas Baby Please Come Home, It’s Beginning to Look a Lot like Christmas and Up on a Rooftop.

Please note I omitted virtually all of the holiday songs I think of as Christmas hymns such as Silent Night, Away in a Manger, Joy to the World, O Little Town of Bethlehem etc. You don’t wanna get me started on those which are strictly for your devout Christian types.

Anyway, Merry Christmas everybody! Or if you’d prefer Happy Holidays or even Season’s Greetings, whatever.