Suicide on My Mind: What I Experienced Last Night

I was looking at my belt trying to figure out how I could use it to hang myself. I decided it wouldn’t be too difficult. Then I thought about whether I really wanted to do it. If successful I’d be dead. This seemed like a good idea. Being alive was absolutely miserable. The pain was so powerful that it drowned out all the reasons one could possibly have for being alive. The pain rendered any joy I’d ever experienced in my life seem so remote and distant as to surely have been something I read about it a book and not actually experienced. The future had nothing in it that seemed worthwhile. It was all a black void — just like the present. There was no point in going on. I was in the grip of a terrible demon, one that told me to end it.

One thing that kept me from utilizing the belt was that it seemed an enormous undertaking, far beyond anything I could attempt. Thankfully I don’t have a gun, because that would have been easier proposition. I might not have made it through the night if I had one. Thankfully too I was not in agitated state as I’ve been before when contemplating suicide. Agitated depression makes me feel like taking action and the only viable one -- seemingly -- is suicide. Thankfully also my wife and older daughter were in the other room and that gave me a very tiny degree of comfort which is infinitely better than no comfort at all. I don’t know of any statistics but I would assume people are far more likely to kill themselves if they are alone.

Mostly I stared at the floor, consumed by the inky blackness that pervaded my brain. I didn’t question it. I couldn’t question. It was simply the way it was. I’ve been dealing with depression for years now and actually have not been troubled by it very much these past few months. This was of no consolation last night. I know that the depression will eventually pass, but I did not know that last night. I assumed it was a permanent condition. This notion helped make suicide seem a viable option. The depression seemed intractable, like a giant monolith looming over me.

I tried to read. As far as I got in this endeavor was to pick up a book and put it in my lap. I thought about watching something on my laptop but having made the effort to get a book from several feet away the idea of now reaching down to the floor and picking up my computer seemed impossible. I was spent. Finally I managed to take a hold of my cellphone which was within arm’s reach. I spent a long time trying to decide what exactly I could do with it. But there was something comforting about holding it. My phone became like a security blanket. I soon came to the point at which letting go of it would have tipped me over the edge. Into what? I already felt as though I was plummeting through the abyss in slow motion. Never mind, I wasn’t go to let go of my phone.

Time. What was it? How long had I been sitting there? How much of that time had I been holding the phone? It was something I couldn’t conceive. I looked at the belt again and gave more thought to ending it all. Then I remembered I had a fitness assessment at the gym in the morning and I didn’t want to let the instructor down by not showing up. This gave me a tiny surge of belief or hope or desire or something that was enough for me to at last take some positive action. I emailed my psychiatrist and let him now what I was thinking. He called me. We talked. He told me to go be with my family and that if things did not improve to go to the emergency room.

I joined my wife and daughter. Their presence was comforting. We had a delicious dinner. My daughter went out. My wife and I watched an old movie. I brushed my teeth. I was tired from the workout earlier in the day. I went to bed and slept through the night.

Today I am depressed but with no thoughts of suicide. It feels like I might make it. Right now I’ve got to get ready to go meet my fitness assessment.

One step. At a time.

From help guide.org:

No matter how much pain you’re experiencing right now, you’re not alone. Some of the finest, most admired, needed, and talented people have been where you are now. Many of us have thought about taking our own lives when we’ve felt overwhelmed by depression and devoid of all hope. But the pain of depression can be treated and hope can be renewed. No matter what your situation, there are people who need you, places where you can make a difference, and experiences that can remind you that life is worth living. It takes real courage to face death and step back from the brink. You can use that courage to face life, to learn coping skills for overcoming depression, and for finding the strength to keep going. Remember:

Your emotions are not fixed – they are constantly changing. How you feel today may not be the same as how you felt yesterday or how you’ll feel tomorrow or next week.
Your absence would create grief and anguish in the lives of friends and loved ones.
There are many things you can still accomplish in your life.
There are sights, sounds, and experiences in life that have the ability to delight and lift you – and that you would miss.
Your ability to experience pleasurable emotions is equal to your ability to experience distressing emotions.

The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255.