16 June 2014

Three Love Stories, Sort Of


She was from India. She was  21 years old. Her name was Dalia, she was beautiful beyond any words I can conjure. When she smiled at me the first time I met I her I swear to god I almost melted right there on the spot. Our relationship started off perfectly and then took a mad twist into hell.

My history with girls was pretty spotty at the time. I was 24 and had long since lost my virginity but had only sporadic success in the romance department. First of all I was painfully shy which made it difficult to meet girls in the first place and secondly once I started dating someone I got scared if they really liked me and backed away. Plus I always and I mean always found something wrong with every girl I dated. Shoot you can find a flaw in absolutely everyone who's walked the planet. I was just looking for excuses to bail on girl. There were a few girls I probably could have had a really nice relationship and maybe one or two who I could have eventually moved in with or married. But I kept getting in the way.

But it was different when I met Dalia. She was the first girl I ever fell madly in love with at first sight who would give me so much as a second look. All the other girls I'd had a love at first sight thing with were unattainable -- at least that's what I told myself at the time -- so nothing had happened. But Daila I was going to approach. Screw the shyness I just felt from head to toe that not only was she beautiful beyond belief but that we were made for each other.

This first time I saw her was at a party some friend of my cousin Dale was having in this really nice part of San Francisco called the Marina District. She was standing at the doorway from the living room to the dining room holding a drink in her hand. I guessed it was a gin and tonic and later found out that I was right. This was funny because I hardly drink myself and can barely name more than a few mixed drinks or kinds of beer or wine. Anyway she was just standing there all alone. I guess I stared at her for a minute or more though it seemed at the time that I'd been looking at her my whole life. She finally noticed me and smiled. I usually would have looked away at that point but this one time I held my gaze and smiled right back. I could hardly believe what happened next. I walked toward her.

I wasn't thinking about the possibility she was with someone at the party or that she was married engaged or had a steady guy. That would have been too horrible to contemplate and anyway I was just focused on the moment. So I walked right up to her and said hi my name is Emil and stuck out my hand. She gently took it for a second and said she was Dalia and that it was nice to meet me. We started to talk and all I felt throughout the whole conversation was euphoria. I mean it coursed through my very being.

So Dalia, it turned out, had only recently moved to San Francisco from New York and had just one friend in town who had encouraged her to come to this party. Her friend was a girl named Tonya who I actually knew -- coincidentally enough -- and once considered asking out, but was I was too shy at the time -- like usual -- and she eventually had a boyfriend, a nice fella that I also knew. So we immediately had Tonya in common plus she shared my love of classic novels -- not a common shared interest among young people, let me tell you -- and Italian food and the ultimate cliche -- walks on the beach. I know, I know but it was true for both of us. We were like obsessed with walking on the beach. That was going to be our first date, a walk on the beach that and a dinner at an Italian restaurant. It all happened very fast. We're chatting away about this and that and getting along so well and having so much in common and this setting up of a first date the next weekend just flowed naturally into the conversation. Perfect. I was over the moon.

The first date couldn't have gone better. We walked we talked, before you knew it we were holding hands. We had a romantic dinner. We walked more we held hands more we kissed and kissed and kissed. The thing that really blew me away was that Dalia liked me as much as I liked her. I couldn't have been happier. I didn't expect to sleep with her that first time and didn't. She was going to be worth the wait. The wait wasn't too long. Dalia and I consummated our relationship exactly two weeks and four dates after we met. I can still very clearly picture seeing Dalia naked for the first time. She had the most flawless body I'd ever seen. Not just in person but including pictures, photos, anything on the internet. I'm not the type to brag or detail sex so I'll just say I never had it better and when Dalia said the same thing I believed her.

A few weeks later I told Dalia that I loved her. Her response: "I love you too." This was the high point of my life and what soon followed wasn't exactly the low point but it did suck all the joy out of the past month.

I'm a broad minded guy. Liberal family, degree in English literature, work for a publishing company and while I don't look at porn I have no objection to graphic sex scenes in movies as long as their not gratuitous. But Dalia's confession was a jab in the face.

This was a couple of weeks after the I love you exchange. Everything was still going great. Dalia had landed a job at non profit organization like she'd wanted and we were spending every night together and everyone including my parents thought Dalia was great and that we were perfect together. Then one Saturday morning while we were still in bed Dalia said there was something she had to tell me about. She didn't want any secrets between us. I had no idea what it might be but was sure that there was nothing that could change the way I felt about her. I was wrong.

Dalia said that when she got to San Francisco the original job she had lined up fell through and she was quickly broke owing the moving expenses from the East Coast and first and last month rent  and cleaning deposit in her new apartment and she hadn't gotten the deposit back from her old place in New York. She'd been desperate for money and couldn't ask her parents because they were struggling with twins in college to support.

Well so what Dalia did to ease her financial burden -- and it eased but good -- was she did a porn video. She'd seen an ad in the classifieds of a weekly newspaper and figured it was either that or starve. In fact the money was really good. For just one afternoon -- just a few hours actually -- of work. If you can call it that. Dalia gave me all the details. I think she needed to and I think I needed to hear it once I knew the general topic. She met these guys in a hotel room and they gave her half the money up front. She talked to the camera for a bit answering questions mostly personal stuff about sex which she mostly lied about trying to play along. Then she had to take off all her clothes. They filmed her some more and took some still photos. Then one of the guys undressed and they had sex in all kinds of positions including oral sex. It ended with the guy ejaculating on her face. Then with the cameras rolling she was given the rest of the money and that was that.

I was stunned. I understood or thought I did. I understood why she told me but wish to this day she hadn't. I could have never known and we might still be together. Probably would be.

After telling her story Dalia cried and cried and I comforted her. I told her it was okay and to forget about it. I loved her so much at that point.  I have to confess that we had sex right then and there but it wasn't making love. We both really enjoyed it but it was different. I was like angry and hurt and needy all at once and in a sick way turned on by what she'd told me. We went on about our Saturday and had a pretty nice normal day together. But that night she fell asleep before me and I started to obsess about her story. I had trouble sleeping for the obsessing and I continued to think about the next day and all the work week. Finally the next weekend Dalia asked how I was doing with what she'd told me and I admitted that I'd thought about it a lot. Then I made a mistake. A huge one. Maybe I could have eventually forgotten her story. Maybe I would have accepted it as the one flaw in this magnificent person but I'll never know. Because stupid me insisted that we look at the video. You ever do that? Make some decision that's a colossal mistake and you look back years later and wonder what the hell you could have been thinking?

Anyway it wasn't hard to find the porn site that had the video because Dalia remembered the name of the outfit that she contacted. So we watched it. I'd never been both disgusted and turned on at the same time. There was "my" Dalia as beautiful as ever but with some big hairy guy whose face you never even see. And there doing the same things we do only...Well it was different, of course. I was sick with jealousy and aroused simultaneously. It was weird. All we saw was an edited version of about five minutes (there was another whole hour you could watch by paying). When it was over I made what I guess was another mistake -- though the damage had pretty much been done. I pointed out to Dalia that she seemed in the video to be enjoying herself and asked if it was hard faking it like that. Dalia could have lied. She should have lied. But she told me the damn truth. I didn't have to fake it, she told me. The sex was really quite enjoyable. Then she added that of course she'd never do it again and that it was better with me but the cat was out of the bag and I knew she was never as loud with me as she was on that video. She'd really enjoyed it with that anonymous porn guy. She'd had probably multiple orgasms. We were done.

I didn't break it off right there. It actually took me another week to realize that it was all over. I couldn't be with her anymore. I'd never stop thinking about it. I told her right up front. I added that I still loved her and always would but I couldn't be with her anymore. Dalia cried a lot but said she understood. I advised her that when she found someone else to not mention the video she'd made. Dalia agreed that that was a pretty good idea.

All this happened four years ago. I've been much more successful with women since then and have had a lot of relationships and most recently met someone, Hannah, who I think I'll marry someday, we're very much in love. I see Dalia around every once and awhile and still think she's the most beautiful woman I've every laid eyes on. I still wonder sometimes if she was the one. I love Hannah, I really do, and think I'll be happy with her the rest of my life. But...

If only Dalia hadn't told me.


Laura, I hated the way you wore your hair that day at the mall. I mean really, what were you thinking? It made me so mad. I just couldn't believe it. I suppose I know what you're thinking that I obsess about the way you look because I'm in love with you or something. Well maybe I am. Maybe I do find you to be the most gorgeous creature on earth and I can't bear to be apart from you for even a minute. Well so what? So I can't live without you. Well I could but I'd be miserable. Will be miserable. Whatever. Just plain fucking miserable. Oh my god so what it still it doesn't excuse the way you wore your hair that day at the mall and why did you go with your friends and not me anyway??? That's what really ticked me off. You said you needed to stay at home and study so I went to the mall to buy some shoes and there you were with that ridiculous hairstyle and you're telling me you changed your mind about studying when one of your friends called and you realized that one paper wasn't due until the following week. So I don't and I never did feel like you lied to me I just thought you could have called and said you were going and did I want to go and the fact that you said you didn't think of calling me really hurts. So maybe this isn't so much about the way you were wearing your hair -- sucky, seriously sucky -- but about what may or may not have been a lie. I mean we were always doing things together and always told each other everything and you even said that you'd tell me if I ever got too obsessed with you which I had done before a few years ago with...well like I need to tell you. So anyway its pretty clear that you don't have the same feelings for me as I do for you and that you never will or at least its not likely that we'll ever and I should just move on and find someone else but ohmygod I really do think you are so sweet and that you've said so many nice things to me is really one of the highlights of what's been my life so far and I hope I get to see you again and I'm sorry I've said such awful things about the way you wore your hair that day at the mall and I'm sorry too that I've gone on and on like this but after all we were really close and I can't believe that you said you didn't want to be friends anymore and that you feel that way but. But. I can except this and move on I really can. Please try to understand me a little bit. K? And I love that you've changed your hair back to the way it was before, I really do.
P.S. I don' think this makes me a Lesbo despite what Kristen said. Yeah I let her read it and she said I shouldn't have said all this but so what.


Everyone said that Brad and Carli were a perfect couple. My opinion is there's no such thing. No two people are pefect for each other any more than any one person is perfect. Sometimes two people work together really well they click in bed and if they're friends too they can make a long lasting relationship. My parents for instance have been together forever. They are by no means a perfect couple but have each learned to make enough compromises without violating their true natures that they are really happy together. Brad and Carli had been together since high school. Maybe before I'm not sure. Anyway a long time.

I was Carli's best friend, Nicole. We met freshman year in high school and had everything in common and were like sisters. I saw Carli through the ups and downs of her relationship Brad right up until she shot him in the face with a .44 magnum. Seriously no one saw that coming but I'm getting ahead of the story.

From the time I met her Carli only ever spent time with Brad her family and me. Her family consisted of a mom and dad who couldn't be bothered with parenting and a little brother who was as big a brat as you'll ever met. Tommy, her brother, was about five years younger than Carli and didn't seem to be from the same planet as Carli let alone the same family. But between Brad her family and I Carli spent the least amount of time with her family if you don't count sleeping in the same house which she actually didn't do all that regularly. So I knew Carli really well. We shared all our secrets and our dreams and opinions. Maybe I should feel stupid that I didn't recognize that she had some serious mental issues but there were no clues. None at all. Not until it was too late that is.

Brad I got to know fairly well too. He was the type of guy who was every girl's dream. Very handsome athletic and super polite. He was also a straight A student and funny and fun loving. Brad seemed destined to be successful in life. You could see that he was going to get a good job and be a great father and husband and of course it seemed like Carli would be his devoted wife to his devoted husband. You didn't get the impression that Brad was going to own a company or be a politician or have his own law firm, just that he'd do really well and make everyone he knew proud. Brad was the kind of guy that girls would literally fight over if they thought it would do any good. But since he and Carli were basically inseparable all the girls just left him alone and admired him from afar. I know I did. But Carli was my very best friend so really I was just happy for her.

I wanted to go to the state university because of their outstanding theater program and I knew I could get in so it was the only place I applied. Brad was accepted at three or four schools but he picked state because he didn't want to be too far from his family. Carli naturally went because we were going there. She barely had the grades and was wait listed in. Of course Carli and I shared a room in the girls' dorm and Brad was across the street in the boys' dorm. Needless to say that besides classes and studying Carli spent all her time with either Brad or me. It was just like high school except we were away from home and the school work was more intense.

Everything was cozy and fine that first year and the beginning of the second year when Carli and I shared an apartment with another girl, Chrissie and Brad had an apartment with a couple of other guys. Again we were in close proximity.

But trouble started as I could tell Brad wanted a little more independence. He didn't exactly want to date other girls (he was still totally devoted to Carli) but he wanted more time for himself or to be with his buddies. Meanwhile Chrissie was developing a little crush on Brad. Maybe not so little I'm not sure. It was hard to tell because she was such a flirt -- to some people she was a slut but that's just talk and who knows if there's any truth to it.

No one knows where Carli got the gun. To this day she hasn't told a soul. I sure have no idea. Anyway I'm partially responsible for what happened. Not really, not in any way that makes me feel guilty. I mean if a person is going to crack they're going to crack and if I hadn't gotten the ball rolling something else would have. See we were half way through sophomore year and I had decided to transfer from state because I really wasn't into theater anymore and so what was the point of being at state when I could go to a better school. I knew it would mean leaving Carli but so what, we weren't going to be living together forever. But when I told her she just snapped. I'd never seen her first get so angry calling me names in a really ugly voice I didn't know she had. Then switched to crying uncontrollably. I'd hardly seen her shed a tear before and she was balling her eyes out. I told Carli she needed to get a grip. I'm the first to admit that I wasn't very sympathetic or kind towards her but she'd kind of freaked me out and all over something that I didn't think was such a big deal. So the point is that she really flipped when I said that. Carli was throwing things and screaming and crying hysterically. I was scared. Then Chrissie comes home and she was like "what the fuck?" and "calm the hell down, Carli." Carli stopped finally but then she just stared at at Chrissie and called her a whore and accused her of trying to seduce Brad. When she said that Chrissie turned all red -- who knows why but probably because she did have a crush on him. So Carli picks up on this and this really sets her off. She's totally convinced that Chrissie is sleeping with or trying to sleep with Brad. Chrissie finally just turns around and goes out the door.

Everything stopped. It was weird. Carli was suddenly all calm and she meekly apologizes in a way that suggests she doesn't really mean it. I went in my room cause I needed to study and there'd be enough drama for one day, plus in this weird way Carli seemed okay.

About ten minutes later -- like I told the police I didn't check the exact time -- I heard Carli leave the apartment.

The rest of this story is what everyone else around here knows but you probably don't if you're reading this. Carli goes to Brad's. All his roommates are there. He mentions that he is going on a trip during the four day weekend coming up with his buddies (without her, of course) and she gets really angry. Again. They go outside to calm down and talk in private. About a half hour later Brad's roommates hear the gun shot. When they check things out Carli is driving away and Brad is laying there with...well I understand it was gross. She had shot Brad twice in the face and if he'd lived there wouldn't have been enough plastic surgery in the world to reconstruct his face.

The police found her parked outside of liquor store just sitting there. Carli didn't say a thing. She was what they call catatonic for days. When she did talk -- and this is still the case -- she has very little to say and only in short clipped sentences in this dull voice like she's drugged. Carli says nothing about why she did it.

It's a full two years later and I still have trouble some nights sleeping. I get depressed sometimes too. Carli's parents were devastated of course. Although they did admit that Carli had some dark moods since she was little and they think they started after she woke up and saw a burglar in the house, an event even I didn't know about. She had been six at the time. But who knows?  Course her parents never mentioned that they didn't ever pay much attention to her and who knows what all she was like at home and what problems she had there and what they could have done for her. But that's over. We'll just never know the full story of Carli I guess.

So Brad and Carli were not the perfect couple. They seemed like it for awhile. But the true test of a relationship is time. You see two young people together and want to tell me they're perfect together I'm gonna say, get back to me in 20 years -- at least.

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