I'd Like a Bag For My Banana Please

Do you want a bag?

For a banana? I was buying one banana because I forgot to bring one from home. And I was asked if I wanted a bag. For one banana. I said no thanks and put the banana in a coat pocket.

Here's your receipt.

My receipt for the purchase of one banana. Seventy nine cents.

Yes I'll need that for my files. That banana is a business expense as I'll be eating it at work so I'll be deducting it. You know what. That banana needs me, its a dependent. I'll be declaring it on my taxes. Give me the receipt. And I want a bag for it and since you now charge for bags I'll need a receipt for the purchase of the bag. Also can I get an escort out of the store? Someone might jack me for my banana. You'd better call me a cab I don't want to have to walk the remaining two blocks to work carrying a banana with or without a bag. By the way you forget to ask me if I want to donate a quarter of million dollars to save starving babies. They do that now at a lot of stores. Ask if you'd like to donate to some worthy cause as you're checking out. Maybe I wasn't asked because I was paying cash (remember that?). By the way you didn't ask how I wanted my 21 cents in change. You just gave me two dimes and a penny. Maybe I wanted a couple of nickels or four nickels. Or three nickels and six pennies. For all you know I'm hoarding nickels. What kind of store doesn't ask if you want nickels? Nickels have some heft. Unlike dimes which are so damn thin. Dimes are like anorexic fashion models. Nickels are sturdy. Another thing I missed out on by paying in cash is being asked by if I approved of the amount I was being charged. I'm going to start saying no. I want to pay less. Knock a couple of dollars off the price and then you can charge my card. Otherwise it's no dice. Speaking of annoying questions. The clerk forgot to ask the most important question of all: did you find everything all right? There's another question I'm going to start changing my answer to. Like today I would have said -- had the clerk shown the compassion to ask -- no, I had a deuce of a time finding this banana. I looked up and down every aisle before discovering that you'd hidden these bananas where no one without x-ray vision could possibly see them. It was pure chance that the monkey in your store led me to them. Really this did-you-find-everything-all-right question is a poser. Are stores suddenly concerned about the vision of their customers? Our sense of direction? Or just our intellect in general? If we say that it was particularly difficult to find the canned yak, are they going to ban us from their store for gross stupidity? That's it, they're trying to trip us up. They're going to start banning imbeciles. My advice: play it cool -- even if you couldn't find something at all act like everything is jake. No, no problems at all, it took me less than a month to find it. But hey thanks for asking and can I have a bag for this ten cent pencil and a receipt and can I make a donation to save the puppies and for the love of god keep the change.

(This post is lovingly dedicated to my wife to whom I'll just say no that that is not a banana in my pants.)