I got a homework assignment from my psychiatrist. I know, seems presumptuous to me to but then again he is trying to prevent my descent into total madness and I am an obliging fellow so….The assignment is not terribly daunting, I’m to conduct a second interview with my depression. The first, which is here linked, led to some discussion betwixt doctor and I and more such discussion may help stop depression from running rough shod over me as it is want to do. Worth a shot.
Me: Thanks for sitting down with me, again.
D: Not a problem, I’m always around.
Me: I’m going to start with the big question, what do you want out of me?
D: I want you to acknowledge my power. I want you to know and to feel….
Me: For the first time your voice seems to be quavering, as if —
D: It is the magnitude of what I’m saying that —
Me: I don’t think so. You’re bluffing. You don’t know what you want or maybe even what you are.
D: I’m you! I’m in you and I am pervasive!
Me: I've struck a nerve. You’re actually quite vulnerable because you have no purpose, no soul. You’ve got no more intellect than a shark.
D: Do you really think this can work? Do you honestly believe that by putting me down you can weaken me in any way? You’re just throwing words and nonsense at me.
Me: But you’re clearly shaken.
D: That is merely your perception —
Me: Horseshit! You’re scared, your beatable. You’re not the mighty monolithic beast I’ve made you out to be.
D: Tell me something then. Are you feeling any less depressed right now?
Me: Yeah okay I’m still a little depressed, but I also feel hope. You’ve clearly been rattled and I believe you can be taken down.
D: Here’s another question: aren’t you a little bit nervous about what would replace me were you somehow able to banish me?
Me: Happiness or at least contentment….
D: You don’t seem so sure of that.
Me: I’m really just confused by the question. Why should anything replace you, you’ll just be gone.
D: Can I ever really leave?
Me: Now you’re clearly just trying to mess with me, you’ve cleverly changed the tenor of this discussion, besides, I'm supposed to be interviewing you.
D: I’m a formidable opponent.
Me: Let’s get back to the fact that you can’t answer the question regarding your purpose. I think because you’re hollow at the core, you have no self.
Me: No, I don’t think it is. You’re a big bully who goes about trying to intimidate. There’s really nothing to you.
D: Oh there’s something to me, there’s all your pain, all those memories of your mother screaming at you, every mistake you’ve ever made lurks within me. All your dashed hopes, all the roads not taken. I’ve got plenty.
Me: That’s all true but you serve no purpose, you have no end game. There’s nothing for you, nothing for you to gain. You’ve got no destination. No meaning. Yeah, that's it, that's what you lack, meaning.
D: Oh and you do have meaning?
Me: Yes, I’ve got a family, friends, work, writing and many more experiences yet to come. You can make me suffer but you can’t have any of those things. You’re envious, you’ve got nothing.
D: You forget, my dear boy, I’ve got you.
Me: We’ll see for how much longer. I can beat you, I can rid myself of you. I don’t have to put up with you forever. You’re not as powerful as I’d thought because ultimately you have no soul.
D: Tell yourself what you want, but I aim to be here for quite some time and all your bold words can’t change that.
Me: No, but I can change that.
D: I don't think you can.
Me: I certainly aim to try and I've got a powerful new weapon to use against you're emptiness. You're going down. I'm sure of it.