Items I Can't Live Without and Thanks for Asking

Got the below email the other day. I re-print it in full except of course I have redacted the name of the company which will get no free publicity from me. Rather than reply directly to them I have chosen to do so right here. By the way the subject line of the email they sent was "Awesome Blog!" I much appreciate such kind words though I'll bet dollars to donuts that they've never taken a peak at it beyond finding that it existed and getting my email address.

Hi there Richard, 

My name is Alexandra, and I am the community manager for REDACTED. We are a new company that ships awesome REDACTED in custom wooden crates! Our crates hold all sorts of items that will please any guy--and instantly make you the best gift giver ever!

We like to think of our crates as a survival kit. Something someone needs the most, with items they couldn’t live without. With that being said, we would love to hear what you would pack in your own personal survival kit! Whether it be your toothbrush or those chocolate-covered pretzels, we want to know what items are absolute necessities for you!  If you were only able to keep 4-5 of your must have, most essential items, what would they be, and why?

As you can probably tell, this survival kit doesn’t need to include any matches or emergency blankets, so have fun with it and get creative! In your blog post, be sure to include what items made the cut and why! Feel free to include any images in your post to show your readers and us what you absolutely cannot live without.

We love sharing our favorite posts on social, so please let me know if you’re interested and I can send along some more info :) 

Talk with you soon,

Alexandra

Dear Alexandra: First of all I couldn't live without good sized stashes of heroin, coke and meth so those would be my priorities. Of course I'd want a .44 magnum to protect whatever I've got in the chest so there's that. I hate to be without my Deluxe First Lady porn collection which is my stash of erotic photos and drawings of America's first ladies. Mrs. Coolidge in nothing but panties is the highlight of the set.

My box need also contain a death ray to exterminate those who try to use my blog for their commercial purposes. Pixie dust is also nice for those nights when fantasy is on the menu. Speaking of which I couldn't be minus my his and hers bondage equipment -- never leave home without it -- am I right? I also find counterfeit cash comes in handy. I prefer tens and twenties. A few vials of tiger's blood is a necessity to provide that special boost that us gents sometimes need. I like to have a switchblade just in case. Oh and while we're at it my favorite garrote in case I come across someone on my hit list. For light entertainment an eight track of some dirges sung by Bulgarian monks and a copy of Mein Kampf by that Hitler fellow.

What else? Spats, spurs, fake mustaches, piano wire, live scorpions, snake venom, a litle pink tutu, a codpiece, haggis, a colostomy bag, embalming fluid, an acetylene torch and a ball peen hammer. Oh yes a toothbrush.
Thanks for asking.
Sincerely Yours,
Phineas J.Peabody III
(call me PP)