18 April 2017

The Secret History of William Henry Harrison's Post Presidency

William Henry Harrison did not die in office. The commonly held belief is that the nation's 9th  president expired a mere 31 days into his presidency. It is maintained in standard history books and texts -- which is somewhat understandable, if ultimately unforgivable -- but it has also somehow still repeated in such alternative histories as Lies My Teacher Told Me by James Loewen and A People's History of the United States by Howard Zinn. That this canard is still put forth with few even questioning it, is one of the great mysteries and scandals of U.S. History. True enough Harrison ceased to be president on April 4, 1841 but the man known as Old Tippecanoe lived for another 12 and half years. The record on this speaks for itself.

Harrison, you may recall (born on February 9, 1773) was a former Indian fighter (famed for defeating Tecumseh at Tippecanoe), general in the war of 1812, congressional delegate, territorial governor, member of the US House of Representatives and plenipotentiary to Gran Colombia. He was the Whig party nominee for president in 1836, losing to Martin Van Buren, but won the rematch four years later with John Tyler his running mate.

History records that he became ill with a cold on March 26 (likely contracted during his marathon inauguration speech given on a frigid afternoon) and the illness progressed and became fatal. Poppycock.

In the time between Harrison’s electoral victory and his inauguration he came to be under tremendous pressure from his creditors which comprised over a dozen people and organizations. Some of these creditors saw in Harrison’s ascension to the presidency an opportunity to cash in big time. They didn’t want their money back so much as they wanted favors that would substantially boost their own interests. Also many falsely reckoned that, as president, Harrison would have ready access to the treasury and be able to, as one allegedly put it, share the wealth. Some of these creditors were people who had incriminating evidence of Harrison’s peculiar sexual practises which, it was said, ranged from minor peccadilloes to bizarre fetishes including elaborate role play.

By the time Harrison took the oath of office he had been besieged by charlatans, scoundrels, blackmailers, and those aforementioned creditors and was a nervous wreck. Harrison quickly realized that he could not properly fulfill the duties of his high office in such circumstances and a mere resignation would not be enough to ease his woes. He would be hounded onto his grave. Harrison did indeed have a nasty cold, and he cleverly used it to surreptitiously leave the White House for good and all. With the help of an aide, one Lloyd Charles Peckerhand, he decided to feign serious illness and then death. Only Harrison’s inner circle was aware of the plan and only Peckerhand and Harrison’s faithful valet Cicero Morningguard, an ex slave, knew the full details. Harrisons’s family, including his wife Anna, were left completely in the dark. Even vice president John Tyler was out of the loop. He assumed that Harrison was really quite ill and never dreamt that the president was biding his time to escape, playing cards with intimates while Peckerhand made arrangements for the most amazing disappearing act in the annals of US political history.

Harrison by this time had grown to detest his wife and was ambivalent about most of his children having particular contempt for John Scott who would go on to sire president Benjamin Harrison. Ole Tippecanoe was far more enamored of some of the female slaves he had taken as lovers, a number of whom bore him children. Indeed it was with slaves and whores that WH (as he liked to be called) exercised his flamboyant sexual practises. Wife Anna could not abide anything sexually save the missionary position, and even then with her eyes tightly closed.

On the date that the nation told of the president’s death, Harrison -- in the dead of night -- snuck out of the White House and got in a coach headed for Florida. With him were Peckerhand, Morningguard and Harrison’s current favorite sex partner, a white whore named Millie Strang. Left behind was much of Harrison’s fortune. Left in the lurch were his creditors.

For Harrison's body, Peckerhand had substituted a recently deceased indigent old Indian killer named Claude Lupus, who bore an uncanny resemblance to the 9th president. With a little bit of surgery performed by a quack plastic surgeon, Eli Culpepper, and a lot of makeup, no one noticed the difference. Culpepper's services and silence were handsomely rewarded.

Once in Florida the “deceased” president changed his name, with the help of a friendly forger named Callidew. WH's new identity was as Peabody McCorkle, land speculator. Little is known of Harrison’s three years in Florida other than he discovered a knack for real estate and made a small fortune. He also married an escaped slave named Clovis. The whore Millie Strang had been taken by cholera shortly after their arrival in Florida. However Harrison’s happy life in Florida was interrupted when he tried to sell some property to one of the very gentlemen who had been a creditor. When said creditor, one Hobart G. Mellow, recognized Harrison he insisted on restitution for the debt and accumulated interest. Being quite wealthy anew, Harrison readily agreed wanting only to be free of this man. However immediately upon receiving payment, Mellow threatened to expose Harrison if he didn’t “sweeten the pot,” with a few extra thousand dollars.

Harrison had felt it reasonable to pay Mellow back in full and even to include interest, but was damned if he’d allow himself to be extorted. WH made his excuses for the day and promised to meet Mellow 48 hours later by which time he would have collected the requested sum. Harrison alerted Peckerhand and the ex slave Morningguard (who incidentally had become lovers, Harrison was surprisingly open-minded about homosexual relations, likely because they figured into some of his own sexual experimentation) and his wife Clovis and they immediately absconded. Peckerhand had long prepared for this day, so making arrangements to flee took only a matter of hours. Joining them was the forger Callidew and his wife Lynis now fast friends of Harrison and company and in on their secret (unconfirmed rumors suggest that Harrison and Lynis were occasional lovers and that Callidew was not averse to their dalliances, evidently honored to have such a renowned figure diddling his wife).

The six went by boat to Nova Scotia, it being Summer the journey was quite pleasant. From there they went to Toronto to start their new lives. Pooling their resources the sextet bought a saloon and adjoining restaurant and started a very high end bordello in the upstairs apartments. The madam was one Mrs. Beatrice Bromwich (nee Lakeside) a widow who was a long ago lover of Harrison’s. Within months the saloon, restaurant and bordello were doing great business and Harrison could indulge himself with, as he put it, “the ladies upstairs” whenever he wished.

By all accounts Harrison was a far, far happier man as Peabody McCorkle, than he had ever been in his former life. He took long daily walks to supplement the exercise he got in the boudoir, maintained a healthy diet, drinking alcohol sparingly and smoking no more than a cigar a day. His wife Clovis indulged his extra curricular carnal desires, proud to have such a virile older husband. Peckherand, Morningguard, the Callidews and Beatrice Bromwich were steadfast and loving friends. Such was Harrison’s happy life for almost a decade when in late 1852 calamity struck. A fire swept through the restaurant and saloon, inevitably reaching the bordello. Peckerhand and Morningguard were immediately consumed by the conflagration and soon Clovis and Callidew lost their lives. Harrison escaped with Bromwich and Lynis Callidew but the latter tried to retrieve a precious heirloom and fell through a ceiling to her death.

Harrison had lost everything.

Fortunately the man everyone knew as McCorkle, had built up enormous good will throughout the city and community leaders were happy to find him accommodations in a small but comfortable furnished cottage. He was joined there by Bromwich who now lived with him as wife. The former US president lived another year. By all accounts he was happy enough but his indomitable spirit had died with the fire. Gone were his sexual forays, the long walks and the healthy eating and drinking habits. He was still able to enjoy relations with Bromwich, he still ate heartily -- only too much so--  and his occasional drinks became binges.

In early November of 1853, 13 years after being elected president, he took to bed quite ill. Harrison lingered for three weeks, going in and out of consciousness. When alert he would reel off the names of his many past lovers. It was said that the only reason he managed to live the three weeks was because he’d wanted to name each one of them. Beatrice Bromwich was at his side and perhaps fittingly it was after he uttered her name, that Harrison expired.


American historians have almost universally neglected the real WH Harrison story -- despite the wealth of evidence that he lived on after his three month presidency. Many simply and stubbornly refuse to believe it. There are a number of excellent sources for Harrison’s life as Peabody McGorkle. Primary among them are the detailed diaries of LC Perckerhand and the memoirs of Beatrice Bromwich. One can also check contemporary newspaper accounts in the Toronto Bugle and the Weekly Maple Leaf. The leading authority on the McGorkle portion of Harrison’s life was the late  historian Welles Summerset (1867-1951). His interest in the Harrison “after life” stemmed from his grandfather Chuck who had been a frequent visitor at the Toronto brothel. Chuck Summerset formed a strong friendship with McGorkle and managed to figure out his friend’s true identity.

Wells Summerset’s book, “The Unknown After Life of William Harrison” was never published. Summerset completed the book in 1931 and spent the last two decades of his life trying to find a reputable publisher for it. No one would touch it, ostensibly because of its graphic sexual content. After Summerset’s death, his son Wiley managed to get a few copies printed as a lasting tribute to his dad’s work. A few libraries carry still it. Wiley’s son Angus Summerset has renewed efforts to publish the book, thus far to no avail.

A US Senator, who for now wishes to remain anonymous, is planning to submit the real story of America's 9th president into the congressional record in a huge first step toward correcting history. "People need to know the truth about all their presidents," he said, "even those who flew the coop."

14 April 2017

A Guardian Angel Brings Bad News

My guardian angel’s name is Chuck. Can you believe that shit?

I know this because he appeared before me yesterday in human form. “Hi, I’m Chuck,” he said. “Do you know who I am?” he asked.

“Yeah, you’re Chuck, you just said so,” I replied.

He looked maybe 30, was wearing a red striped long sleeve tee shirt and corduroys and Keds sneakers. He was a little on the tubby side, medium height with bushy red hair.

“Yes, I know you know my name is Chuck but do you know who I am?”

I was standing in my backyard looking up at this big tree we have --it seemed kind of spooky with no leaves and the sky being all cloudy --when Chuck, I’m gonna say, appeared. I mean suddenly he was there. But I wasn’t freaked out, there was something calming about him.

“Well no, Chuck, I don’t know who you are so why don’t you dispense with the mystery and tell me.”

“I’m your guardian angel.”

I chuckled at that one. Not really a full throated guffaw, just a light chuckle. See the thing was that I half believed him. Why? It was just the damn feeling I got from him like he wasn’t real, not in the sense of regular human beings.

“No disrespect there Chuck but you don’t look like an angel.”

“Well of course your basing your conception on what angels look like from classic art, probably mostly from the Renaissance. Actually the film It’s A Wonderful Life gives a more accurate picture of us angels.”

I knew the movie well as most people do so naturally I asked him, “are you trying to earn your wings like Clarence?”

“Heavens no. There are no wings for angels. That’s just storybook stuff.”

“Excuse me but it seems like the whole deal with guardian angels is storybook stuff.”

“I can see where you might think so, but that’s part of human mythology that is in a general sense quite true.”

“Thing is there Chuck I find it hard to believe you. I admit I get a funny feeling from you but come on, what proof is there?”

“Fair enough.” And with that he disappeared then reappeared standing right next to me, shoulder to shoulder. I damn near fainted.

“Enough proof?”

“Plenty,” I said and went over and sat in a lawn chair.

I offered Chuck a sit. “We don’t sit,” he said.



That’s gotta be rough. Do you at least get to lay down?”

No things are very much different for us, in fact we don’t usually take human form."

Looking back I'm amazed at how quickly and easily I accepted the reality of angels existing and one visiting me. I credit Chuck himself for that, it was just the vibe of normalcy that he gave off, like everything was cool. If he’d produced a talking bunny rabbit I don’t think I’d have flinched. More than anything I just found myself to be curious.

“Why this particular body, Chuck? I mean how is it you come to look like you do?”

“Well we have choices as angels for what we look like when, out of necessity, we have to take human form. I chose the body and clothes from the time of my death.”

“So you were human too?”

“Of course its a prerequisite to being an angel.”

“How’d it happen?”


“How’d you die, you must have been no more than 30.”

“Twenty seven to be exact. I was drunk — first time in my life, as a matter of fact — was driving on icy roads, lost control of the car and went down a deep embankment, flipped once and landed on a boulder. You should have seen me, what a mess.”

“How can you —-”

“Right, how do I know what I looked like in death. Well I’ve watched replays of it several times. In fact we’re required to watch replies of most major events and incidents in our life and a lot of ones that seem minor but had great significance.”

 “I can see where that would be pretty rough. There’s a lot of times in my life I hate to think about let alone would want to watch a replay of.”

“You get used to it pretty quickly. In fact you learn to study and learn from it. I should think it would be especially difficult but ultimately quite constructive for someone such as yourself.”

This took me aback. “Whattaya mean for ‘someone such as myself’?”

“Come now. You work with organized crime, cheated on your wife, or should I say wives. Why you’ve committed all manner of crimes both in the legal and moral senses. You’re practically bereft of ethics.”

“Now you’re just being hard on me. I ain’t so bad, not compared to some guys I know.”

“You will learn in this life or the next that comparing yourself to others is of no value. You must be judged and you must judge yourself on your own actions.”

“Say what’s this all about, anyway? Why the visit and why the sudden dressing down?”

“I’m afraid I bring some rather bad news. I meant to ease into a bit but you’ve asked so…”

“Bad news from my guardian angel? That’s got to be the worst kind of news.” I was actually very scared, more so than I had ever been and I’m a guy who’s been in some pretty tough jams. “Okay, well lay it on me, I suppose I can take it.”

“I’m being re-assigned.”

“What? You’re not going to be my guardian angel? So I get some rookie instead?” I was relieved. This didn’t sound so bad.

“I was a rookie when I started with you.”

“By the way when did you start with me?”

“When you were born. I’ve been with you along for all of your 52 years.”

This sent a chill down my spine. Chuck had been watching me my whole life. But something didn’t make sense. “When’d you die, Chuck, I mean what year?”


“Well hell that was just over 30 years ago, no way you been watching me my whole life. You showed up when I was 22.”

“Here’s something you’d have difficulty understanding. Time is different, very much so, in the afterlife. Someone who died today could be the life long guardian angel of a man who’s turning 100.”

I trusted that what Chuck said was true even though it didn’t make the slightest sense to me.

“Okay so bottom line I’m getting a new guy.”

“I’m afraid not. You see the things is that when death approaches your guardian angel can no longer do anything for you. I’m to take on a new human. Tomorrow.”

“Death approaches? You mean mine?”

Chuck just nodded, slowly and sadly. I felt my heart drop into my bowels. Beads of sweat formed on my forehead and yet I felt chills.

There was quiet for a bit before I could muster the courage to ask: “When? How?”

“Honestly I have no idea. Soon though, I’m sure.”

“Why did you come to tell me this? Won’t you get in some trouble? This has to be a major rules violation for you.”

“It is considered bad form but you are my first so I’ll get a slap on the wrist but I’ve earned a lot of points for my protection of you. You were a difficult first client.”

“Yeah, I’ve had a lot of tough scrapes. Some I don’t know how I got out of. That was you I suppose.”

Chuck nodded then he looked real sad like and stared at me with sympathy.

“I’ve got to go,” he said.

“But wait!” I stood up and reached out like I was gonna grab him. “What’s going to happen to me? I mean, after, when I’m…?”



“I honestly have no idea. Goodbye.” And he vanished.

I spent the rest of the afternoon and early evening thinking over everything Chuck and I had talked about. I felt resigned to the idea that I was gonna die soon. My great fear was not that but what would happen after. Maybe like Chuck I’d be an angel or maybe — cause of the life I’d led — I’d be in some place like hell. The whole idea made me damn nervous so I took out a bottle of whiskey and went at it. My wife was out of town visiting her mother so I was all alone. I sat in the kitchen with the whiskey and some Sinatra records playing in the background.

At 9:00 I got a call from Vinnie. He wanted to see me the next morning over at the warehouse. I’d have thought nothing of it if it hadn’t been for Chuck, now I figured it’d be where they bumped me off. We had meetings there, sure, but a few guys had been whacked there too. It was a good place for it. They must have known I’d been skimming a little each month. I never thought it was enough for them to get wise, but I was never very good with numbers.

I drank enough that I slept like a baby despite my date with a bullet. Least I hoped it was that and not strangulation. I’d seen guys strangled before and its awful. I was pretty sure they wouldn’t torture me. I was part of the outfit after all and besides I’d confess everything before they had to.

I put on a nicer suit than I normally would, had a big breakfast and spiked my coffee with brandy. I know what you’re thinking, -- I should have taken a powder -- but they’d a tracked me down soon enough. You can't escape these guys. So here I am, about to get into my El Dorado for the last time. I know I should be scared as hell but for some reason I'm feeling calm, ready for what happens, besides I’ve had a good run. Gee it was swell of Chuck to give me the tip.

12 April 2017

Hi There? Back in What Day? Can You Bake a Pie? Explain a Movie? How Do You Relax?

I thought I'd add these wise words from Marge Simpson.
I got one of those emails asking for money for some worthy cause and it began as follows: “hi there.” I deleted it. They weren’t going to get any money from me anyway as I’ve been charitable enough lately as it is, but usually I hear those letters out. But “hi there” is a deal breaker. I’d literally prefer: “dear human” or “shmuck” or “anonymous person who may have some dough you can send us.” Just not “hi there.” I once worked with a person who “hi there”’d everyone. It was disconcerting. Hi where? Here? Maybe you respond with “and hi over there.”

So you’re probably wondering what kind of a person gets his panties in a bunch over “hi there.” There’s no end to what will irritate me. Like “back in my day.” You had a “day”? Just the one? Or are you referring to a time period? Why isn’t this your “day”? Did I too have a “day” too?  I must have missed it. Maybe its coming up. There’s another version of that: “back in the day.” When was “the day.”? Is this not “the day” too? Ya know what I do like? Halcyon days. I want some more of them. I’ve had some and they’re great. I had them back in “my day” which coincided with “the day.” Yeah, back then.

Of course you hear a lot about “the good old days.” White conservative men just love the “good old days.” For many of them those were their “salad days.” What made them great for old white guys was that they were undisputed kings. Women, African Americans, gays, people with disabilities, and other people of color were second class citizens and didn’t kick up a fuss about it — or not much of one anyway. I would love to have a time machine and travel back in time visiting various epochs but as the saying goes: “the past would be a great place to visit but I’d hate to live there.” Ain’t that the truth. Depending upon how far back and where you went you could be dealing with a lot of really awful odors. Showers and baths have not always been readily available nor thought to be healthy. Washers and dryers have not been plentiful until recently, not to mention laundromats. Many rivers and streams, and lakes in urban areas served as sewers and received industrial waste. And of course to spend a lot of time, for example in the US before the 1990s, meant inhaling a helluva lot of second hand tobacco smoke.

Can I share something that has absolutely baffled me my whole life? Well I’m going to anyway. There’s a line from the song Anything You Can Do from the musical Annie Get Your Gun that is as follows:
[Frank:] I can do most anything!
[Annie:] Can you bake a pie?
[Frank:] No.!
[Annie:] Neither can I!
For the whole song the two characters have been asserting that they are superior to the other at doing this or that. This includes such skills as killing a bird and speaking softly (frankly I’m not impressed) then suddenly Annie asks Frank if he can bake a pie. Fortunately for her he can’t. Because she can’t either. So why did she ask? What if he’d said, “why yes, I bake delicious pies.” Then suddenly she’s screwed. That is, unless she lies. Indeed, why doesn’t Frank lie? Because if Annie in fact could bake…You see what I mean? Ludicrous. Yet there it is in the middle of a hokey song from a hokey musical that I wouldn’t watch anyway so what do I care?

Recently on tweeter a well known gentleman asked if someone could please explain the last ten minutes of the recent film, Personal Shopper. I can’t for the life of me understand why someone would want a movie they just watched “explained.” That’s something I need “explained” to me. I saw Personal Shopper two weeks ago and was mystified by the last ten minutes. I was also enchanted, beguiled and amused by it. Someone “explaining” it would be akin to someone telling me why the peach I just ate tasted so good. Saturday night I finally saw Take Shelter 2011 a film which also ends mysteriously. If someone tried to explain it to me I’d sock ‘em in the jaw. Math problems should be explained, new laws need to be explained, computer features have to be explained, but art should be left to wonder at. To savor. To consider. To ponder. When it comes to art, being bemused is one of the most wonderful states I can imagine.

I’m off this week (actually most who know me would contend I’m a little off every week). I love vacations. But they don’t always make me happy. I don’t know how to just enjoy down time. I always feel like I should be doing something. Idling about doing this that and the other, taking naps, scrolling through the internet, feels like I’m wasting valuable time. I’ve got a damn novel to finish. Plenty of reading I can be doing. Languages to study. I get frustrated first with not “achieving” anything, then for being frustrated at being frustrated. I don’t know if it’s a cycle but it is vicious.

I see my psychiatrist today. I’ll probably talk about my difficulty accepting relaxing. Maybe I wont. I never know what I’m going to talk about besides of course updates on my “mental state.” I’m sure we’ll talk meds today. He had me on lamictal and as we were increasing the dose (this med was going to solve everything, by god) I developed an allergic reaction in the form of body wide rash that itched like hell. The rash is finally under control and fading but now the question becomes what — if anything — will replace the lamictal? I’m rooting for something without side effects. Such things do exist. Goodness knows I’ve experienced enough side effects over the past few decades. Lamictal rash effects only 5% of all patients who try it. Aren’t I special?

Hey what am I talking about? I ran nine miles today, finished a poem, finished this blog post, did some chores around the house and will get my head shrunk. This’ll have been a productive day. Tomorrow — the novel.

05 April 2017

Dental Surgery Anyone? Sick of Trump? Sound like a Plan? Not Under Your Roof? Keeping the Dead Closeted? Depressed and Happy?

An obligatory Rihanna photo.

I have a week off coming up. I’ll be kicking it old school saving pennies for the big trip to Europe in the Summer. People will ask what I’m going to do with my week off. I’ll say what I often say: “I’ll be performing unnecessary dental surgery on the elderly.” It never gets a laugh nor so much as a chuckle but I think it's clever and so trot it out on a regular basis.  I stick to my guns. Actually I don’t have a gun so I suppose I stick to my gums. That’s not right, peanut butter sticks to my gums. The peanut butter usually is accompanied by jelly or jam and I’d be in a jam if I ever did perform surgery on anyone, elderly or not. What’s the cut off age for being elderly? Or is it just a state of mind? I wonder if elderly is what we used to call old? When I was kid some people were old but I don’t recall anyone being elderly. Now the people that were old when I was a kid are called dead. Or deceased. No one dies anymore, they just pass away. Sometimes old people are lost. “We lost Uncle Fred last year.” Did you give up the search? Maybe if you can’t find him he’s in hiding. Doesn’t want to associate with people who refer to dead relatives as having been “lost” when they are in fact dead. Even passed away is too much for some people, who say that someone “passed.” What? Gas? A few blocks down from my house when I was growing up was what we called an old folk's home. Today it would be referred to as an elder care facility. I prefer the old way, or is it the elderly way?

Yesterday I overheard a conversation among fellow teachers in which one complained about the news being all about Trump and how Trump thus became the dominant topic of conversation in her current events class. Do you think during the Civil War Americans complained about all the news being about Lincoln and battles and slaves? Do you think during the Great Depression Americans complained about the news just being about the economic crisis and the dispossessed? Do you think during Watergate Americans complained that all the news was about Nixon and the conspiracy and the cover up? I can answer that last one: nope. Oh I’m sure some people were fed up and uninterested but most of us where riveted. What’s going on in the US today makes Watergate look like a human interest story. We’re talking treason, folks. Foreign powers directly influencing a US presidential election and US leaders (including the head honcho) and US policy. This is an enormous story the likes of which this country hasn’t seen since that Civil War earlier mentioned. Hyperbole? Not a bit. Tired of Trump, are you? Well I suppose in a sense we all our but we’ve got to maintain our focus. It’s critical not to look away and pretend it’s not there.This is not a pop song or a TV show or a celebrity we're tiring of. Because of Trump administration policies poor people will suffer, LGBT people will suffer, refugees will suffer, immigrants will suffer, our privacy will suffer, human rights around the world will suffer, the climate will suffer, women will suffer and students will suffer. Meanwhile a hostile foreign government has already influenced our government and likely will continue to. Vigilance is a must.

I know I’ve said this before and I’ll likely say it again, particularly when senility sets in (which could be any day now) but it bears repeating. When you present a plan to someone, such as, let’s meet outside the cafe at 7:00, they should never, ever, under any circumstances respond by saying: “sounds like a plan.” Of course it does you moron, it is a fucking plan. What would be weird is if your plan sounded like a sonnet, or a riddle, or soliloquy, or hymn, or a battle cry, or a yodel, or the ravings of a lunatic. "Sounds like a plan” indeed. When someone asks you a question do you respond with “sounds like a question”? Or if given directions do you in turn retort, “sounds like directions”? Or if issued a warning do you say “sounds like a warning”? No, no and no.

When I was in my very early twenties I lived with a young woman named Becky. The relationship lasted just under a year. It rankles me still that she’s the one who left me because this was a woman with the intellectual curiosity of a fiddler crab. But that’s — as is so much of what I write — beside the point. There was in those days huge 4th of July gatherings on the beach in Mendocino drawing all the local Finns and many of us from the Bay Area. My family was distant relatives of some Finnish families who lived in the very tiny berg of Comptche which was a half an hour inland from Mendocino. There was a tremendous amount of food and an even greater amount of booze at these soirees. The attendees represented all generations. I went every year in my early twenties and was not the only person who enjoyed the proverbial one night stand there. It was a wild scene of debauchery and I loved it. Anyway the year I was with Becky we went together. We were staying in one the big house in Comptche which boasted many extra bedrooms. On the beach in the middle of the revelry a middle aged gent of my acquaintance approached Becky and I ostensibly for a bit of friendly banter. But he had a point to make and that was that Becky and I couldn’t sleep together “under my roof.” Being in his cups he repeated the “under my roof” line several times. I wondered, what the hell is it with this guy's roof? The man’s got a sensitive roof. Would it be okay if we slept together on his roof? Another person later gave us the same business about his roof and what we couldn’t do under it. Geez fellas, nobody’s asking to do anything under your precious roof. Both old coots (they were actually younger then than I am today) also added that whatever we did on our own was our business. This was a relief. I was glad they appended that to their remarks lest I think they try to interfere in our personal lives.

I’ve been increasingly miffed about something. Two months ago I attended a memorial service for my good friend Kevin. His siblings and cousins all spoke about him and recounted his jobs, travels, talents, special interests and hobbies. They covered it all (almost) from editor of the high school yearbook to regular volunteer at AA. But they said not one word about his work with LBGT organizations. Kevin had been active in Lavender Seniors for years and had been for decades an outspoken advocate of gay rights. Hell they never even mentioned he was gay. Alcoholic, sure, but gay, no. One might suppose that this had something to do with the fact that a sizable part of the family are mormons and many were in attendance. Fuck ‘em. What the hell were they going to do if Kevin’s sexuality was mentioned? Walk out? Stand up and announce that he should burn in hell? Kevin told me more than once that some kinfolks had tried to persuade him to join the mormon church and that he always replied that he’d consider it if they ever allowed gay priests. (Actually I’m pretty sure that even then he wouldn’t have considered it.) It’s 2017 and people who are out of the closet should not be shoved back in in death. Especially not for the sake of a few bigots.

I close with a few words about my current state — not that anyone asked. I am currently experiencing my second consecutive day without depression. The depression laid siege 12 months ago and in that time I’ve never had more than two weeks free of it. Once I had ten days and another time a week. I’ve had a few two and three day stretches here and there. The last two weeks had been pretty bad as I had an allergic reaction to an increase in lamictal as we increased my dosage. The reaction came in the form of a rash that extended from head to toe and itched like crazy. Today is the first day that it has improved (yes I’ve been to the doctor and yes I’m off the lamictal). Here’s the thing, I am a very happy person. I always have been. Somehow in a way that I can’t explain I’m even happy when I’m spending most of my waking hours depressed. I’m happy even though I’ve contemplated suicide and even though I live in fear of panic attacks. I know that doesn’t sound like it makes sense but damned if it's not true. Perhaps it is my physical health, my wife, my daughters, my friends, relatives, work and all the art and beauty that surround me. I even get into the depths of despair and some part of me remains — in an overall sense — happy. The rash has made it extra hard to be happy but…I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe it’s not so much happiness as optimism. Maybe it’s gratitude. Maybe it’s love. Maybe it’s hope. Whatever it is, I’m happy about it.

29 March 2017

I Like Pelicans But I Hate Depression -- Guess Which I Have?

Hand me down my walkin' cane
Hand me down my hat
Hurry now and don't be late
'Cause we ain't got time to chat
You and me we're goin' out
To catch the latest sound
Guaranteed to blow your mind
So high you won't come down
Hey ya'll prepare yourself for the rubber band man
- From Rubberband Man by The Spinners

Write what you know. Write what you know. Write what you know. Fine, but what do I know? Right now I know the mental ache of depression. Emotionally draining, meaningless, purposeless depression that medication can’t seem to quell. Depression that I can be distracted from but not for long. When I finished watching a movie earlier it was there waiting for me. All that pain just sitting at my side waiting patiently. Depression is a patient bugger. It can stand there by the side of your bed waiting for you to wake up. It can let you go for a little while, let you enjoy life for a bit than come back all at once moving rapidly from the top of your head down to your toes.

You can feel like you’re swimming in it and there’s no side of a pool, no shore, no bank of the river. All you can do is tread water and talk yourself out of purposely drowning. The depression clouds your vision and stops up your ears and weakens your muscles and all you want to do is curl up into the fetal position. Sometimes — like now — it’s merely awful and not debilitating and you can write. So you write what you know and all you know right now is a soul sapping depression.

Lucky in so damn many ways. I can put one foot in front of the other and take care of business. Maybe slowly at first but I get there. So yeah I can work. I can run errands. I can go to the gym where I can work out enough to produce some endorphins that will stave off the depression for a few hours. I can sure as hell plunk myself in front of a TV show or a movie.

But oh the pain is so real.

I increased to 100 milligrams of lamictal on Friday. After two weeks I’ll up it to 200. If a few weeks at 200 doesn’t do the trick….Of course there's now a side effect....Most unwelcome

That’s not something to think about now. No use. No way. No how. No deal. No point. Pointless. Less. Mess. Messy brain. Not insane. In the shit. In the depths. In the feelings. But don’t despair. Don’t except this as normal. View it as temporary. Don’t give in, give up. Turn it over. Over turn it. It it it it it it it. It has a life of its own and is messing up mine. Mind.

Sighs from deep within. Just cascade out. Sometimes as I rear my head upwards. Is that how you say it? Do you rear your head. Raise it maybe better.

I remember snorts of cocaine chased by a swig of imported beer and feeling like anything was impossible. I could anything. Any. Thing. But all I did was more. All I did was get higher and higher. All I did was it. And in the morning I looked regret right in the face and give it the middle finger. I had a purpose and it was to be high, high, higher. I was a flyer.

I’ve had my ups and downs and evens. Lot of even Steven. Lot of love and hate and just can’t wait and hurry there and linger here and slide sideways. Rev it up and go then screech to a halt. Plunge.

I’ve thought of that long step off the Golden Gate Bridge into the beautiful waters below. Splash/crash. It would be finite. I’ve read that people who survive the jump say that halfway down they realize they’ve made a mistake. I bet. Thing is it can not be reversed. Cursed. So I’ll steer clear of the bridge during dark moods.

And oh did I mention the itching? (The side effect I mentioned.) An allergic reaction to the Lamictal. It was going to cure all my ills but merely started another one. So we’ll be trying something else. Meanwhile the dreaded rash. Sharper than an eczema itch -- maddening.

One day at a time. One hour. One minute. One step. Make it through this moment, then the next. Don’t pick up a drink or  a gun and don’t let defeat or even despair settle in. Push forward everyday, do what is in front of you. Remember the love around you.

Still. Wouldn’t. Trade. Places. With. Anyone. Else. In the world. Not for a second. Don’t need the normal brain. Don’t need the money. Don’t need the fame. Don’t. I’ve been this person, the one who I am, for decades. I’ve grown to like it and to accept all the problems associated with being me. I’m intent on seeing this journey out and will continue to move toward trying to be a much better man than the one who started adulthood. Obstacles are everywhere but I will not be deterred. Every day a new challenge.

I’m a comin atchya with my moves and the grooves and we gonna dance. Take a stance. The blue tipped bird told me that birds can’t talk so why I listening to him. I say he gotta point and go on my way. I see the sun shine and burn and glow and what not and it makes my brain go a little bit panicky. Sets it off you might stay. Play to pray. This is a Trumpy world where it’s all going straight to Hades unless we persist and resist and make him cease and desist. I’ma hollah at ya later about this.

I miss Grizz and Tim and Kevin and my brother. Deceased. I’d love a minute more with each. Fine fellows. One a hulk one a jock one a carpenter one chatterbox. All gone now and no coming back. That is the way of the world and I struggle with it everyday. Damn it.

Back to me. Lower case love and affection and italicized kisses and bold faced pronouncements. I actually will carry on. Can’t stop me now.

19 March 2017

Stuff Happens, Some is Interesting -- I Write About it Because That's What I Do

How’m I doing? Sure why not, let’s start with that. Earlier today I ran nine miles so I feel pretty good. But subsequent to that I made what I thought was a funny comment to the wife but she was offended by it, got angry and I sunk into depression. It happens just like that. A small upset will take me from the top of the world to the bottom of the chasm. Sometimes nothing is required, I’ll just be sitting in my favorite chair feeling wonderful and in an instant I’m overcome with sorrow. No warning either. Earlier today I watched my favorite English soccer team suffer an ignominious defeat. Bummer. That was before my run. The run produced endorphins aplenty and the consequent runner’s high. After the run I watched my second favorite English soccer team win. It helped a little. Then came the dumb remark. So I was depressed and useless to the world. It’s difficult to be of any value to yourself or others during depression unless you’re working in which case you go on automatic pilot and are your usual self. I managed to pop a DVD that I got from Netflix into my computer. Fifteen minutes in I realized I wasn’t going to like the movie so I cut my losses and ejected it. Then I selected a movie from my extensive DVD collection (somewhere around 240 films) knowing that as one of my favorites I would enjoy it. The film in question was The Big Lebowski and I did indeed enjoy it.  I like The Dude his madcap adventures and wacky friends, lovers and opponents. The Coens directed the film and they're among my favorite directors. Right now the wife is out having dinner with an old friend (she’s no longer miffed with me, in case you were wondering) so finding myself home alone and hungry I ordered a pizza. As I write these very words that you are reading (I flatter myself that anyone will ever read this) I await the arrival of said pizza. Because it is for me and me alone I got to order any toppings I wanted and so it will come with anchovies, pineapple and green peppers. A Caesar salad will accompany said pizza. Yum. Thus ends this overly long paragraph.

Here begins what promises to be a much shorter paragraph. Yesterday during a teacher meeting we were informed of this that and the other thing and discussed one or two matters. There was nothing earth shattering being discussed, that’s the way of such things. A half an hour in I had to excuse myself to answer Mother Nature’s call. When I returned a teacher was discussing her problems with bored students and those (often, of course, bored) who can’t stay off their cell phone. I saw the boss glance over at me a couple of times and feared she’d call on me to advise in this matter. However I managed to keep my yap shut as other teachers commiserated and offered feeble suggestions and shared similar tragedies.Why my reluctance to throw in the proverbial two cents? I might have been forced — when asked what I do about bored students — to reply that I do not have bored students. Or at least none who are bored for more than a few seconds. How arrogant would that have sounded? Very, I’m sure. But the truth is I don’t have bored students. My only advice to teachers whose students are bored is to make your lessons more interesting. Be a more interesting person. It is not the fault of the student if she or he is bored. That’s on you the teacher, pal. As for cell phones, this is in large part a byproduct of boredom. But even in the best of classes students are constantly nagged by the feeling that their phone requires their immediate attention. Goodness knows what texts have been missed, or email or Facebook posts, or news or sports scores or Instagrams or tweets. The phone is irresistible because there is always something new on it. New, new, new. Yes I’ve gone off topic and am in danger of making this paragraph as long as the last when I’d promised not to. Simple enough. I stop it here.

This paragraph will be a more manageable length. So you may be wondering what I do about cell phones in class. Simple. I bash the offender over the head with a crowbar. Lesson learned. No but seriously folks. First of all repeat offenders lose their attendance for that class -- that rarely happens. Usually I stop teaching and stare at the person’s phone until they see fit to put it away. Only rarely do I have to “get tough.” I hasten to add that “getting tough” with ESL students from around the world is a piece of cake for someone such as myself who taught middle school for two decades.

I recently heard the same teacher who was whining about bored students talk to a colleague about how well a class had gone and how engaged everyone had been. She then spoke of how disappointed they’d all be the next day when the focus was entirely on grammar. She imagined having to tell them that they would have to take their medicine (I paraphrased, by the way, she said nothing of medicine, but it was the same idea). I was aghast. Imagine a teacher setting aside an entire class to grammar (perfectly okay — indeed encouraged — in a grammar elective class) and conceding that an entire class period was libel to be a big snooze. What an awful thing to do to students. Every class should cover several different skills and should be divided accordingly. Also, every class should have at least a modicum of fun. Learning should never be painful (unless you’re studying to be a masochist) learning should be a pleasurable experience. You can stuff in one helluva lot of knowledge and expertise and understanding while having a right jolly good time in the bargain. In fact people are better learners when they’re happy.

There are other things on my mind tonight, like a great many people I’m — shall we say —

That’s where I stopped writing on Saturday. Mid sentence. I don’t recall what interrupted me, maybe a meteor shower. We pick up this post on Sunday AM. You will note that some of the following is fictional — or is it?

Subsequent to the writings of last night I got into a knife fight with a passerby. Successful in this venture and intent on a peaceful blood-free evening, I watched an episode of he The Simpsons and ate my pizza. Eventually my wife returned from her dinner with old friend and we engaged in conversation. This was followed by a movie, more chatting and then off to bed. However the journey from living room to bedroom was interrupted by a beam of light radiating from the sky and shining through our window. I went outside to find that an alien spacecraft had landed  in front of our abode. One member of the crew alighted from the flying saucer and engaged me in conversation. Her first question was about the NCAA basketball tournament. I gave as much of an update as I could from memory then checked the other scores on my iPhone. She lamented that their internet was a bit spotty and the ship’s tech guy was at this moment working on it. The alien, who’s Earth name was Nancy, said that her home planet was several million light years away and their journey took six months. It would have been shorter but they stopped a few places to eat and take bathroom breaks and buy souvenirs. Eventually our conversation got around to the current political state of the world. I invited Nancy into the house and the wife and I got out our computers and showed her some clips of Donald Trump speaking and read her some of his tweets. Once fully apprised of the leader of the free world Nancy thanked us and said: “with this man being in charge I think it best we hightail it out of here.” Before departing she took a selfie with us. By the way Nancy bore a striking resemblance to a young Diane Keaton.

Because of the excitement of the evening it was difficult to get to sleep straightaway so I counted the number of alien encounters I’ve had. I remember getting to 30. I slept well. This morning I breakfasted on cereal, keifer and a banana along with English Breakfast tea. After a thorough scouring of the internet, the better half and I went grocery shopping. We have since returned home and I have written some of the words which you are no doubt not reading as you’ve never heard of me or my blog and wouldn’t read it if you had.

Now then, can you guess which parts of today’s addition to the blog post are fictional? Feel free to submit your guess in the comments section. Winners will receive an all expense round trip vacation to Syria. No foolin’.

13 March 2017

Those Were The Days: Burglary, Booze and Drugs and Mooney's Garage Home

One of my best friends in high school was Mike Mooney -- people only ever called him Mooney. He’d been kicked out of his parents’ house, though not very far out. He lived in the converted garage in the backyard. It was actually better than his room in the house or any of the rooms any of us had in our homes. He even had a hot plate and a toilet. I don't remember exactly why he got the heave ho but it likely had to do with his preference for drugs over school.

We used to hang out at Mooney’s because it offered us maximum privacy. Mooney's parents had as little to do with him as possible so there was no risk of anyone walking in us. We were all around 16 and had recently become enamored of alcohol and drugs, including psychedelics. We would sometimes drop acid there and then head for Tilden Park in the Berkeley Hills.

The most nefarious of our activities was burglary. The rest of us were only accessories before and after the fact. Mooney did the dirty work. He would slip out of the garage and be gone for anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour and half. He was always successful and came back with liquor. He only once took anything else when there was a wad of cash sitting on a table that he felt was too tempting to resist. Our thieving friend also sometimes left a calling card in the form of a full toilet — provided that mother nature had called.

Being an idiot teenager I was able to rationalize Mooney’s escapades because it was booze he was heisting and often from people who had plenty to spare and maybe even so much that they wouldn’t miss what he took. My other friend, Mark Norman, and I did berate him for taking the cash but quickly forgot about it.

We would gladly imbibe whatever Mooney brought us. We had heard somewhere that mixing different kinds of alcohol was not recommend but we were young and invulnerable so didn’t worry about it. Usually the spirits accompanied the other drugs we took whether grass or acid so we didn't drink too much anyway.

We were great ones for conversations often covering great philosophical concepts. Like most teenagers we had a greatly exaggerated sense of our understanding of and insights into life. By virtue of our drug use we reckoned that we’d risen to another level of consciousness. Most everyone else — grown ups in particular — were hopelessly square and took everything at face value. We, on the other hand, were as enlightened as rock stars, who in our estimation were the true great thinkers of the world. Within the lyrics of rock songs were the keys to understanding life. Rock songs were the portals to higher levels of awareness. We constantly strove to reach higher levels of awareness. Politics invariably entered our conversations as we railed against Nixon, Vietnam and social injustice of all kinds. But mostly we laughed and talked about girls and movies and sports. We were basically happy lads though racked with psychological pain that we were not prepared to admit to much less wrestle with. Both Mooney and I were seeing psychiatrists. In my case the benefits of analysis were minimized by my steadfast determination to put on a good show for the doctor by being as cool as I possibly could and betraying no vulnerabilities.

We did delve into a lot of personal issues during our debauches and this was certainly cathartic although mitigated somewhat by how damn high we got. And get high we did. For my part scholastic achievements, glory on the athletic fields and family relationships didn’t suffer (though one could argue that all three might have been better had I not indulged so much). I received mostly “A”s and was a soccer star and other than my schizophrenic mother got along famously with family both immediate and extended.

One Saturday the soccer team Mark and I starred on won our league championship. The game was over by early afternoon so we headed over to Mooney’s. He had by this time accumulated several bottles of liquor. This was a rare occasion in that we had no drugs. Booze was not going to be the supplement but the main and only course. We decided to find a secluded spot in the hills and partake.

I recall taking large swigs of various types of liquor, primarily whiskey and vodka. My companions were more restrained. It was not long before I was stinking drunk and could neither stand nor see. Yes, I was blind drunk. Mark and Mooney had to lead me stumbling through the streets of Berkeley on a long trek back to my home. My father was away for the weekend and my mother was of sound body but not mind. After being deposited at the front door, mom put me to bed concluding that I had a nasty case of the flu. This notion was not diminished when the next morning I went on an extended vomiting spree.

On Monday I was fit as a fiddle again, I’ve always been able to rebound from illness and during my drinking days from hangovers. I saw Mark that day and he told me of a conversation that him and Mooney had as I lied there on the hill totally out of it. They had decided that if the three of us were stranded on an island I would be the first to die. It seemed an unnecessary remark to make, not to mention cruel, but teenage boys are not known for their tact. I remembered that comments years later. Within two years of it Mooney had died of a drug overdose and a several years after that I spoke with Mark on the phone and his mind was all but gone from hundreds of acid trips. This former pacifist said he wanted to join the army so he’d have the chance to legally kill people. I don’t know whatever became of him but it couldn't have been good.

Eventually, of course, I became more proficient at drinking, in large part because my beverage of choice became beer, which is far easier to handle. I would sometimes partake of scotch, brandy, wine with meals, martinis and other concoctions if the spirit or moment so moved me. I steered away from all drugs with the rather notable exception of cocaine which I indulged in given half a chance, or a quarter of one.

Drinking became a way of life for me, one that was all encompassing and threatening to destroy me. It was a miracle when the lightning struck and the realization came that I was an addict. Now nearly 30 years later I am miles away from perfect with no possibility of getting much closer — progress not perfection being the byword. I’m bi polar and struggle with depression but so long as I don’t yield to despair I manage well enough.

My times with Mark and Mooney and other assorted friends who sometimes joined us remain an important memory for me, indeed one I cherish. Those were — at the risk of being obvious — formative years and for better and for worse shaped the person I’ve been ever since. I appreciate the headiness of those times and the ongoing efforts to make sense of the world. I’m forever sorry that fate was not kinder to my two companions and forever grateful that I’ve lived such a fulfilling and happy life highlighted by a successful marriage and two daughters who I love beyond all measure.

Good ole Mooney, good ole Mark. High times, fun times. Times.

06 March 2017

What if While Riding on the Subway......

What if while riding on the subway someone ran down the aisle throwing confetti?

What if while riding on the subway the person next to me claimed to be the reincarnation of Fyodor Dostoyevsky?

What if while riding on the subway I faked a heart attack?

What if while riding on the subway a ball of fire came flying down the car right at me?

What if while riding on the subway a giraffe tried to board but couldn’t because it’s neck was too long?

What if while riding on the subway all the passengers broke into song and the song was Stairway to Heaven?

What if while riding on the subway Beyonce and Jay Z sat across from me?

What if while riding on the subway a service dog started break dancing?

What if while riding on the subway a ballet troupe boarded and proceeded to recite dirty limericks?

What if while riding on the subway the driver got on the intercom and said he wasn’t wearing pants?

What if while riding on the subway someone created a ruckus or a brouhaha or a free-for-all?

What if while riding on the subway two passengers exchanged harsh words regarding the hidden message of Peter Pan?

What if while riding on the subway someone played a recording of the Sermon on the Mount as read by Fred Flinstone?

What if while riding on the subway a pelican wearing kilts and a tam o’ shanter got on?

What if while riding on the subway I started asking people if they had ever met Gilbert and or Sullivan?

What if while riding on the subway someone got on board extolling the virtues of necrophilia?

What if while riding on the subway everyone started speaking Iroquois?

What if while riding on the subway I thought of some particularly silly questions about riding the subway?

What if while riding on the subway I had an existential —                ?

What if while riding on the subway someone complained about their lumbago while eating a liverwurst sandwich?

What if while riding on the subway half the passengers started to think about one thing and the other half started to think about the other?

What if while riding on the subway someone stopped looking at her or his cellphone and said, “Maybe I’ll just think for a little while"?

What if while riding on the subway the train went into and out of and into and out of different dimensions?

What if while riding on the subway there was a momentary lull and then a crash and a boom?

What if while riding on the subway the air was rife with a tension so thick you could use it as dry wall?

What if while riding on the subway toxic fumes rendered everyone narcoleptic?

What if while riding on the subway I made an obscure literary reference and someone coughed?

What if while riding on the subway someone initiated a burping contest?

What if while riding on the subway angels flitted about kissing foreheads?

What if while riding on the subway there was a pleasant interlude?

What if while riding on the subway the ghost of William Howard Taft walked through asking people, "what the hell are you doing here, buddy?"

What if while riding on the subway the Gestapo came through saying, "your papers, please?"

What if while riding on the subway there was an act of kindness and another of civil disobedience and yet another of courageous defiance?

What if while riding on the subway a hushed silence fell over the crowd as the great man rose to speak in defense of the accused?

What if while riding on the subway there was an outbreak of sanity?

What if while riding on the subway a dentist plied his tried?

What if while riding on the subway there was turbulence and it was because we had taken flight?

What if while riding on the subway Jean Valjean ran through our car with Inspector Javert in hot pursuit?

What if while riding the subway I just said, "th-th-th- that's all folks!"?

01 March 2017

My Goddamned Brain is Having its Way With Me Again

“I am terrified by this dark thing
That sleeps in me;
All day I feel its soft, feathery turnings, its malignity.”
-- Sylvia Plath

The brightness outside is paralyzing. I got a block and half and had to turn around and come home. I’m currently a prisoner in my home. I’d only just taken my morning Ativan minutes before leaving. Maybe if I wait for it to kick in I can try again. Maybe I’ll take a second one. It’s okay to take two in a day. If I take two and still can’t venture out then I’m in trouble. I suppose I’m in trouble as it is.

I have no such problems when it’s cloudy or at night. No panic attacks then. But bright sunlight, sometimes even when I’m indoors, can trigger whatever it is that makes me feel the grip of terror. That horrible, awful feeling of not belonging in my own skin. The surety of pending madness, the total death of reality and the fall into the abyss.

The odd thing is that one of my stops was going to be the pharmacy where refills on some of the medications I take await me. You think I like being a slave to pills? Trust me, it’s not my idea, not my choice. I bristle every time a doctor prescribes something. But I’m fighting desperate battles against acute panic disorder and depression. I’m bi-polar. Going to war without meds is like fighting a well-armed enemy without weapons. Yes I go to therapy as well. In fact I have an appointment this afternoon. I’m worried about making it there. But I know I have to so one way or the other I will.

Sometimes my life is a living hell. Fortunately I have so much love and beauty and warmth and kindness surrounding me that I can still push on. Yesterday was my birthday and the love and well wishes I received filled me with strength enough to carry on for another year. But right now I’m scared and worried and sad. I can’t take a normal walk on a normal day on normal errands.

Normal, what a concept. What the hell is “normal” anyway? I don’t feel like I’ve ever had the benefit of normality. I’ve also never really understood it. Does it exist? Do I even want it? I see people who seem normal and are in seemingly normal situations and their lives appear so empty, so dull, so uninspired, a walking death. Of course I can’t possibly know all the triumphs and all the tragedies that make up their lives, just as they can’t know mine. We really know so little about one another, even the people we encounter on a daily basis. What do they really think? What turns them on? What scares them? What are their hopes, dreams, foibles, fears, idiosyncrasies?

We all put on public faces. There are ways in which we want others to perceive us. For one thing we want to be seen as normal, we want to fit in, be liked. Some of us want more attention than others, some of want less. I know for my part I want both. I want to be left alone but at the same time noted for what makes me interesting.

In putting on public masks people obviously want to show themselves at their best. This often requires exaggeration and the glossing over of weaknesses. Our public face is like a resume that highlights our accomplishments — stretching the truth as necessary — and ignores our failures.

In fitting in we try to find common ground. This is often easiest when recounting everyday experiences. We share stories and feelings about naturally occurring experiences. The vagaries of commuting, the common cold, minor mishaps, meals, the weather, weekends, sleep are all typical fodder to relating to one another without over sharing and without risk.

There is also a common language used by each generation. For example I work with a lot of people who are many years my junior. They constantly say things like: “totally” “no worries” “right on” “so…..” “awesome.” None of these words are extraordinary in anyway but it is their particular usage and the frequency with which they are employed that is different from people of my generation.

End of first part. After writing it I successfully ran my errands, returned home, watched a movie, cleaned the house, went to my appointment and returned home again. This second part is written  seven hours later.

I am, according to my psychiatrist, a puzzler. My depression is erratic and neither seems biological nor caused by external factors. I do not consider this to be good news. My panic attacks are another matter and not so pressing as, today aside, they haven’t been a problem for the past eight months or so. Barring a repeat of this afternoon’s trouble, we can steady our focus on the mystery of my bouts of depression, one of which has made its way into my consciousness in the past half hour. Great. Fantastic. Wonderful. Super. Once again I’m enveloped by sorrow and the pain of living no matter that all in my life is both hunky dory and peachy keen.

At least I’m so far able to write. The depression has sometimes makes the very idea of creating sentences seem like climbing up a sheer cliff. Already now I find it hard to finish a sentence and very difficult indeed to start a new one. The dull all encompassing mental ache is starting to take over. I’m trying mightily to push through it and create.

…………………………….. Harder and….harder. I probe I push I pull I pulverize I ponder I peak I perambulate I prevaricate I passssssssssssss.


Dinner is cooking. I can smell it. Tamales. Refried beans (why were they fried again?). There will be cool water. There will be desert. There will be reading if the depression doesn’t tighten its grip and if it does I will resort to the television and I will sigh. So these are my days. Sometimes. Unless they are not. Never know what’s coming. At least I can count on surprises.

Oh god I feel soooooooooooo bad. Totally. Not awesome. Many worries. Right on and off. World without end, the whirling dervish and the captive brain cells and the hells bells and turtle shells and smells of —