He Can Cure Cancer! I Google a Long-Lost Relative and Find an Amazing Man (According to Him, Anyway)

My cousin in an undated photo

(The following, I swear to all that is holy, is a true story. At least according to the gentleman whose words I directly quote.)

He’s cured cancer! He’s helped two professional teams win championships! He’s a financial wizard! He's an author! And he’s a kin of mine!

I recently googled a second cousin who I haven’t seen since he was a child — about thirty-five years ago. I remembered little about him other than he looked — as did I — like your typical kid of Finnish descent, especially the blonde locks. I was close to his older brother for a time but had very little interaction with him. I was curious about the lad who would be in his early fifties by now. What I discovered amazed me. It was remarkable that I had’t heard of him before. Given his accomplishments he should have had his name splashed across the headlines of major publications many times over. 

I here provide excerpts of what I found about him on the internet. All of it in his own humble words.

From his Twitter profile:

Brain and Life Scientist whose company effects massive change at the deepest level quickly in your sports, business, and in your health.

From an ezine article he wrote:

How does one turn their own money facets on? Is there such-a-thing as a money facet? When most non-rich people think of money, they think of money from a few self-limiting beliefs. For example, some non-rich people think money is the root of all evil. In thinking this way, do you think their deep brain (the subconscious a vastly powerful thing) would allow lots of money to show up into their lives? It can't. And they won't let it! Are getting the idea that some of your extremely powerful subconscious beliefs (your deep brain programming) of yourself and others are your governing wheel?

You might be wondering, why did the non-rich people do that? That is an excellent question. To answer this question in a way that will gleam the information required for you to begin transcending your own self-induced "non-rich" deep brain programming you must begin to realize who you really are and how interconnected everything in life really is.

(His tweets boasts no likes, retweets or comments.)

From his Ezine profile:

…..has started a new practice since retiring from his pediatric DC practices in 2009. He's started a new company called Performance Enhancement Technologies helping stage 4 cancer patients quickly cure their dreaded disease, guaranteed. In addition, he helps professional athletes dissolve slumps and enhance performances to new levels. His previous accomplishments pale to what he is doing now. Previously, he helped kid's IQs soar and help these same kids function a higher levels of abilities.

…. recently (2012) stepped down the position of MLF Personal Growth Chairperson of the oldest and largest public affairs forum in the United States, The Commonwealth Club of California. He spent 4 years hosting and speaking and inspiring guests and the Commonwealth Club membership and public. He in 2013 released his first book called "How To Achieve Every Desire Effortlessly - The Hidden Science of You & Life - Volume 1. He is currently writing a new book explaining his miraculous results with terminal (stage 4) cancer patients.

Through ….. unique experiences he has found that individuals are the sole cause of their experiences. Thus being so, he has found and or discovered an easy and effortless way to change one's fate.

(I couldn’t find evidence of any books he’s written.)

From his crunchbase profile:

….was exposed to cancer when his high school friend of many years and his favorite uncle passed away. Cancer had taken them both. Dr. David was powerfully moved to find a cure and what really causes cancer. At the same time he discovered when using this science based technology he blissfully discovered not only does it cure cancer quickly, even stage 4 cancers, it also increases athletic abilities in sports and increases mental performance. Sadly, when his uncle passed he was very close to finding the complex yet highly effective solution. And he currently has a 100% success rate when clients and patients follow his easy and simple directions. 

From his Facebook page: 

Dr. …. published a book revealing the process (The Work) of how deadly diseases can be healed and life can become a blissful unfoldment of your desires.

What controls the performance levels you achieve in your chosen field? If you answered something outside of yourself, your absolutely incorrect. However, if your answer was your brain, you're absolutely correct.

Looking for a person who has been diagnosed with AIDS who would like to be healed completely. And start a fresh new chapter in their life. Have them get in touch with me through my website.

From his LinkedIn page:

We help struggling professional sports teams quickly win championships, guaranteed.

Dr. ….. is the second-to-none sports performance doctor and consultant who helps professional athletes and their teams quickly win world championships. From 2010 to 2018 he helped several professional sports teams each win multiple championships. 

In 1990 the doctor began his professional journey learning and studying and researching to find out what actually holds a person back from being a superstar. As a primary health care provider he also wanted to know what kept a person from healing from the major diseases. Through his research and experimenting on his patients and athlete clients he found a powerful process that helps both the wannabe superstars and incurable patients achieve their goals. In other words, the cure for both was exactly the same.
Consequently, to share what he learned, Dr. …. began writing his 1st book in 2004 and published it in 2013. Then in late 2018 Dr. …. began writing his second book called, How to Achieve Every Desire Effortlessly, The Hidden Sciences of You and Life, Volume 2 which is due to come out in 2022.
…… is presently as of 2020 interviewing with teams for his next championship run.

Also on Linkedin:

President and Founder and Consultant

Performance Enhancement Technologies

Jan 2004 - Present18 years 3 months

Through his decades of clinical practice in pediatrics and sports performance fields and his deep curiosity of the scientific literature of the latest research on brain performance, he have come to the inescapable understanding and conclusion that everybody's successes, and healings, and failures come about for one extremely powerful reason: it is whether or not their brain's self-sabotaging and performance-suppression system is turned on or off.
The doctor's unparalleled success in helping professional teams and athletes perform dramatically better and win multiple world championships has come from his ability to take the PhDs' in-the-lab experimental results and apply them quickly in the real world.
These unmatched guaranteed results are caused by the doctor's proprietary technology, coined Fusion.

(There were two recommendations for my relative on this page — both from the same person.)

The good doctor is a chiropractor with an office in the Bay Area that appears to be a going concern. He has three reviews — all from 2011 — one gives him five stars (out of five) another three stars and the other one star. Those reviews and the two comments on LinkedIn are the only references I could find to my cousin that were not in his own words.

You’d think a someone who could cure stage four cancer would engender some discussion on the web but…..

I Write About My Day So Far, Mostly About A Walk

Jack Kerouac. He wasn't with me on my walk but is often on my mind.

Time to check in.

I’m doing well. 

The novel I’m writing is a massive project that threatens to overwhelm but I keep grinding. Showing up. Putting in a shift. 

On my walk.

Walked by hordes of high school students emerging from my alma mater on their lunch break. My what a scruffy lot. No one seems to dress well anymore. I was not known for my sartorial elegance as a teenager but I put in an effort. Also a proliferation of studs and rings — never found that look attractive, traditional ear rings aside (my old fogginess is showing) even an occasional tattoo. Most boys wearing shirts with writing and emblems and symbols and pictures on them. Hair askew, guess they’re not big on brushes or combs. Been over fifty years since I was a high school student. What a strange lad I was. I was a hippie, jock, revolutionary, druggie, sports fan -- the combo package. And a straight A student. But I was mostly happy in those days. Didn’t know what to make of myself in the future. That is, if I thought of the future at all. 

Previously had been walking on and near the Cal campus. Striking difference between high schoolers and college students even though some are but a year or two apart in age. College students are more focused, more comfortable in their skin, more relaxed. They’ve already taken the first leap into adulthood. Most are living away from home and enjoying the consequent independence. Many are exclusively taking classes they’re interested in. They also know a little bit about love and romance and sex and are slightly more at ease on those topics. In Berkeley they have the added benefit of attending the top public university in the world. Some high school students are oozing in confidence but even they have inevitable insecurities. Peer pressure a greater burden for teens.

I’d gone to Berkeley’s infamous Telegraph Avenue to trade in some CDs and DVDs for store credit. The damn store was closed on Mondays.

Live and learn.

Never mind, the bag I carried wasn’t heavy and was listening to a podcast so continued my stroll.

Some of the “action” in my latest novel is set on the university campus. Specifically late sixties/early seventies demonstrations which morphed into riots — often it was the police who were running amuck. So I walked the ground were events in the novel take place. Space is always bigger in reality than in your mind’s eye — at least for me. I visualized the protagonist running about, evading police officers, choking on tear gas, watching his brethren getting beaten by nightsticks. 

Later made my way downtown. Walked by a pizzeria. Was hungry and noted that the pizza of the day (they only make one kind a day at Sliver) looked delish. I had a slice. Ambled the rest of the way home. Here I sit. Writing this. Almost finished.

Been re-reading Kerouac in recognition of his 100th birthday on Saturday. Currently breezing through the deliriously wonderful, Desolation Angels, his most poetic book. Going to the Beat Museum on Saturday where they’re having an open house in honor of the great day. Will I write here about it? We’ll see.

I’m going to end this post with the next sentence as I’ve got to get back to the novel. The day’s been okay so far.

Can I Have a Quick Word and Other Inanities Uttered in Workplaces

 Things often heard in workplaces:

“I’m gonna grab some lunch.”

“Can I have a quick word?”

“We’re gonna have a quick meeting.”

“I’m having to do a little catch up.”

“First we need to do a little housekeeping.”

“Just a few quick announcements.”

“Can I grab that off your desk real quick?”

"How is everyone today?"

“I just need to make a real quick copy.”

“I’m gonna grab a coffee, you want one?”

"Good weekend?"

“Sorry, I’ve gotta take this call.”

“I look forward to hearing all about your trip.”

“He just stepped away for a minute.”

“She’s not at her desk right now.”

"I'm way behind on my emails."

"Who signed off on this?"

"Hey, it's Friday!"

“I’ve gotta make a quick trip to the bathroom.”

“I just need a hot minute.”

“He’s out today.”

“Can’t. I’m right in the middle of something.”

“You caught me at a bad time.”

“I’ll have to get back to you on that.”

"It's been crazy around here all week."

"Have a good one."

“There’s some pastries in the break room, grab one.”

“I’m going to decapitate Jane in accounting.”

“There’s a live badger in the reception area.”

“Please don’t defecate on the copy machine.”

“We’re excepting a shipment of dildos any day now.”

“The wharf rat casserole is excellent.”

“Martin Heidegger’s groundbreaking work in ontology and metaphysics determined the course of 20th-century philosophy on the European continent and exerted an enormous influence on virtually every other humanistic discipline, including literary criticism, hermeneutics, psychology, and theology.”

“Dude, I’m totally fucking wasted.”

And Many Happy Returns, The Author Celebrates His Birthday

The author. (Not a recent photo.)

Happy birthday.

To me.

Sixty-eight today and I swear I feel fantastic. My main problem with aging has been the chronological number attached to it and the fact that it indicates how much nearer I am to the end than the beginning. (There’s also the fact that I’m not the cutie pie I used to be.) I'm working on all that.

Perception.

I’ve always liked my birthday. For one thing I receive gifts. I like gifts. I also enjoy receiving cards, letters, texts, emails and in-person greetings from friends, kinfolk and acquaintances. 

The immediate family and I always have a special dinner on my birthday and a sweet and delicious dessert.

I don’t believe I’ve ever had a bad birthday. Indeed I’ve had some real corkers. Most of the ones from when I was four through a teenager were great. Birthdays as a kid are the best.

I’ve enjoyed a couple of surprise birthday parties. I like those. You often hear people say they hate surprises. I’ve never understood that. I love surprises — assuming they’re good ones. A surprise and a party combined are wonderful. Why wouldn’t someone enjoy that?

Some birthdays take on a special importance. Eighteen, twenty-one and all the subsequent ones that end in a zero.

I was not at all bothered about thirty, forty, fifty or sixty. In two years we’ll see how I feel about seventy.

I got up early today birthday or no. It’s a Monday and for me as a writer a work day. I plugged away at the novel for a few hours then worked out. Post workout I showered, made a smoothie and as a birthday treat the missus made me a bagel with smoked salmon. Yummy.

Now I’m writing again, albeit not working on the novel but keeping my blog going. 

My blog: one of the best-kept secrets on the internet. But I love it just the same. Hey, you’re reading it! Aren’t you?

After posting this I’ll go back to the novel, then I’ll read the New York Times and do the crossword puzzle. After that I’ll do some reading then watch an episode of Breaking Bad. I’m re-watching this, my favorite all-time television drama, in preparation for the final season of Better Call Saul — another show I love. 

Breaking Bad is just as good the second time around. It’s been over eight years since I watched it so there’s a fair amount I don’t remember. Great re-discovering scenes. I also have a greater appreciation for the cast. Particularly Bryan Cranston, but also Aaron Paul. I also think the world of the show’s creator, Vince Gilligan.

Later oldest daughter will come by and we’ll order dinner. (Youngest daughter is in Brooklyn, so can't make it.) As the honored guest I’ll get to wait at home as the missus and child pick it up. Shame it’s still not safe to eat out. Next year.

We’ll also enjoy some gelato for desert. 

Promises to be a good day. So far it has been. Like all my birthdays. I’m a pretty lucky fella, come to think of it.

The Naked Truth and Bare Facts About Nudity

Naked. Nude. Bare. Unclothed. In the raw. In the altogether. Au naturel. Disrobed. In one’s birthday suit. In the buff. Starkers. Undressed. Stripped. Baring all. Nothing left to the imagination.

Titillating? Obscene? Erotic? Inappropriate? Natural? Beautiful? Ugly? Functional? Freeing?

It all depends on the context and the eyes of the beholder.

Society has long had a fascination with nudity.  

Would going to a nudist colony be fun, or would it be too much? After all, from a man’s perspective, it’s not as if there would be nothing but beautiful young women there.

Nude beaches are the same. A great idea but in reality not a place to pick someone up or to stare. Both the colony and the beach are places for people who genuinely enjoy freedom from clothing.

There was a news story yesterday about a woman in Florida (where else?) who went into a bar where she was refused service owing to her advanced state of intoxication. In response, she removed her clothing, every stitch. The police had to be called. The kicker was that the woman is a lawyer. 

Public nudity in most places at most times in most countries is a crime. 

I guarantee that a lot of men saw that story and immediately wondered how old the woman was and whether she was fetching. (Men are like that.) She was forty-nine and you’ll have to see for yourself if you’re interested in her appearance.

I grew up in a Finnish family that regularly took saunas together. When I got older it became segregated by gender. So I am not prudish about nudity. A lot of people are and don’t like to strip or shower in gyms. I never give it a thought.

I’m a great admirer of the feminine form. As a young teen I would sometimes get ahold of a Playboy magazine. The women in them seemed impossibly beautiful, like nothing one saw in real life. Twas the nudity (okay, and the air-brushing).

As an older teen I finally went on dates, kissed girls and indulged in sexual fantasies. Second to contemplating sex was contemplating seeing an object of desire naked. It seemed the ultimate experience. When I finally saw a naked girl it lived up to my expectations, particularly since the experience included actual real life sexual congress. 

Subsequently I saw nude women in a strip club. It was something I initially enjoyed but soon found depressing. After all, it was an act of commerce. This was not a young woman who I was alone in a bedroom with, but someone others were staring at the same time. That realization killed the thrill.

Even after having seen a nude female and losing one’s virginity, I continued to spend hours imagining other girls naked — not to mention what bedding them would be like. This is a practice common among most heterosexual men I know, whether they admit it or not.

My understanding is that women do not similarly obsess about naked men. As Elaine told Jerry in an episode of Seinfeld, men’s bodies are important for their functionality. I believe that was the same episode in which Jerry had a girlfriend who liked to be naked as often as possible. Jerry found this a bit much, recognizing as he did that there was both “good naked” and “bad naked.” 

Today photos and videos of naked people proliferate on the internet. In all shapes and sizes. Some are engaging in pornographic acts, while others are artfully posing. Imagine that, all the nudity you could want. My younger self would have salivated at the idea. But there’s something off-putting about the availability. It’s not enticing.

Better is nudity in films and TV shows. Even if you’re absorbed in the story one can’t help but notice that someone on the screen is exposing, breasts, buttocks or genitalia. It can be distracting. It can enhance the story. It can be erotic. When it’s a well-known star there’s that moment when you think: wow, I’m seeing Jane Superstar naked. But if the story is good you quickly re-focus. If you're enjoying the nudity too much it mustn't be a very good film.

There is also nudity in art, which is a good place for it when done tastefully. It’s hard to imagine Michelangelo’s David wearing a sweater vest. People who object to nude figures in art are beyond help.

There is also very bad nudity as when a person is being seen or photographed against their will. Slaves were usually stripped naked when sold. An unimaginable act of cruelty. Non-consensual nudity is just this side of rape.

Some of those naked pictures on the internet are of people who never intended for the photos to be seen. A lot of that is in what’s called revenge porn. Horrible people do that.

Then there’s skinny dipping, a practice I’ve indulged in. We used to go up to my in-laws place in rural Oregon every summer. They lived near a river where I would swim most every day. Occasionally I felt like doing so sans swimming trucks. I preferred it but was reticent because, though isolated, there was still the chance of a fisherman or hiker happening by. Once while naked I swam a ways down river towards a rock I liked to rest on. I was about to get on the rock when I noticed a young woman by the side of the river wearing a bikini laying on a towel. She was pretty. I was (and still am) a happily married man with two children but couldn’t deny feeling, if not exactly arousal, a tingling about the situation. Of course there was nothing for me to do but swim back upstream, battling the currents along the way. I was thereafter more circumspect about swimming nude.

It’s interesting and sometimes depressing to note how certain cultures (often as a consequence of the its dominant religion) have, throughout history, treated nudity as sinful and considered indigenous people, as savages if they are in the habit of walking around naked. As if the human body was something to be ashamed of! That is a far sicker attitude than enjoying seeing someone naked. 

Many European cultures are much less inhibited about nudity than the U.S. Nude beaches are more prevalent, nudity on regular TV channels is permitted and communal saunas and steam baths are not uncommon. American is far more puritanical -- to it's own detriment.

One of the great attractions of nudity is that the human body can be a joy to behold. Obviously this is particularly true as a prelude to intercourse. 

Feasting ones eyes on a naked body can be enjoyed for artistic purposes or as part of the sex act. I’m for both.

Smiles All Around, I See and Enjoy My First Gymnastics Meet

Photo by author

There were no fouls. No penalties. No offsides. No replay reviews. No taunting. No booing. No heckling. No collisions. No time outs. There was grace. There was athleticism. There was poise. There were cheers. There was joy.

It was a sports event but not the kind I’m used to. Yesterday I attended my first gymnastics meet: The University of California hosting the University of Arizona. 

Live and in person I’ve seen, football, soccer, basketball, baseball, ice hockey, tennis, boxing, rugby and track and field. I’ve enjoyed these sports to varying degrees, some of them, at times, I’ve positively loved and have provided me with some of my fondest memories. Some of also provided me with heartache and even caused -- if briefly -- anger.

Gymnastics was different. 

Competitors don’t compete face-to-face or even side-by-side. In basketball when you shoot the ball, someone is trying to prevent you from doing so or at least trying to (metaphorically) stuff  the ball back in your face. Football players do not run free, quarterbacks do not get a free pass to pass and receivers are not left to unattended to catch passes. Soccer players are forever being challenged for the ball and are not allowed to shoot unimpeded. These sports are the better for the constant struggle.

But gymnastics is better for the freedom of athletes to perform without interference. (You could have a very different version of gymnastics in which two competitors are on — for example — the parallel bars at the same time, or perhaps even more interesting simultaneously on the balance beam trying to knock their challenger off while they perform. Competitors on the floor exercise might be interesting too.) In a sense a gymnastics meet is an exhibition of the athletes’ talents. Whoever displays the greatest talent is the winner. That leads to another oddity — for someone like me — of gymnastics. Scoring is determined completely by judges. The official final score is not known until the meet is over. Weird.

It was nice to be at an athletic event in which everyone seemed so happy the entire time. There was no risk of one gymnast “getting in the face” of an opponent. There was no crying foul or scowling at officials or remonstrating against anyone. Every attempt at every event was celebrated by teammates with constant high fives and hugs. Each event concluded with an exhibition performance by both teams. Imagine that, athletes doing something that didn’t count towards the final score.

Photo by author

Coaches were little seen and never either barked at their players or the officials. No one yelled at anybody except to cheer them.

The crowd was appreciative and cheered everything and why wouldn’t they? All athletes were out there clearly doing there best.

It can’t go unnoticed that I attended a women’s meet and not a men’s. First of all I like women’s sports and am particularly fond of women’s basketball. I’ve coached both boys and girls and the latter is invariably a much more enjoyable group to work with. When I coached soccer at school we had to, at one point, disband the women’s team because there weren’t enough teams to play. So girls were allowed to go out for the boy’s team which perforce made it the co-ed team. Every season we averaged around five girls out of the eighteen players. They brought a much greater team spirit and sense of fun while being just as fiercely competitive. 

Anyway my decision to see women’s gymnastics instead of men’s may betray some latent homophobia or objectification of women but I think it more a case of the beauty of the sport — for me — being enhanced by watching women do it. It's merely a personal preference though I wouldn't discount the possibility that I'll some day take in a men's meet. 

I was impressed with the entire atmosphere at the meet. The fans were highly appreciative and enthusiastic. They came in all ages too, though I believe a preponderance were Cal students. 

My favorite event was the bars. The leaps from one bar to another amazed me, as did the twisting, turning dismounts. But I enjoyed all the events and couldn’t help but think of the many hours of practice it would take to be merely mediocre at any of them. The Cal team — ranked among the top ten in the nation — are well past mediocre.

I had a wonderful time and plan to attend the team’s final home meet of the season. 

Smiles all around.

Watch Your Language: Eleven Words and Phrases To Keep Out of Your Writing

I have a list of words — suggested by Benjamin Dreyer in his indispensable book, Dreyer’s English an Utterly Correct Guide to Clarity and Style — that I try to keep out of my novel and other writings. After finishing a draft of a chapter, I do a search for those words. In most cases when I find them they are summarily excised. There are exceptions, usually when they are part of dialogue; although even then I often find that they can be deleted and the writing is all the better for it.

Let’s have a look at them.

Very. Many words simply don’t need to be modified by “very” such as beautiful. Leave it at beautiful and if that’s not sufficient try another adjective like gorgeous or stunning. People are described as being “very happy” to see someone who is “very nice.” Can’t they be happy to see someone who is nice? Won’t that do? What’s the difference between frustrating and very frustrating? Or very common and common? I admit that sometimes "very tired" is preferable to tired, but then again wouldn’t exhausted be better? "Very funny" might be okay but couldn’t hilarious do the trick? Too many verys.

Really. The same deal here. "Really tired." "Really sad." "Really funny." I think really is an even weaker word than very. Then there’s “I think he’s a great singer, I really do.” We believed you the first time, the “I really do” didn’t emphasis your point at all, it was excessive. It "really" was.

Rather. I do not refer to rather as in, “instead of going to the movie would you rather stay home?” That’s perfectly fine. What’s objectionable is: “it’s a rather nice apartment.” Hunh? Something being "rather good" or "rather warm" is even weaker than really. Horrible word. 

Quite. This is a tricky one because it often works well in dialogue, especially with a British or pretentious character (and certainly with a pretentious Brit). “I’m quite sure,” “it was quite amusing” can be “quite all right” in dialogue but that’s the extent of it, otherwise keep it out.

In fact. Terribly overused and yet often unnoticed. There are cases for it, again mostly in dialogue, but it is, “in fact,” usually superfluous. It’s generally used to emphasize a point as in: “I was going to call you, in fact, I’d just reached for the phone.” Acceptable. However something like this is not: “she’s a great artist, in fact she’s the best in the school.” How about: “she’s the best artist in the school.” Saved seven words and said the same thing. 

Just. When used as in “it’s a just cause” it’s fine. Also sparingly used as in “we just finished eating,” in which case you are emphasizing how recently you finished. But never in such all too common misuses as “I just want to talk to her.” Or, “I’m just going to get lunch” or “I’m just going to leave this here.” Take out the “just” in those sentences and they're no different, save being a word shorter.

Some. Here’s one I’ve seen a lot of as a teacher. “After work we drank some beers.” You drank beer. “I’m going to hang out with some friends.” I’m going to hang out with friends. There are “some” cases when you can use the word as this sentence indicates — but be careful. “Do you want some of this soup” is, for example, okay though not great. Again, in dialogue it has its place. Some of the time.

Of course. Twice already while writing this I started to add, of course. Both times I stopped myself and the sentences were better without it. Here’s an example of its overuse: “of course, many people do not follow basic grammar rules.” No need for the “of course.” “Of course, I hope you have a good time.” Not needed. “Of course, we’ll be ready by the deadline.” Again, not needed. It is sometimes okay on its own such as in answering the question: “are you coming to the party?” “Of course!” But overall it is best left out of writing.

Actually. Horrible word. I was recently directed from the doctor’s waiting room to the little room where I was to be treated. The nurse said, “actually, we’re going to be in this room.” Why the “actually”? I could say, as many would, “I actually don’t know” but saying “I don’t know” does the job just as well. “Actually” is occasionally okay in dialogue to wit: “Bob actually said he would never come back.” In the case you are emphasizing that these were the exact words used. But mostly it is a word to be reviled. I'm "actually" quite tired of it. No, I'm tired of it.

So. I refer here to the use of the word “so” as a modifier as in “I’m so tired.” So tired that what? “I’m so hungry.” You’re so hungry that what? Yes, I’m sick of this word (note I didn’t say “so sick” as many would be tempted to do.) There’s also “so” in dialogue as a pause at the start of a sentence: “so, what do you want to do tonight?” Yuck! If needed for authenticity in dialogue then maybe….

Bad English: So, I actually hoped that helped. In fact, I rather think it might be very useful. These were just some suggestions, of course. While I’m quite pleased with this, it was inspired by that really good book by Dreyer earlier mentioned. 

Good English: I hope that helped. I think these suggestions might be useful. While I’m pleased with this, it was inspired by the excellent Dreyer book earlier mentioned.

(Note that the Good English had fifteen fewer words than the Bad English.)

No News is Good News a lot of News is Generally Bad, The Return of Headlines

Ana de Armas has a new film coming to Hulu

In the summer of 2020 I started printing headlines from various news sources and writing comments about them that were either pithy, snarky, wise or brilliantly on point (or a combination thereof). The response was so overwhelming (thank you, Humphrey Puddleduck of  Sturgeon Bay, Wisconsin) that I made this is a monthly feature -- to enthusiastic acclaim. However I didn't get around to either December or January editions of this critically-acclaimed feature. The letters, texts, emails, telegrams and smoke signals came pouring in as a result. But heedless of your requests, we are resuming this beloved (reviled?) feature. Enjoy the February 2022 edition -- like it or not.

From CNN:

Americans less likely to have sex, partner up and get married than ever

Partner Up? Really, CNN? This is NOT acceptable. Another abuse of the word "up" in a phrasal verb. It joins "coach up" "link up" and "meet up" as linguistically blasphemous. I've railed about "partner up" before, indeed, quite recently, but to see it in the title to a story on a "respected" news source's website is too much. Enough with the "up." It makes me want to "throw up."

A billionaire CEO is on track to go further into space than any human in 50 years

If billionaires have enough money to joy ride into space than they have too much money and we need to start taxing these motherfuckers at a much higher rate. And for the love of god, let's start eliminating the jillions of loopholes in the tax code that these greedy bastards benefit from.

Florida's 'don't say gay' bill is cruel and dangerous

That's for sure. Ya know you get used to the idea of forward progress, situations that have started to improve continuing to improve, then some bullshit like this comes along. From the article I give you this quote: "As leaders in two LGBTQ organizations, we've been astonished to witness the progress we have made over the last decade. But it's also clear that our community's increased visibility has led to a backlash. There are currently more than 100 anti-LGBTQ bills -- the majority of which target transgender and nonbinary youth -- moving through state legislatures across the country." Fucking Florida.

'We're not asking for magical things': Anti-gun violence groups launch campaign to pressure Biden four years after Parkland

Sad to say that if we couldn't get any gun control legislation passed in the wake of Sandy Hook in which two dozen small children were murdered then it ain't happening. I hope I'm proved wrong some day.

From the New York Times:

Pedestrian Deaths Spike in U.S. as Reckless Driving Surges

Oh look everyone! More bad news. A pandemic, possible war in Ukraine, anti-voting legislation not enough for you? Not enough of a resurgence of book banning, racism and homophobia? Fine then, we'll throw in an increase in reckless drivers killing pedestrians. When it rains....

How Bad Is the Western Drought? Worst in 12 Centuries, Study Finds

Still not enough bad news for you? For those of us in the western United States we've got a drought of biblical proportions. We've had less than a half an inch of rain in the past six weeks and a quick check of the calendar indicates that this is Winter. When it doesn't rain it doesn't pour....

Wanda Sykes, Amy Schumer and Regina Hall to Host the Oscars

I'm sure there'll be fine but why they haven't asked Steve Martin to do it every year is a mystery to me. Given that I no longer watch the Oscars I don't really understand why I care.

Pastor Resigns After Incorrectly Performing Thousands of Baptisms

Excuse me, but it's a meaningless ceremony so being one word off doesn't mean diddly shit. But you do you, Catholics.

From the BBC:

Mexico violence: Gunmen attack wake, then target funeral

Monsters. They killed nine people who were mourning. The depths society has reached is immeasurable. 

Bionic eye tech aims to help blind people see

It's still in early stages but early results are promising. In other words what we have here is that great rarity: good news.

Why people still believe in the 'soulmate myth'

Ahem. I'm enjoying Valentine's Day with a woman who is my wife, soulmate and love of my life. Over forty-three years since we met and I knew within a week that she was "the one." It's no myth, you lousy cynics. 

From the Washington Post:

Judge to dismiss Sarah Palin’s libel case against New York Times

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Go back to being irrelevant, Sarah.

The 5 best Super Bowl commercials

They're fucking commercials. Why the hell do we celebrate them? Talk about skewed priorities. You'll have to excuse my hatred of commercials but it's real and deep. I'm ever so thankful for the DVR function that allows one to record and fast forward through commercials. I got around the commercials during the Super Bowl as I always do, by not watching the game. Works every time.

Cook Islands confirms first coronavirus case — two years into pandemic

Geez Cook Islands, try keeping up, willya? 

From Vanity Fair:

‘Deep Water’ Teaser Trailer: Ben Affleck, Ana de Armas’ Erotic Thriller Debuts on Hulu in March

I hope it's good. At least it gave me an excuse to use a photo of Miss de Armas in this post.

Dancing With Janis Joplin

The following story is execrated from my forthcoming novel, Blood of Love.

I arrived late to Steven’s party having wanted to catch up on my studies first. When Izzy opened the front door I immediately recognized that there was something different about the house. I noted a cluster of people in one place, not all that unusual, but it seemed as though everyone’s attention was directed towards that cluster as if within that group of people something important or fascinating was happening. Izzy was smiling enigmatically at me but I didn’t think to ask her what was going on.

Then I heard a voice emerge from within that cluster that sounded familiar but also seemed out of place at Steven’s. I noted that the focus of the cluster seemed to be on one person, a woman. It was her distinctive voice that I'd heard. I got a look at her through the tangle of bodies between us, but couldn’t make out exactly what she looked like.

Izzy was still smiling at me and I finally asked her, “who’s the woman getting all the attention, she sounds vaguely familiar.”

"A personal favorite of yours."

"I give up, who is it?"

“Janis Joplin.”

To accent Izzy’s revelation and my consequent surprise, the woman laughed loudly. 

“My God it is her. What’s she doing here?”

“Jason invited her through a mutual acquaintance. When she got here she said to Steven, ‘I hear you have kick-ass parties.’”

“My God, I love her music. I’m totally starstruck. Can I meet her?”

“It’s a free country but it may take awhile, she’s drawing a lot of attention.”

"I've never met anyone famous before."

Knowing I’d need the fortification of a drink if I was to say anything intelligible to Janis fucking Joplin, I went to the kitchen and poured myself a tall glass of whiskey which I proceeded to down in three quick gulps. I poured myself another and made my way in the great singer’s direction.

I got to within a few feet of her and gawked as best I could, peering over shoulders. Janis was in the middle of telling a story that seemed to be about some backstage shenanigans at a recent concert. When she finished everyone laughed heartily, especially Janis. She then asked someone to get her another glass of Jack Daniels, adding, “why not bring a whole fucking bottle?”

Eventually a few people peeled away and I moved to within a few feet of my idol giving me an unobstructed view. She was not an especially attractive woman but at the same time positively exuded sexuality. Her voice was raspy yet had a certain indefinable quality that added to her sensuousness. Janis was wearing a plain short skirt below a flowery blouse. She had what appeared to be half a scarf wrapped in her long, scraggly hair. 

I'd been within perhaps thirty feet of her at a concert but was now within three feet. She was utterly beguiling.

Suddenly Steven appeared in the middle of the circle as if man on a mission. He cleared his throat theatrically while gently taking my arm. He bowed to the great singer.

“Janis, I take great pride in introducing you to a man of many great qualities -- too many to here enumerate -- who also happens to be among your legions of devotees. This is my dear friend David.”

“Hi, David.”

I was momentarily stunned silent but quickly recovered.

“It’s great meeting you, you're my favorite singer, I’ve seen you in concert three times.”

“Far out. Did you get up and dance?”

“It’s impossible not to dance when at one of your concerts.”

“That’s really groovy, man, you seem like a cool dude.” 

I wished it were somehow possible to take her words out of the air and hang them on a wall for permanent display. Janis Joplin had said I seemed like "a cool dude." No words, no honor, no award, had ever meant as much.

I had to keep the conversation going.

“Your shows are magic.”

“Thank, man. So, what are you into?”

This was too much: she was asking about me!

“I’m a student here at Cal and I’m heavily involved in the peace movement. That and music like yours and parties like this one.”

“Far out.”

Janis then turned her attention to someone who asked her a question about the Monterey Pop Festival. 

I continued to stand in awe. It was as if there was a glow emanating from Janis. She had a presence that I was unused to seeing in people, as if energy flowed around her. The one other person I knew of with a similar quality was standing next to her, Steven.

I felt a strange and wonderful euphoria, despite barely having a buzz from the whiskey. 

Eventually I grew self-conscious about standing beside Janis and staring so went about the usual business of mingling. As I talked to other people I found myself continually looking over in her direction. I desperately wanted to spend more time talking to her but was determined not to make a fool of myself so kept my distance.

An hour later I was sitting on the sofa chatting with Izzy when Janis plunked herself down next to me.

“I’ve been fucking standing for hours, I need to sit,” she said to the room. Then to me, “it’s David, right?” 

Janis Joplin remembered my name!

We talked and having already broken the ice and with whiskey coursing through my veins it now felt perfectly natural. Janis and I discovered we had a mutual fondness for Jack Kerouac and talked about his books then other authors. I asked her questions about her music and touring but she seemed more interested in discussing what she called “normal shit like books and food and sex.” We never got around to talking about sex, but sitting next to Janis it was certainly on my mind.

We'd gotten on the topic of other singers when Steven turned up the music and announced: "it pleases me to invite one and all to dance, anyone who does not avail themselves of this opportunity shall be forever shunned."

"Sounds like an order to me. Let's go, David."

I danced with Janis Joplin!

It was wonderfully surreal as if an LSD-induced hallucination had been actualized. We danced to two songs before she took someone else by the arm and I in turn danced with Emily Legly, a frequent guest at Steven's bashes. 

"What was it like to dance with Janis Joplin?" Emily asked me.

"Unreal but wonderful. But, say, I like dancing with you too."

"Thanks, but I doubt it's the same."

It wasn't.

 

A half hour later when Janis announced that she was leaving, it was as if the coach had turned back into a pumpkin. The magic was over. It would now be merely a party where before it had been a special event.

I walked with her and her two friends to the door. Before leaving she hugged me good night. It lasted two seconds. Two glorious seconds that left me tingling.

“David, you appear to be in a state of grace,” Steven said to me immediately after. “I would put your exact location as somewhere between clouds eight and ten.”

“I’ll never forget this night or that hug.”

“I don’t see what all the fuss is about as celebrity means nothing to me but I rejoice in your happiness.”

At home I could not sleep so composed a letter to Cordelia knowing that she, as as big a fan of Janis as I, would be happy for me, though perhaps a bit jealous. I’d thought to get Janis’s autograph and inserted with the letter. 

I finally fell asleep and dreamed, of course, of Janis Joplin.