If I Could Hire Professionals From the Casts of Films...

Imagine a world in which you could hire people from right up there on the big screen -- or the little one if you're watching on TV. Characters you've come to know and perhaps love can act as your servants or professionals. Sounds great to me too. True, they may not all be as skilled as those who currently get their mitts on our hard-earned dough, but they'd probably be more entertaining.

I made my personal choices based not only on professional acumen, but on stellar performances in excellent films.

Psychiatrist Dr. Constance Peterson as portrayed by Ingrid Bergman in Spellbound (1945). You see the attention she gave to just one patient (Gregory Peck)? That's for me. Dr. Peterson adds the...uh, "personal touch" to her work.

Dentist Dr. Christian Szell as portrayed by Laurence Olivier in Marathon Man (1976). Okay so his methods are a little unorthodox particularly with the inconsistent application of pain killers and he's got a somewhat shady past. He's clearly experienced and most meticulous.

Lawyer J. Cheever Loophole as portrayed by Groucho Marx in At the Circus (1939). If I ever get in a jam who better than someone like Loophole who can talk circles around anyone? He's also got at his disposal an Italian chap and a silent curly-headed friend that form a crack support team. They may not clear me legally but we'll have a lot of yucks.

Nurse Lola Hart as portrayed by Barbara Stanwyck in Night Nurse (1931). C'mon do I even need to explain this one? Hubba hubba. Besides, she's one tough cookie even willing to stand up to Clark Gable as a bad guy.

Private detective Philip Marlowe as portrayed by Humphrey Bogart in The Big Sleep (1946). Most important he's a damn good detective, but he also comes equipped with a great sense of humor ("she tried to sit in my lap while I was standing up").


Banker George Bailey as portrayed by James Stewart in It's A Wonderful Life (1946). No way I'm taking my money to Old Man Potter -- the fink! George Bailey is my kind of banker, warm blooded.

Insurance investigator Vicki Anderson as portrayed by Faye Dunaway in The Thomas Crown Affair (1968). If nothing else she could teach me to play chess.

Doctor Josiah "Doc" Boone as portrayed by Thomas Mitchell in Stagecoach (1939). Yes he's got a drinking problem but in clutch situations he came through with flying colors. And he posses a grand sense of humor and plenty of wisdom. Plus I could always steer him towards an AA meeting.

Press Agent Sidney Falco as portrayed by Tony Curtis in the Sweet Smell of Success (1957). You may be aware of the fact that my name rarely finds its way into the newspapers. Problem solved if I hire Falco. He's wonderfully ruthless. Plus I understand he's buddy buddy with the columnist J.J. Hunsecker.

Chef Sabrina Fairchild as portrayed by Audrey Hepburn in Sabrina (1954). She trained at a very highly regarded cooking school in Paris so she must be good. If not, well she's still as cute as a button.

Spiritual Advisor Tomas Ericcson as portrayed by Gunnar Bjornstrand in Winter Light (1963). He'd be perfect for me. We've got the same sort of doubts, frustrations and angst. So who better to be a sounding board? We'd probably depress the hell out of each other but at least he wouldn't be trying to sell me a bill of goods.

Paid "companion" Gloria Wandrous as portrayed by Elizabeth Taylor in BUtterfield 8 (1960). As my darling wife will attest I do not require nor have I ever called upon the services of a, shall we say, professional date. I'm just saying that if in the extremely unlikely event that I did, the curvaceous Ms. Wandrous would do rather nicely.

Bicycle Messenger Antonio Ricci as portrayed by Lamberto Maggiorani in Bicycle Thieves (1948). I know his work is in the field of putting up posters but I can't imagine that this would be a stretch. So long as he can hold on to the bike I think he'd be fine. I'd buy him a lock.

Butler Godfrey as portrayed by William Powell in My Man Godfrey (1936). Here's why he'd be so good: in a pinch, he could always stake me to a loan. Remember, the guy's filthy at the beginning of the film, but then we find out he's filthy rich!