Film Quotes Returns!

Paul Newman in The Verdict

Last Spring I revived the film quotes feature on this blog after seven years of dormancy. Since then I've compiled lists of quotes from foreign films, movies from the 1970s, Marx Brothers movies, Preston Sturges films and  my all-time favorites. In days of yore I had a list strictly from Woody Allen movies, and one with quotes strictly from female characters. Today I present another generic list with quotes from all genre of American films from the 1930s through last year. Enjoy!

Damn right I'm done. I'm going to ask for a mistrial. I'm going to request that you disqualify yourself from sitting on this case. I'm going to take a transcript to the State and ask that they impeach your ass! — Paul Newman as Frank Galvin in The Verdict (1983) Lumet.

I'm a connoisseur of roads. I've been tasting roads my whole life. This road will never end. It probably goes all around the world. — River Phoenix as Mike in My Own Private Idaho (1991) Van Sant.

It's no use, Schulz, you might as well come clean. Why don't you just tell them it's me, because I'm really the illegitimate son of Hitler, and after the Germans win the war, you're going to make me the Gauleiter of Zinzinnati! — William Holden as Sefton in Stalag 17 (1953) Wilder.

I didn't want to be born. You didn't want me to be born. It's been a calamity on both sides. — Bette Davis as Charlotte Vale in Now Voyager (1942) Rapper.

Here, taste my tuna casserole and tell if I put in too much hot fudge. — Woody Allen as Larry Lipton in Manhattan Murder Mystery (1993) Allen.

Frances McDormand in Nomadland

We be the bitches of the badlands. — Frances McDormand as Fern in Nomadland (2020) Zhao.

Carriages waited at the curb for the entire performance. It was widely known in New York, but never acknowledged, that Americans want to get away from amusement even more quickly than they want to get to it. — Joanne Woodward as the narrator in The Age of Innocence (1993) Scorsese.

I feel sorry for you. What it must feel like to want to pull the switch! Ever since you walked into this room, you've been acting like a self-appointed public avenger. You want to see this boy die because you personally want it, not because of the facts! You're a sadist! — Henry Fonda as Juror #8 in 12 Angry Men (1957) Lumet.

This country is run on epidemics, where you been? Price fixing, crooked TV shows, inflated expense accounts. How many honest men you know? Why you separate the saints from the sinners, you're lucky to wind up with Abraham Lincoln. Now I want out of this spread what I put into it, and I say let us dip our bread into some of that gravy while it is still hot. — Paul Newman as Hud Bannon in Hud (1963) Ritt.

Now you listen to me. If we lose this place, then you're goin' back to beggin' for every single meal. Mr. Will, They're gonna put you in a state home. And I'm gonna lose what's left of my family. I'm not gonna let that happen. I don't care what it takes. I don't care if it kills me. I don't care if it kills you. I'm not gonna give up. And if the two of you do, you can go straight to Hell! — Sally Field as Edna Spalding in Places in the Heart (1984) Benton.

Micro changes in air density, my ass. -- Sigourney Weaver as Ripley in Alien (1979) Scott.

Gene Hackman in The Royal Tenenbaums

I'm very sorry for your loss. Your mother was a terribly attractive woman. -- Gene Hackman as Royal Tenenbaum in The Royal Tenenbaums (2001) W. Anderson.

Ever since you moved in here you've been causin' me grief. Nobody wants to hang around you. You don't drink, you don't smoke. You don't do anything you're supposed to do! -- Shelly Duval as Millie in Three Women (1977) Altman.

It's for sure a white man's world in America. Look here: I raised that boy since he was the size of a piss-ant. And I'll say right now, he never learned to read and write. No, sir. Had no brains at all. Was stuffed with rice pudding between th' ears. Shortchanged by the Lord, and dumb as a jackass. Look at him now! Yes, sir, all you've gotta be is white in America, to get whatever you want. Gobbledy-gook! — Ruth Attaway as Louise in Being There (1979) Ashby.

Aww, what's the matter? You afraid I'll tell Jim Morrison you were dancing to Paul Revere & The Raiders? Are they not cool enough for you? — Margot Robbie as Sharon Tate in Once Upon a Time in Hollywood (2019) Tarantino.

My life is like a maze that I continually think I've gotten out of only to find another corner right in front of me. — Emma Stone as Abigail in The Favorite (2018) Lanthimos.

Oh, and you're ten times worse than he is. At least he had some excuse for kicking me around. He was in love with another woman. But you double-crossed me for the sake of a newspaper. Well, marry the paper and be the proud father of a lot of headlines. — Jean Harlow as Gladys in Libeled Lady (1936) Conway.

Cut it out! Cut it out! Cut it out! The hell's the matter with you? Stupid! We're all very different people. We're not Watusi. We're not Spartans. We're Americans, with a capital 'A', huh? You know what that means? Do ya? That means that our forefathers were kicked out of every decent country in the world. We are the wretched refuse. We're the underdog. — Bill Murray as John Winger in Stripes (1981) I. Reitman.

Zero Mostel in The Producers

How could this happen? I was so careful. I picked the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did I go right? -- Zero Mostel as Max Bialystok in The Producers (1967) Brooks.

I've heard a lot about you, too, Doc. You left your mark around in Deadwood, Denver and places. In fact, a man could almost follow your trail goin' from graveyard to graveyard. — Henry Fonda as Wyatt Earp in My Darling Clementine (1946) Ford.

You go back and tell that fake Svengali I wouldn't wipe my feet on him if he were starving, and I hope he is.— Carole Lombard as Lily Garland in Twentieth Century (1934) Hawks.

You're my father again now, are you? And what were you when you encouraged me to throw my life away? Silly schoolgirls are always getting seduced by glamorous older men. — Carey Mulligan as Jenny in An Education (2009) Scherfig.

Yes, I'm an author of a young adult series. It's disturbingly popular. I like your decor. Is it, shabby chic? —Charlize Theron as Mavis Gray in Young Adult (2011) J. Reitman.

Now listen to me you benighted muckers. We're going to teach you soldiering. The world's noblest profession. When we're done with you, you'll be able to slaughter your enemies like civilized men. — Michael Caine as Daniel Dravot in The Man Who Would Be King (1975) Huston.

Then why did God plague us with the capacity to think? Mr. Brady, why do you deny the one faculty of man that raises him above the other creatures of the earth, the power of his brain to reason? What other merit have we? The elephant is larger, the horse is swifter and stronger, the butterfly is far more beautiful, the mosquito is more prolific. Even the simple sponge is more durable. But does a sponge think? — Spencer Tracy as Henry Drummond in Inherit the Wind (1960) Kramer.

Let me explain something to you. Um, I am not Mr. Lebowski. You're Mr. Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. You know, that or, uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing. — Jeff Bridges as The Dude in The Big Lebowski (1998) Coens.

Lots Here: Silly Streaming, Act Fast! The Dangers of Telegrams, Please Reply, Nix on the Trespassing, Brit vs. Yank Lingo

Occasionally I pop over to Hulu to watch one of their offerings. First I get the main page which simply has their  name on it. Then I select myself, as opposed to a family member as we all share in the account. Then I get a message asking me to wait “while we gather what’s new.” Huh? Did I catch them by surprise? Were they totally unaware I might pop in on them? They had to hastily get dressed and then go around gathering the new shows and movies they’ve added since my last visit? And I have to cool my heels in the lobby while they do so? I could save them the trouble. I’m rarely interested in “what’s new” and if I am it’s cool if they don’t have it “gathered” for me. If it’s up next time, that’ll be fine. Also, how exactly do they go about “gathering” the new shows? Are they strewn about like wildflowers? Makes no sense to me. Speaking of streaming services, good ole Netflix sent me one of their emails this morning informing me that they had a list of what people in my area are watching. Like I give a fuck. What do they think? I’m going to note that people in my area are watching “Bosco and the Giant Lemmings in the Mystery of the Missing Clavicle Bone” and think, shit if everyone else is watching this IN MY AREA, then I’ve got to check it out. It’s like they’re always telling you “what’s trending.” I don’t want to be left out, I wanna watch what everyone else is into because I don’t have a mind of my own. Even the revered and sophisticated Criterion Channel is now informing viewers what’s “popular now.” Come on Criterion, you’re better than that. Criterion, like a lot of bookstores, has “staff picks.” I’m okay with this. If you work at a bookstore you’re presumably well-read which means your opinions on books at least carry a little bit of weight. Similarly if Criterion employs you, you’re likely a cinephile. If not, lemme know, I am a cinephile and wouldn’t mind a gig there. I just took a look at Netflix’s main page and it raises some questions. In addition to “trending now” there’s “Top Ten in the U.S. Today” and “Popular on Netflix.” Excuse me, but wouldn’t these all be the same fucking thing? 

I regularly receive emails from The New Yorker magazine informing me that I can order x number of months for fifty per cent off. But there’s a catch. I have to act fast!!! The offer expires in x days. I subsequently receive countdowns about this sale right up until it ends. Oh well, I blew it. Didn’t take advantage of this incredible offer. But then….a week or two later there’s a similar offer and when that expires, if I’m patient, there’ll be another and another. I singled out The New Yorker (a very good magazine, by the by) but other publications do the same thing. In actual fact I wish them well, we need a free and vibrant press and especially news outlets and magazines that skew towards the truth. There’s enough slanted news out there these days. But don’t think I’m taken in by these soon-to-expire once-in-a-millennium offers.

Recently I started reading a book called Lincoln on the Verge (it is justifiably called a page-turner as one has to turn the pages to read it — books can be like that). It’s principally about Lincoln’s journey as president-elect from Springfield to Washington D.C. before his inauguration. It was fraught with peril as many, many people preferred the Great Rail Splitter dead. Anyhoo, much is made early in the book about the recent influence on national affairs of the telegraph. Along with the wonderment and joy of being able to spread news and share messages in record time, there were serious concerns about the nature of some of the messages and let us say “fake” news that was being disseminated. Thus this is not the only age in which false narratives and outright lies have been spread by a new form of communication. The more things change….

I should henceforth end emails as follows: “the favor of your reply is requested.” 

Cause, cousin, I ain’t been favored with replies to most emails I’ve sent recently. The vast majority of these have been regarding my book, usually to someone representing an organization. I’d prefer someone write: “buzz off, not interested,” then nothing at all. It’s downright rude to leave a person hanging. It doesn’t take but a few second to reply, “no thanks,” and hit send. Oh I know, people are just so “busy.” No one is that goddamned busy that they can’t send a quick reply. It’s not like I’m being rude or pushy. Usually I’m merely making them aware of the book, offering a quick synopsis and asking if they’d like me to send them a copy. If they like it they can in turn recommend it to their brethren. I don’t expect everyone to come begging for the book. I imagine I’m barking up a lot of wrong trees. But if I am, tell me. Nobody likes the silent treatment.

I don’t understand “no trespassing” signs. For one thing, how do they work? Do potential trespassers see them and say, “shoot, better not trespass here, they don’t allow it.” And what about us non-trespassers? If there’s no such sign on someone’s property, do some among us figure, “no sign here, guess I’m free to trespass.” In a few rural areas I’ve seen signs that read, “absolutely no trespassing.” This seems to suggest that at other places there’s some wiggle room about trespassing but not on the “absolutely no” properties. In any event, I think I’ll continue my decades long policy of not trespassing (self-imposed since the end of my drinking days. You don’t wanna know).

You’ve doubtless noticed the differences in British and American English. Car boot or trunk of car. Elevator or lift. Chips or fries. Some of it is spelling and while I have no trouble with the British spelling, sometimes the differences are silly. Why the u, for example, in humour? Why the s at the end of math? But the worst is how they spell tons. Tonnes. Come on! Two ns and a superfluous e. That’s going too far.But among the many things I prefer about British methods, practices and modes, is their sports coverage. I watch a lot of English football (soccer, to you Yanks) and the difference between English sports announcers and commentators is as a very bright day versus a very dark night. There is so much more sophistication and erudition on the other side of the pond. There is none of the “gee whiz ain’t we stupid” false modesty and hominess that aw shucks, Americans foist on us. 

While Americans will say: “they’re trying to tie this sucker up.” The English might utter, “they’re looking to get back on level terms.” More examples:

American: it was two-to-one Chicago when these two teams met here last season.

English: Arsenal scored the odd goal in three in last season’s corresponding fixture.

American: Johnson has been on fire recently.

English: Johnson has been very much the man in form.

American: The crowd is going crazy.

English: Boisterous scenes here at the Emirates.

American: They sure screwed up on that one.

English: A shocking defensive lapse.

It's Time Again for that Beloved Feature, I Look at the Day's Headlines

Olivio Rodrigo's album debuted at number one

Last Summer I started printing headlines from various news sources and writing comments about them that were either pithy, snarky, wise or brilliantly on point (or a combination thereof). The response was so overwhelming (thank you, Brutus Lancelot of Midnight, Mississippi) that I have made this is a regular feature -- to enthusiastic acclaim. Here then is the latest edition of this critically-acclaimed monthly feature.

From the New York Times:

Disputing Racism’s Reach, Republicans Rattle American Schools

Yes, those unrepentant bigots on the right want to pretend that slavery wasn't so bad, that Jim Crow was an okay guy, if you got to know him and that institutional racism is a liberal fantasy. In other words they want to re-write history to make white people seem pretty okay after all. When I was a wee lad history classes glossed over such unpleasantries such as slavery, the genocide of Native Americans and the mistreatment and exploitation of immigrants -- particularly those of color. In my later high school years and then in college and through my own reading I began to get a fuller picture of the land of the free and the home of the brave. A new correct version of American history is being taught in schools and to borrow from a popular film, Republicans can't handle the truth. The right is doing a lot (see voter suppression laws) to sadden and anger intelligent people these days and this is one of their worst moves.

Biden Suspends Drilling Leases in Arctic National Wildlife Refuge

Good. Reversing some of the heinous acts of the Trumpy years is one of the most important things Biden can do. The previous administration's disregard for wildlife and our natural beauty in favor of moneyed interests is one legacy that cannot be allowed to last. You go, Joe!

Biden Assigns Harris Another Difficult Role: Protecting Voting Rights

It may be difficult but it is absolutely essential and the Veep very much needs to rise to the occasion. The right is serious about subverting democracy via voter suppression laws. It is obvious to any simpleton that conservatives do not speak for the majority of Americans, they do not have a message that resonates so the only way they can win elections is by limiting who votes. It is also glaringly obvious that they are trying to limit African American votes because, of course, they're racists.

From the BBC:

Florida bans transgender athletes from female sports

Because in addition to being racists, the modern conservative is homophobic. They're all about straight, white people (no Jews, please) having all the power and all the access. Seriously, fuck those people.

Xi Jinping calls for more 'loveable' image for China in bid to make friends

This would be rib-ticklingly funny were it not for the horrible record of human right's abuses perpetrated by the Chinese government. This is a country that inhibits freedom of religion, has no tolerance for its LGBTQ community, does not tolerate dissent either in the press or via assemblage. They want to seem soft and cuddly? Try acting it.

Fears of environmental disaster as oil-laden ship sinks off Sri Lanka

Oh for the love of God....

From CNN:

Pelosi floats Democrat-led probe into January 6 after GOP derails outside commission

By all means. Let's get something done here. Republicans are afraid of the truth, especially when it will doubtless reflect negatively on some of its members. Let's get to the bottom of the attempted coup and punish the guilty. We can let this happen again.

Anheuser-Busch to give away free alcohol if US hits Biden's goal of 70% of adults with at least one Covid vaccine shot by July 4

That should be incentive for a lot of the reluctant to get their vaccination. Apparently giving free donuts and lottery tickets to induce people to get their shots has worked. Whatever it takes. Let's get over the seventy per cent target by July 4th and really get into some normal.

A hiker died after falling 500 feet from a mountain summit in California's Sequoia National Park

A few stories below this was this headline: "A missing hiker has been found dead after an apparent fall near Telluride, Colorado." These are not uncommon types of stories. Recently three hikers fell to their deaths in Yosemite Park. Here's a thought: if you're going to hike in areas with high peaks, deep chasms and slippery waterfalls, BE CAREFUL. I mean a lot more careful than many folks are. People who are dying while hiking are not only losing their own life but they are leaving behind widows, fatherless children, bereaved parents, devastated friends and on and on. This may seem harsh, but that's a dumb goddamned way to die.

Olivia Rodrigo's 'Sour' debuts at the top of the chart

I don't anything about her or her music but by including this story I get to use the picture of a pretty girl in this post. (I hear she's a really nice person and a helluva talent.)

From the Washington Post:

To build a crowd for a pro-Trump rally, Nevada GOP consultant sought help from Proud Boys

Of course they did. And look at who you're in bed with here. The fucking Proud Boys, a bunch of brain dead bigots. What a sad state of affairs and doesn't it tell you something about your "cause" when you need help drumming up people to show up to your event, even one supporting a former president of the United States, if a disgraced one.

Republicans aren’t ‘looking forward.’ They’re stepping into a Jim Crow past.

No kidding. Since even before the days of Reagan they've longed for the good ole days of white picket fences, gays in the closet, blacks "in their place" and the levers of power controlled by old white men who bend over backwards to support big business. 

Arizona plans to execute prisoners with a lethal gas the Nazis used at Auschwitz

You cannot possibly make this stuff up. 

Lots of Cool Things in One Post Like, What's a Start-up? And Asking People What They Do For a Living and Sunglasses and Walt Whitman

Yours truly wearing new shades, mentioned below.

“He’s working for a start-up.”

“What is it starting up?”

“What do you mean?”

“You said it was a start-up, but not what it's starting up.”

“I don’t know, for sure. I think it’s a non-profit.”

“So he’s got a new job at a new place that isn’t making money.”

“Yup."

“Cool beans.”

I’ve heard this one before. Someone you know of got a new job at a start-up. You’re not told what the person does nor what kind of enterprise is. I find this weird. Supposedly it’s enough to know that it’s a new business.

When I was working at a newspaper in the seventies I was at a gathering at which someone I barely knew and hadn’t seen in awhile asked what I was doing. I said working at a newspaper. He asked, “what outfit?”  That’s the last time I heard the word “outfit” used to describe a place of work. It was odd even then because the person who said it was about my age. The only people still saying “outfit” back then were older people.

Before my time people used to ask, “what line are you in?” This referred to your line of work. Don’t hear it anymore. In movies from the thirties people use the word “racket” which presumably means that people in “real life” used the term back then as well. Usually — at least in films — racket referenced something illegal or shady. But not always.

Of course asking people what they “do for a living” is a common question upon meeting them for the first time. It’s a natural conversation starter. But not in all societies. Some cultures consider it rude to ask a veritable stranger what kind of work they do.

When you do find out what someone does it’s only natural to use that information to start coloring some things in about the individual. A lot of people have lower opinions of those in certain professions. Some people don’t like lawyers, or cops or United States senators. Also, some jobs are more intriguing than others. Meeting an accountant and meeting an actor are two very different things. You generally don’t have a lot of follow-up questions for an accountant. (Maybe if it’s near April, you’ll say, “busy time for you, I guess.”) But you’re bound to ask an actor if they’re in movies, TV or theater. Based on what they say you could have a million more questions. Or not. Depends on what they’ve been in and your level of interest in acting.

As a teacher I always get: “what do you teach?”  When I was teaching middle school I occasionally got questions as to my sanity or was offered sympathy or lauded for my bravery. Inasmuch as I’ve got two novels out I’m going to henceforth say that I’m a writer. I’ll be asked, “what do you write?” Or in some cases, not. I’ll watch as eyes glaze over when I go into great detail about my novels. Fun.

It’s always interesting to note that some people don’t ask follow-up questions. You could say that you’re an astronaut and in reply get, “nice.” Or you could tell someone you lead expeditions in search of rare flora and fauna in New Guinea and receive in response, “interesting.” 

When I was a newspaper reporter a few people — younger ones — actually asked if I got paid for writing. I could never figure that out. No one asks a carpenter if they get paid for building houses or shelves. 

Not to change the subject (which is precisely what I’m doing) but yesterday the missus and I went in search of a new pair sunglasses (for me) at a place called the Sunglass Hut. The store was small so calling it a hut is appropriate. Plus they carry sunglasses so that’s two-for-two. Upon entering we were introduced to the person who would be helping us “today.” I both find it strange and nice that we were immediately on a first name basis with Robert. (Something can be both strange and nice, I looked it up.) He laid down the ground rules for us and then let us free range around the store. He hovered, but not obtrusively. Robert was fastidious, friendly, polite and, like of sales people in your better clothing and accessories stores, gay. (How do I know? Come on!) I’m not going to get into a thing here about how gay men tend to make the best salespeople, they just do. And if someone wants to accuse me of homophobia or stereotyping…well, they say it’s a free country, so have at it. But I’m not going to waver on this one. Facts is facts. I can also say that a higher percentage of lesbians play sports than straight women and know I’m speaking the truth and in no way belittling my gay brothers and sisters. 

I found a suitable pair of aviator-style which the wife said make me look like Joe Biden. I guess I could have done worse. 

The better half then went into a clothing shop and I slipped into a bookstore and accidentally bought a book (happens to me all the time). Then we stopped to get a bite to eat. In truth there were a helluva lot of bites involved. We ate inside an establishment. Last week we dined out, but had our meal under the sun. It’s nice to start gradually getting out more and doing what are called “normal” or “pre-pandemic” activities. It’s also nice to walk outside without a mask on. I like it when things are nice. I prefer when things are fantastic or stupendous or absolutely super, but I’ll settle for things being nice. 

Upon returning home I watched a film. Gotta be true to you.

I will now conclude this blog post by wishing one and all a terrific Walt Whitman’s birthday. That is why today’s a holiday — isn’t it? Or is it because today is Aida Valli’s birthday? Both? Either way suits me.

P.S. If during the last paragraph you said, "who's Aida Valli?" see me after class. If you also asked "who's Walt Whitman?" we're sending you back to the third grade.

P.P.S. It's also Rainer Werner Fassbinder's birthday. Like the previous two, he's "no longer with us" (i.e. dead).

The Unfunny Business of Describing Funny Movies, Plus the Difficulty of Creating Great Comedies, Plus Ten Greats From Ten Different Decades

Andy left Jorma right with Jimmy Fallon doing the Donkey Roll

"We'd like to get to the point where Connor is everywhere, like oxygen or gravity or clinical depression." -- From Pop Star: Never Stop Never Stopping

Yesterday I watched Pop Star: Never Stop Never Stopping (2016) Taccone/Schaffer for the third time and immediately wanted to write about it. But then the conundrum: How the hell do you write about comedy? It is — pun intended — seriously difficult. 

For the sake of argument let’s say you consider Ingmar Bergman’s Cries and Whispers (1972) to be absolutely hilarious. What do you say? 

"I laughed a lot."

"It was really funny."

"I laughed so hard I cried."

"There were endless sight gags, screamingly funny prat falls, jokes aplenty, unparalleled satire."

"Side-splitting."

It equates to a "you had to be there" situation.

(By the way, Cries and Whispers, a film I revere, is certainly the least funny movie ever made.)

To convey how funny a movie is, you have to give examples. But there are many problems associated with this approach. First of all, how do you describe slapstick so that the humor comes across? You sound like a ten-year old. “There was this really funny part where they threw pies at each other.” 

You can repeat some of the one-liners but can you deliver them like Groucho Marx? Because if you can't (and you can’t, trust me) then they lose some of their zing — I mean, most of their zing. How do you describe the antics of Chaplin’s Little Tramp? For example the boxing scene in City Lights (1931) Chaplin. You can’t do it justice. Also a lot of humor is surprise. It’s funny because you weren’t expecting it. Which leads to another issue, if you discuss the funny bits in a movie you’re giving away a lot of humor that people should discover for themselves. To really describe a comedy you have to give a lot away. Nobody wants that.

Describing what makes you laugh is like describing an orgasm. Try that. Here, I’ll give it a go:

“Upon ejaculation I felt really good.” 

Doesn't capture the moment, does it?

How about “it was ecstasy.” 

Yeah, it probably was, but what’s that like? 

From Pop Star

You might as well try to explain to someone who has never had a strawberry what strawberries taste like. “They’re fruity!” Or: “they’re kind of like raspberries but different.” Do tell.

How do you describe the manner in which  Gold Rush, makes you laugh? “There’s a scene where Chaplin makes potatoes dance.” Yeah? And? 

See what I'm saying?

Again this was inspired by my third viewing of Pop Star. I laughed more than the previous two times I saw it, the mark of a great comedy. (I now feel obligated to tell you that the three stars and writers of the film, Andy Samberg, Jorma Taccone and Akiva Schaeffer, were all students of mine when I taught middle school. See this post from last Summer about hanging with Jorma in a park.) Great comedies aren't just funny the first time, they stay funny and can even get funnier. Not sure how that works -- but it does.

When I set out to write about Pop Star I was struck by how clever it is. It’s a brilliant satire on…well, a lot of things. The modern music industry, celebrity culture, consumerism and friendship. It is also at times very silly. Silly, when done right, can be hilarious. Silly, when not done right, can be an absolute bore.

You've got to be smart to get silly just right. Indeed if you pay attention you'll notice that virtually all great comedians and comedy writers are intelligent people. 

Something just occurred to me that I’m going to insert here. Humor is subjective. I suppose there are some people who don’t find Groucho Marx funny (I hope never to meet such an individual). I may shock some of you by stating that I’ve never found Laurel and Hardy particularly funny and to me W.C Fields is tedious. Most comedy films made in the last forty years leave me cold. (Does Adam Sandler appeal to anyone over fourteen?) So you can recommend a comedy film to someone and they may not dig it at all. Different strokes. Comedy that appeals to a broad audience is rare. That's what made Chaplin a genius.

(Here I diverge to the topic of how difficult comedy is to do, never mind write about.)

Comedy is hard to do in films. In a sit com you’re trying fill about twenty-two minutes with laughs, in a movie you’re looking for ninety minutes worth of chuckles. Plus with a sitcom you’ve already established characters, setting and common scenarios. Making a succession of comedy films that are all funny is nigh on impossible. Look at some of the masters. Chaplin did it for a long time with one and two reelers that lasted from a quarter to a half an hour. When he did features he was taking several years to make them. He had a nearly perfect record but wasn't cranking out one a year. The Marx Brothers made six great comedies right out of the gate but after that the laughs were fewer and farther between. Woody Allen has probably made as many or more great comedies as anyone over fifty years but he’s mixed in some serious films as well. 

Chaplin and potatoes in Gold Rush

The Monty Python troupe had an impressive run on their television series and with a few movies, but they burned out. Comedy is hard work. When writing humor pieces I usually find that the first few funny bits pop right out, then I have to give the next few a good think. Later it's like pulling teeth. I've scrapped a lot because it wasn't worth the investment of time. (It's not like anyone is paying me.)

Comedies rely almost totally on good writing. A bad script for any film is impossible to overcome. In comedy especially. Of course you’ve got to have a good director. It doesn’t even need to be a director whose done a lot of comedy. Alfred Hitchcock directed one screwball comedy and it was one of the best of all time, Mr. and Mrs. Smith (1941). 

Howard Hawks directed some of our greatest comedies (His Girl Friday (1940), Twentieth Century (1934), Bringing Up Baby (1938)) but also directed westerns, gangster films, war pictures and anything else you can name. 

Billy Wilder directed a passel of good comedies but he was working with scripts that he co-wrote. 

Many directors exclusively do comedies and only a few of them are really good at it. Mel Brooks comes to mind. Sam Wood was pretty consistent as was Leo McCarey. Ivan Reitman and Harold Ramis had a lot of success too. But many of the worst comedies are cranked out by hacks who can’t seem to get it right. Many of these make money but they don’t add to the culture as they're rife with predicable bits, toilet humor and the over done man-getting-hit-in-the-groin. They're quickly forgotten.

Mike Mysers produced what I consider a masterpiece of comedy with the first Austin Powers film. His second Powers movie was not quite as good and the third was a dog. That's a reflection on how difficult it is.

Preston Sturges wrote and directed seven of our great comedies (highlighted by The Lady Eve and Sullivan's Travels both in 1941) in a five-year span from 1940-1944 and that, folks, was that. Nothing after.

Comedies also rely on the right actors and they don’t have to be people who deal exclusively or mostly in comedy. "Serious actors" have appeared in very funny films and been part of what made them good. Jack Lemmon, Robert DeNiro, Henry Fonda, Diane Keaton, Meryl Streep and Katherine Hepburn all graced hilarious films. If you can act, you can act funny.

Of course there are actors who have regularly graced comedies. Cary Grant, William Powell, Carole Lombard, Gene Wilder, John Belushi, Seth Rogen, Bill Murray and Catherine O’Hara, to name but a few.

Catherine O'Hara reminds me of the Christopher Guest troupe which had a great run of comedies such as Waiting for Guffman (1996), Best in Show (2000) and A Mighty Wind (2003). But there's been nothing new for years.

Groucho Marx in Duck Soup

(It appears that in some respects I’ve disproven my point. I’ve been able to write about funny films. Of course this hasn’t been terribly funny and I’ve mentioned films, directors and actors without giving any examples of how they tickle the ribs.)

Comedy is hit or miss for everyone involved. The writer, director and certainly the audience. There's little worse than watching a movie for laughs and getting nary a chuckle out of it. It takes a brave person to even try it.  Thankfully there are  talented souls who love getting a laugh and are willing to work at it. When it works they've made us laugh and laughter is one of the greatest gifts you can provide. The next most difficult thing to making a good comedy is writing about it. But I tried.

My Ten Favorite Comedies From Each of the Ten Preceding Decades

Twenties: The Gold Rush (1925) Chaplin

Thirties: Duck Soup (1933) McCarey

Forties: His Girl Friday (1940) Hawks

Fifties: Some Like it Hot (1959) Wilder

Sixties: The Producers (1967) Brooks

Seventies: Manhattan (1979) Allen

Eighties: Arthur (1981) Gordon

Nineties: Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997) Roach

Oughts: Mean Girls (2004) Waters

Tens: Pop Star: Never Stop Never Stopping (2016) Taccone/Schaffer

From the Horrible to the Wonderful: The Various Lives of Intimate Objects

Tea kettles have to get used to a burning sensation.

It can’t be easy to be an inanimate object. You have no voice to express yourself, no way of hearing or seeing. No agency in what happens to you. I feel sorry for them. One imagines, however, that the experiences of varying objects must range from awful to nice. (I don’t know that any can truly be said to experience bliss.) I thought it would be an interesting exercise to explore the lives of some of the more common objects that people interact with on a daily basis in attempt to imagine what their "lives" are like. Here then are some examples.

Tea kettle. Not a great life, I should think. Absolute searing pain from the heat every morning and sometimes in the afternoon and evening as well. Having water poured in you might not be so bad, but the flame beneath makes it whistle in terror and then it is poured out. Or most of it, anyway. Sometimes you’re left with water that gradually cools. Perhaps an unpleasant visitor as it has only recently suffered a the trauma of being steamed.

Toilet. Unimaginable horror. Best cast scenario someone urinates in you and then you are quickly flushed. Worst case you are defecated upon. You may also suffer the indignity of being vomited into. If you’re lucky someone cleans you regularly. The less said here the better.

Cell phone. This would have to be among the best positions the inanimate object can hope to attain. Of course if you’re shy you have to accustom yourself to being looked at constantly. On the other hand you are held a great deal and not roughly. That's nice. You’re also quite intelligent, possessing as you do, a computer. You are privy to all manner of otherwise private communications which might be interesting. You also get to take photographs and videos. You may even have games on you. You could also be full of music and you're up on the latest doings in the world. Not a bad life.

Toothbrush. You have to go into people’s mouths and clean their teeth. If you’re Margot Robbie’s toothbrush, not a bad gig. If you’re Donald Trump’s toothbrush (assuming he uses one) I pity you. You are fortified with toothpaste which has to make your job a lot easier and maybe even pleasant. The worst part of your existence might be after your bristles wear down a bit and you’re using to clean other objects — sans toothpaste. That’s dirty work and also indicates you’re one step away from the trash bin.

Pencil. This could be anything from tedious to fascinating. If you’re used to take notes in a classroom it could be educational. If you’re making marks for a carpenter, it might not be so much fun. If you are a pencil of color you get to draw. Sometimes you are born with an eraser attached at your end, giving you a companion. Sometimes one is added. You risk being chewed which has got to be awful. There’s also the possibility that you’ll be put in a desk drawer and forgotten or sit in a cup on a desk and be lightly used.

Floor lamps shed light on matters

Floor lamp. That’s a lot of standing, usually in one place. Hopefully you’re being dusted regularly. Generally speaking you have your days free and are again off duty when everyone goes to bed. I don’t know how it would feel to be left on when everyone has left the house or retired for the evening. You have a bulb in that will eventually burn out. Then you receive a new bulb which is stuck into you. That has got to be awkward. But you do bring bring light. Pretty cool.

Spoon. Like a toothbrush you’re going into someone’s mouth so this job definitely has it’s drawbacks. On the other hand you may be dipping into ice cream (brrr) which can be delish or hot soup which can also be tasty but hot. So you’re dealing with temperature extremes. You’re probably dropped on the floor every so often which would suck, but you get washed regularly, perhaps in a dishwasher which seems like fun. You get to hang out in a drawer with other spoons not to mention other types of eating utensils.

Socks. I hope you like feet because you spend a lot of time wrapped around them. You’re also usually inside of a shoe so hopefully you don’t suffer from claustrophobia. Of course the lives of work socks, dress socks, and gym socks are very different. Gym socks in particular have to absorb a lot of sweat, but even the most refined of socks worn during an evening out have soak up a certain amount of perspiration. But you get a good cleaning in a washing machine and then get nice and warm after spending time in a dryer. Hopefully you’re not one of the socks that gets lost in the cleaning process. That happens all too frequently and destroys one of the benefits of being a sock — having a partner. That’s got to be the best part of a sock’s life, you’re born with a twin. No loneliness! You also get to hang out in a sock drawer and if you’re owned by a teenager, there may be a stash of pot in there with you.

Coffee table. Congratulations! You’re the center of attention. You’re smack dab in the middle of everything. You probably have a good view of the TV. You’re considered important enough to have beverages of all variety placed on you, not to mention snacks and even occasionally meals. You likely have books and magazines sitting on you. Maybe a computer. Phones, keys, mail and other sundry objects may take their turns resting on you. Occasionally you have to forebear someone spilling something on you, but usually that’s wiped up in short order. Having such a prominent place in the home, you are constantly being cleaned off, dusted and wiped. Not a bad job.

Bed. Hard to know where to begin here. Obviously your main function is to serve as a place where people sleep for five to nine hours a night. But. Do you have one person or two people laying on you? If two then it is likely that you are also home to some bouts of sexual intercourse. How’s that? It might be that as a bed you accept whatever comes, but could it be that you are particular? Maybe a bed is happy with a handsome young couple copulating on it and has decidedly mixed feelings about older, less attractive or heavier occupants doing the deed on its premises. Of course even an individual might choose to pleasure her or himself while laying atop you. Is that any more or less embarrassing? You could, of course, be a child’s bed in which case you risk being urinated on. That would be awful, you’re not meant for that. In any case most of the time your occupants are sleeping, although I imagine snoring can be annoying for you. Maybe you do your own sleeping when everyone is gone. Fortunately you generally boast comfy blankets, sheets, comforters and pillows. That must be nice.

What I've learned from my imaginings about intimate objects is that their biggest challenge is generally boredom. Many of them spend most of the day doing absolutely nothing. A commemorative mug may sit forgotten on a shelf for years. A Christmas mug comes out for probably no more than a month a year. Then again for many the worst part of their day is when they are put in use as can clearly be seen in the case of a toilet or tea kettle. The cell phone is one of the privileged objects that gets frequent use, only suffers pain by accident and has access to a computer, music and more. Of course there were many things I didn't discuss such as the least fortunate of all objects, toilet paper. One shudders at the thought. I only mentioned a few pieces of furniture. Perhaps in a later post I'll consider the life of a chair, sofa, end table or desk. There are many more objects that live in the kitchen that deserve a look such as the ladle, spatula, frying pan and dishwasher. And what of the washing machine and dryer? Bookcases? Hangers? Dressers? Liquor cabinets certainly must have a different kind of existence. Lots to think about. I hope this tides you over until next time.

Complaining is Easy, Especially When You Don't Know What You're Talking About

The VP. Is she being Asian enough?

I received the following news alert from Politico on my phone this afternoon: “After four months in office, Kamala Harris faces a criticism that she is more focused on being the first black VP than the first Asian American one.”

And so we have my early nominee for the stupidest sentence of the year.

Here’s a thought, maybe Ms. Harris’ primary focus is on being the VP. Period. Full stop. And maybe, by being VP while Black AND Asian American she is being a Black and Asian American VP. 

I did not click on the story but I have to wonder if there was any criticism for her not focusing enough on being the first female VP. 

What mind would level such a criticism? Who looks at her and says, “yeah she’s being a Black VP, but I’m not getting much of an Asian-American VP vibe from her.”

This makes me wonder if Pete Buttigieg is being a gay enough Secretary of Transportation.

I am here reminded of a film I called Making Love (1982) Hiller. It was noteworthy for it’s story line: a married man comes to term with his homosexuality and leaves his wife for another man. For it’s time it was groundbreaking. Today it would seem rather tame and probably dismissed for not fully exploring its themes. However at the time I found one criticism of it to be baffling. A gay critic complained that the two gay men were both successful professionals and that’s what made them palatable to straight audiences. He said that was a cop out and he’d have preferred if at least one of the man was not so respectable. Does anyone else recognize the fact that if one or both of the men had been poor, unsuccessful or troubled, there would have been complaints about the way gay men were depicted?

I similarly remember complaints about the film Fatal Attraction (1987) Lyne in which Glenn Close played a spurned lover of a married character portrayed by Michael Douglass. Not to put to fine a point on it, but she went nuts. The movie was a critical and financial success. But. Some feminists objected to the depiction of a strong career woman as being a psychopath. Note to filmmakers: all strong, career women in movies must be morally upright people. I know that imposes certain limitations on you but we can’t have people thinking that strong career woman are by nature nutcases.

I recently read a criticism of Dances With Wolves (1990) Costner, the Oscar winner for best picture in 1990. It was a well-reviewed and popular film that, for reasons I’m not entirely clear on (other than it beat out Goodfellas (1990) Scorsese for best picture) has faced a backlash in the past twenty years. Anyway, someone on Twitter recently complained (and this contention drew support) that the movie is another example of a white hero (Kevin Costner) coming to the rescue of Native Americans. Good god. Do people ever bother to watch a movie before complaining about it? There are no heroics by Costner’s character that benefit the Sioux tribe he joins. He merely becomes a de facto member of the tribe as he comes to learn about, appreciate and adopt their way of life. They are the heroes. Not him. Indeed he makes life worse for them because the U.S. army is determined to capture and punish him for desertion. Dances has a depressed ending in which Costner and his wife leave the tribe to live in the Canadian wilderness, while the tribe itself must escape the oncoming white soldiers and settlers. But yeah, have it your way, he's another "white savior."

Criticizing politicians and movies is a perfectly respectable pastime and profession. But knowing what the hell you’re talking about should be a prerequisite. 

I liken this to the attacks on the song Baby It’s Cold Outside which, though there’s not a word about Yuletide in it, has been a Christmas season staple for years. It has become très chic in recent years to lambaste the song for being about being about date rape. A couple of years ago I debunked that claim by taking the radical step of looking at the lyrics. There's no rape in the song. 

I’m now reminded of an acquaintance who, like me, was not a tall man, complaining about Randy Newman’s song Short People for, supposedly, making fun of those of us who are vertically challenged. Here are some of the lyrics from that song: “Short people are just the same?As you and I/(A fool such as I)/All men are brothers/Until the day they die/(It’s a wonderful world).” The idiot hadn’t bothered listening to the song before bitching about it. The song is about prejudice, not an attack on short people.

But complaining is fun and easy and who has time to know what the hell they’re talking about?