My Sunday Diary Entry Reveals a Most (Extra)Ordinary Day

Girlfriend Hortense playing the bagpipe.

Dear Diary: Today I continued my inexorable descent into madness. I’m progressing quite nicely in this regard and should be completely insane in no time at all. I also washed the dishes, brushed my teeth and ate breakfast, though not in that order. Before leaving the house to run some errands I got dressed, at least I think I did. It may well have been that I got dressed shortly after leaving the house or indeed I could theoretically have gotten dressed just before returning home. In any event I was fully dressed upon returning home. The errands I ran are too mundane to here recount although they did involve visits to the village smithy, the apothecary and Bruno my aroma therapist.

Back at home I was visited by recently deceased Aunt Martha. We enjoyed a lovely cup of tea and some scones she herself made. Nothing was said of her funeral nor my failure to attend (it was on my lodge meeting night). Aunt Martha took an Uber back to the cemetery. Forgetful as always, she left her reading glasses.

I spent two hours in my continuing study of the Iroquois language. I’m getting to the point at which I can order meals, make hotel reservations and ask directions. I still plan to visit Iroquois next Fall, assuming I can find it on a map.

Got a phone call from my herbalist, Herb who told me that the new batch of herbs I ordered had come in. I thanked Herb profusely for the herb update. Herb is an herbalist par excellence.

Had roast goldfish for lunch. Went nicely with the plum wine Cousin Rashford made.

Did my daily calisthenics which today consisted of pirouettes, deep knee bends, deep ankle bends, backflips and flipbacks.

Sat down to prepare a legal brief but it was too long. A brief brief is not always so easy.

Sneezed.

Mined for gold in the backyard. Still no luck though I did uncover more of an ancient Indian burial ground. This may account for the poltergeist visitations I have suffered from of late.

My good friend Peabody McGander dropped by — literally, he fell from a low flying helicopter. P-Mac (as he is affectionally known) regaled me with stories of his recent gall bladder operation. We then chatted about this and that. P-Mac and I differ on this but agree wholeheartedly on that. Just as he was leaving my girlfriend Hortense arrived. She had been touring with all her all girl all nude bagpipe band. As a special treat she played Stairway to Heaven for me (on her bagpipes, of course). This inevitably led to a romantic coupling that I am too modest to recount here, especially as Hortense’s parents may read this (if you do, Mr. and Mrs. Gullypepper, please know that by coupling I mean chaste hugging).

Hortense and I went to our favorite restaurant for dinner, Seagull Sam’s Seafood Safari. I had the breaded blue whale steak and my girlfriend had the dolphin supreme salad. We washed it all down with Seagull Sam’s pure grain alcohol. Delish.

On the walk home I burped.

At home my beloved and I watched C-SPAN’s continuing coverage of the Bulgarian parliamentary debates. Wish they were subtitled.

Now to bed but of course had to catch you up, dear diary, on my latest doings. Sorry it was such an ordinary day. Maybe tomorrow I’ll have some exciting adventures to reveal. Perhaps there’ll me madcap hijinks or stunning achievements or death-defying acts of bravery.

Oh, oh, here come the poltergeists, never should have started that dig.

G’night.