12 January 2010

You Can't Make This Stuff Up -- But You Can Embellish It and Make a Film!

Gary Oldman as a loony substitute teacher?

I saw an out-of-date flyer posted on a school bulletin board titled: Oakland Police Safety Bulletin. It had two pictures of some gent and one of his car. The bulletin read in part: This subject was stopped and arrested by OUSD police at Emerson School on 4/21/08 for mental illness. He currently holds a position as a substitute teacher with the OUSD. (Interjection: Well of course, you'd have to be crazy to sub for the OUSD, just ask someone who does -- me!).
If he is seen in or about school, call the police immediately. This subject is unable to care for himself or others (Interjection: Typical sub!). As a result of a temporary or permanent mental condition (Interjection: Well, make up your mind!). His position as a substitute teacher is no longer active (Interjection: That seems a bit harsh). Mr L----- lives in his vehicle (Interjection: who can afford rent on a sub's salary?) and he's been seen around several grammar schools in the past two weeks. He drives a 1997 Mazda....etc.

This may seem a rather inappropriate topic for mirth-making but since the case is nearly two years old, I see no harm. I googled his rather unusual name and found a person of the same moniker with a Facebook page, but she was a she and he's a he. No other google hits for that name.

Okay Hollywood, come crawling to me for the screen rights to this story which I'm pretending I have. I may pitch a version of this in which the guy becomes dangerous, threatening kids and a heroic principal saves the day. I see Mel Gibson as the hero and Gary Oldman as the nutcase. We'll fit someone like Charlize Theron as a teacher to sex the story up.

Another angle we could go with is the poor wretch's redemption and recovery. Sean Penn plays the tortured soul who, guided by a heroic psychiatrist (I'm thinking Liam Neeson) regains his bearings and becomes a productive member of society. How's about Anne Hathaway as the love interest?

A third idea is still germinating in my head but involves aliens, or dinosaurs or super powers. Michael Bey, are you out there? We'll get Morgan Freeman as the president of the Untied States or God or Nelson Mandela (what, been done?) and maybe Robert Downey Jr. will sell another piece of his soul to star. Definitely a Beyonce title song and Frieda Pinto as the plucky female lead who combines sex appeal, bravery and smarts.

This is your soon to be wealthy and Oscar-nominated film blogger cum film producer signing off.

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