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| Maisy Stella and Aubrey Plaza in My Old Ass |
Last week I saw an unfortunately titled film called My Old Ass, a recent release directed by Megan Park. Despite its title I quite enjoyed it. Aubrey Plaza is the lone “name” attached to the picture and she has precious little screen time. But she makes the most of it and it is obvious that Ms. Plaza has developed into a star and more importantly an important actress; if she’s not at top of her profession she doesn’t have far to go. My Old’s lead is a young lady named Maisy Stella and we should get used to that name because based on this performance she’s going to be gracing the big screen for years to come. The role called for an absolute darling and one with a very free and inquisitive spirit. Ms. Stella delivered.
My Old Ass is about an eighteen-year-old getting set to leave the family farm for the big city. While tripping on magic mushrooms she is paid a visit by her thirty-nine-year old self (Plaza). Insights, conversations, wit and wisdom all ensue. One of the highest possible accolades you can bestow upon a movie is that it got you thinking. My mind was awhirl before the picture ended, thinking about my wife and what a great love we’ve had and I was nearly in tears.
In addition to it’s other charms, My Old Ass features The lakes of Muskoka, Ontario, Canada as a gorgeous co-star.
Naturally the film got me thinking of what kind of conversation I would have with my eighteen-year-old self. I thought it might go something like this…..
Hey kid. I’m you in the future.
I got old.
Beats the alternative.
This is really weird.
I’ve got advice for you.
Cool.
You’re going to be making a lot of mistakes and I wanted to help steer you away from them.
What kind of mistakes?
An endless variety. First of all you’ve got to be nicer to people.
I’m nice.
Superficially. Let me put it to you this way, think of how your actions affect other people. Always. Be thoughtful and considerate at all times. The merest comment, the slightest action can impact another person. And don’t be so selfish. Keep that ego in check.
Okay.
Another thing, I don’t know if it’ll do any good to say this -but you should be careful with drugs and alcohol.
I love to drink.
No kidding. Look you’re an addict and alcoholic. Fortunately you’ll end up in AA and will spend most of your life clean. But be careful with the stuff in the meantime. Some bad shit happens when you’re high.
Do I get hurt or something?
Not seriously but you’ll do a lot of things that will make you feel bad and some of which you wont remember the next day. Try to think of hangover as your body telling you that what you did the day before was not good for you.
All right. But lemme ask you, do I get married? Do I fall madly in love with someone who falls in love with me?
Yes, you’ll be very happy in that respect.
Cool.
You’re going to be lucky in life but things could go a lot smoother if you take my advice.
What else?
Be careful with money. You tend to spend it right away. It’s part of this general live-for-today ethos you have. You’ve got to think about the future more. I mean it’s fine to live in the present but especially when you’re young you should be looking ahead too. What am I going to be doing in a year, in five years, in ten years? You’re kind of a hedonist. Here’s something related: take school seriously. You don’t get off to such a great start in college, pretty soon booze and girls become far more important. Learn to balance things.
Makes sense.
You’ve got a lot going for you. You’re talented in several areas. You’re likable. Girls find you cute. You’re funny as hell and always will be. You’re smarter than you realize. You’re a good athlete. You’re a good writer. You’ve got gifts. Don’t waste them by fucking around all the time. And about writing, work at everyday. Working at things is key.
I like to have fun.
Who doesn’t? But like I said, you need balance.
What happens with Dad?
He’ll be fine and live a long mostly happy life. Be extra nice to him.
How about Mom?
That’s been rough on you and will continue to be, there’s just no getting around that. You’re going to spend a lot of time working through the damage.
Shit.
It’s the reality. I wish I could help you.
It doesn’t sound like I become famous.
I don’t know if you can change the course of your life but I’ll tell you this, to be famous you need a plan. Start with this: what am I going to be famous for? When you decide, work towards it. Here’s some advice that you give others later in life: the bad news about life is that in order to succeed you have to work hard, the good news about life is that in order to succeed all you have to do is work hard.
So it’s all about hard work.
Yup. Something you’re ill-suited for but you’ve got to do it.
I look in pretty decent shape for an old guy.
In middle age you start really taking care of yourself. Do yourself a favor and never stop working out or exercising or playing sports and get off the junk food early. When you get sober, stay away from sodas.
This is a lot to take in.
Yeah but the thing is, you’re up to it. Don’t sell yourself short. Sometimes you lack self-confidence. Back yourself to do better, to be better. You’ll be fine, kid.
I hope if I’m dreaming or something I remember all this.
Me too. Good luck.
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