“No more cocaine for me, I’ve had plenty,” said no one ever.
This is an odd but true statement: I was never quite a coke fiend. I could go days, weeks, without it, unlike alcohol which, when I was a practitioner, I couldn’t imagine doing without for a day or two. Some people would do a dry February, I’d do a dry afternoon. But coke was more a matter of availability. When it was around I was most interested. When it wasn’t I was okay. Once I got a taste I was ready and anxious for seconds and thirds and fourths and say is there any more?
A healthy snort into the right nostril, usually followed by a swallow of liquor. Maybe scotch. If it was beer than it was a whole bottle. Then the buzzsaw through the brain and wasn’t life just grand and wasn’t there so much to talk about and so many ideas and we’ve all got something to say and turn up the music and maybe let’s dance our brains sure are. Dancing. Oh and the seeming clarity. Life was in focus. So many shallow insights to make that sounded so profound and just right now I could do a little bit more of everything. Of anything. Name it, brother. Let’s fucking gooooooooooo!!!!
But after awhile there’d be a mellowing which would be fine for awhile but then you needed another boost. Get back up on the horse and ride that motherfucka. We can’t just sit here and talk. We needed to transcend. There were other levels to explore so set me up with another line and by all means you and you and you have some too. Say, how many of us are there? A dozen. Let’s count. One, two, three, four….huh, could have sworn there was….But never mind all that.
Another line, the ride continues and did I ever tell you about, no wait, let’s talk about, hey put on another record. Boogaloo. Come on boogaloo my friends. We’re all great, great friends. We love each other, we’re all so cool. Let’s mix martinis! I want to go to France, like tonight. Probably not though, maybe we could go to Tahoe. We can do whatever we want. But being here right now is cool too, this is like the whole world.
High, high, high hi there.
So yeah, once I’d done a line I was all in and more please, keep her coming. I was a master of getting free blow.
We can use my place if I can get a coupla lines.
I’ll set up the sale if I can get a coupla lines.
I’ll supply the booze if I can get a coupla lines.
I can hook you up with tickets if….
I can introduce you to this chick if….
Hell yes, I even prostituted myself for the white powder. Twice. Once with a woman (big deal, I liked her well enough and yeah she spent the night). Once with a man. Well, that was weird. But I’d done my experiment once when totally wasted and I was totally wasted so it didn't mean a thing. And I was super high and it was just physical contact and the guy was young and good looking so I grinned and bore it. Yeah the chick was easier "to do" and kind of fun though she wasn’t my type and I had a girl and — hey, wait a minute I was getting coke out of it so it was totally fine I didn’t need to make apologies. Everyone’s cool about that sort of stuff and it’s not I make a habit of this sort of thing. Felt weird after the guy like that is TOTALLY not my thing, but, you know, you forget.
My halcyon days. A coke whore. (Yeah man, but just twice.)
But I didn’t mention that I stole money right out of friend’s wallet to buy coke. A friend! That was bad but like all addicts I had a real knack for forgetting inconvenient truths. I also borrowed a lot of money to pay for coke. I might have paid some of it back. Maybe not. No big deal. It’s only fucking money. Does it really matter?
Now imagine if I had a real problem?
So I’m sober now. Have been for decades. I remember how nice a buzz could feel, especially after a stressful day. Just took the edge off. God damn but I took a lot of edges off in my time. I was forever taking off edges. The edge remover me. But the point is that I recollect good times with booze, certainly weren’t good enough to justify being a full down drunk. Nope. Don’t need that. The coke I remember too. But I’ve never missed it. Bad juju. I was lucky I didn’t need it everyday. That I could take it or leave it — unless it was right there in front of me or if I’d already had a taste. But you go to a party and there’s no coke, it’s cool. There is coke and you…. But I’ve explained all that.
It’s the good times I’ll remember. Whatever the hell that means.
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them. — From In My Life by The Beatles
