Not surprisingly, beginning a new decade in my life has not brought immediate changes. For example, depression still lurks and occasionally pounces. It has today.
I don’t know why other than it does this. I’ve not found a cure. I can ease its symptoms and wait it out. But that’s the extent of my powers over it. I went to a women’s gymnastics meet today. That was fun. I’ll watch a film with the missus tonight. I’ll enjoy that. A trip to the gym will provide relief tomorrow. Just as will work on Monday. Writing right now is also helping. But these do no eradicate the pain and when I’m done with whatever activity -- there it is again. Like someone staring me in the face from a few feet away. Someone whose withering gaze I can’t avoid. I feel miserable.
I never had depression when I drank, although I did suffer hangovers which brought their own version of depression.
I was also oblivious to depression as a child. Couldn’t have imagined it. This despite the fact that I knew pain quite well as a consequence of my mother being mentally ill. That pain didn’t last long. I had too much else to do, to enjoy. I loved being a child. I was really very good at it. I struggled a bit with being a teenager (who doesn’t?). The transition into adulthood can be confusing. Particularly as our bodies are changing as are those of the people around us. Girls are becoming women. Obsessions take shape and not all of them are good. Drugs can complicate matters as they did for me. I was also coming to grips with the reality of my mother’s condition — and running from it at the same time.
Once I had a few months of college under my belt the drinking got serious and my mood was generally good. The early days of sobriety were good too because I knew that I’d taken a positive step in my life. They call it the pink cloud in AA and mine lasted a long time. Then I got busy with the beginning of my teaching career and being a father. It wasn’t until my daughters were grown and out of the house that depression had time to settle in and make my life — at times — miserable. I’ve tried a lot to combat it, including medications (no more of those, thank you) even an expensive procedure in which my brain was zapped. That worked for a few months.
I’ve resigned myself to depression being a steady companion for the rest of my days although I’m still open to trying ways to eradicate it. You can’t just let it win but you've also get to be realistic about such things.
Thankfully panic and anxiety attacks are no longer plaguing me although I’m wise enough to still take precautions and take nothing for granted. Being hit by 200 megaton panic attacks scars you for life. Such attacks, along with my mother’s condition, have been the worst things I’ve had to put up with in my life. The premature deaths of several friends has also been terrible. They were good people taken — at least statistically — too soon. Once they’re gone they don’t come back regardless of what your dreams tell you.
Yeah the depression is still here. Writing all this helped so there’s that. You take what you can get and you keep plugging away. There’s no point in laying down and giving up not matter what the goddamned depression tells you.
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