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| My good friend (I wish) Dakota Johnson |
"Out, out, brief candle!
Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player
That struts and frets his hour upon the stage
And then is heard no more: it is a tale
Told by an idiot, full of sound and fury,
Signifying nothing."
-- From MacBeth by William Shakespeare
This is the Monday when most schools re-open after Winter Break — or Christmas Vacation, as it was known when I was young. As someone who taught in public schools for over twenty years, I remember it as the most difficult day of the school year, certainly the most depressing, certainly the one that was the most difficult to awaken for. It was similarly difficult as a child/student.
The best two weeks of the year had ended. Two weeks — that included Christmas, mind you — of sleeping in, being with family, good food, many of the year’s best films in theaters. Two weeks of freedom from the troubles of work. Then it was back to reality, the grind, normal life. The tree taken down, the ornaments put away. The peanut butter and jelly sandwich and diced carrots for lunch. The dreary walk or bus ride. The sad faces of co-workers and students. The struggle.
I’ve got much the same feeling this year as youngest daughter’s visit with us has ended. After two weeks, of course. This was an especially welcome visit as she had not been able to come out from New York the previous year due to the coronavirus. Now she’s returned and the tree will be taken out and the decorations put away and although I’m not currently “going to work” it’s back to the grind of working on the novel. Life is normal. Nothing special. No seasonal music, no family gatherings. Sameness.
The two-week vacation is a metaphor for life. It eventually ends. During the last few days there’s a kind of melancholy as one faces the reality that it’ll all be over soon. My life is becoming increasingly like that, there is a constant haze of melancholy knowing that time is running out. Yes, I’m in good health right now. I keep fit and maintain a healthy diet but there’s such a huge element of luck involved in staying alive. I’ve had two friends who were struck down by pancreatic cancer. They, like me, got plenty of exercise and ate healthily. It can all happen fast.
I know, I know, it’s not the proper attitude. One should live each day to the fullest, thankful for the gifts of health and life. One should be filled with gratitude for friends, family, food and in my case films.
Oh and I should be happy for the time I’ve had and anyway I could have another good twenty, twenty-five years left. Actually that doesn’t sound like much. When you can remember events from fifty, fifty-five years ago, having half that much time left doesn’t seem like a lot.
But….It’s better than nothing.
Yes, and I could have nothing. I could be out for a walk tomorrow when a tree falls on my head, or a drunk driver careers onto the sidewalk or I find myself in the midst of a mass shooting.
Fuck it. I’m going to make the most of every day — in principal. Keep writing, continue to hang out with the love of my life, listen to music, watch films, go to and watch sports events (there’s a double-edged sword). I’ll stay positive to as great a degree as I possibly can.
All that good talk aside, I wish it was two weeks ago instead of today. (How many times have I had that feeling? Whenever “winter break” ends, for sure.) Lamentations. Wishing for what you cannot possibly have is not healthy. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change....
What a wicked partner self-awareness is. To be plagued by knowledge and understanding and to seek answers and to be never satisfied with one’s lot. To continue to learn and by so doing have more and more questions to ask — with only a few answers forthcoming.
But I’m not going to start this odd sounding year (2022? I’m still getting used to 1986) on a totally down note. I am going to close by celebrating all the artists, writers, thinkers, scientists, journalists and athletes who will continue to supply more nourishment for the soul and the mind. Who will open more doors to greater awareness. Who will shine light on dark places, illuminating and brightening our world in the process. Ahh, to explore and to understand and to think are such great gifts.
Plus this will be the year that the coronavirus ebbs from the forefront of our activities and lives. This is the year that Trump will be brought to justice. This is the year that one of my sports teams will experience great glory. This is the year that I’ll put the finishing touches on my latest novel. This is the year that great and wonderful things can and will happen. There will be beauty and love and fun in great abundance. This is the year!!!
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