What's Happening With the Usually Benighted Author of this Here Blog

My good friend Rihanna who I recently accompanied to a dental appointment.

Some people have told me that they keep up with my doings by checking my blog every now and again. I imagine this is not an ideal way to follow yours truly as quite often I write reminiscences or about films or my views on pterodactyl hunting. Then again if depression, panic or paranoid delusions have me in there grip readers will be kept up to date. Be that as it may, as a service to those of you who want to know “waz up?” with me, I provide this laundry list of my recent doings. I do this primarily because there’s been a lot going on with me lately that I’ve not taken time to write about and I believe much of would be of interest to the general reader, not to mention my acquaintances, friends, associates, colleagues, confidants, paramours, chums, pals, homeboys, bitter rivals, enemies, neighbors and stalkers and stalkees.

So here’s the latest.

Two weeks ago I continued my top secret work as an agent for a foreign country (you seriously don’t think I can tell you which one, do you?). I snuck into the pentagon and took photos of highly sensitive documents. Later I did the same over at the CIA. Was caught in the act at one point so had to liquidate a security guard — my condolences to the Clank family of Virginia Beach.

I recently dined with the Baron and Baroness Von Hapsburg at their lovely chalet in the Strudel Mountains. The Baron had recently defended his wife’s honor (which is more than she's ever done) in a duel with a Romanian Count and was none the worse for wear.

Last week I looked up the word "sonorous" in the dictionary and spent a few days inserting it into conversations. My friends found this to be somewhat sonorous on my part while co-workers found me sonorous for doing it. Family members responded sonorously.

My bagpipe lessons have continued with great success. My teacher, Mr. McGillicuddy, says that within a few decades I'll be able to graduate from rank beginner. Neighborhood dogs continue to howl in protest whenever I play but I carry on undaunted.

Discovered that the capacity to forgive and the willingness to do so is the greatest power we hold as humans.

Whirled and whirring and finding folly in loving lashes of pure perfection made me more happily heroic. Sorta.

Ran afoul of the law. Nothing serious, mind you. Suffice to say that that's the last time I carry explosives with me. The officers were pretty good about the whole thing although my bazooka has been confiscated. Thank goodness I'd left my howitzer at home.

Created a bridge of understanding between people of divergent backgrounds with dissimilar life experiences and world views. Ate a muffin.

Vacationed in the Congo staying at my cousin Mugabe Hourula's house. Wrestled a gorilla. Then stopped off in Haifa to see my cousin Chaim Hourula. Sat seder.

Watched some re-runs of The Newlywed Game and thereby gained insight into the origins of the solar system. Witnessed the big bang during a hallucination which was precipitated by viewing too many car commercials.

Learned to speak fluent Iroquois. Carried on a long but one sided conversation with a deaf mute who turned out to be Apache. Sometimes I've got no luck.

Translated the Merriam-Webster dictionary into pig latin with the help of my friend Vaughn Castlemack who, it turns out, is deceased. He fooled me.

Babysat some Victoria Secrets models. We had a pillow fight and ate fennel.

Continued to dig for buried treasure, have thus far been only to find some priceless relics which I'm selling on eBay.

Danced by the light of the silvery moon. This was my first such experience having mistakenly danced by the light of the slivery moon in the past.

Tried to write a list of people who are bigger idiots than Donald Trump. After managing only the names of a few Fox News commentators, republican congressmen and tin pot dictators I gave up.

Bought low and sold high. Made a nickel in the process.

Performed my one man show at Carnegie Hall. My revue included a full orchestra and a group of actors and some can can dancers as I am unclear on the concept. Also played the trumpet for an a cappella choir, further establishing my bona fides as Mr. Unclear on the Concept. Thank you. Next I will be writing scripts for my improv group and dialogue for a mime troupe.

Dug in my heels. Made a stand. Refused to yield. Stuck to my guns. Held firm. Double downed. Battened down the hatches. Held the fort.

Personally escorted Rihanna to her dentist appointment, sat in the waiting room reading Redbook which was not a book at all.

Having developed the capacity to read minds I wondered the city streets and was shocked to find out how many people were thinking about micro waved macaroni and cheese. Was mildly surprised that so many women found me irresistibly attractive.

Join the US navy and promptly went AWOL. Am working on a full length novel regarding this experience.

Led a polar expedition only to find out once there that the North Pole has long since been discovered. Still wanting to make history recorded the first polka danced on the polar surface. New dance craze started called the Polar Polka performed by Pete and Pat Patterson the Polar Polka Princes. High Times magazine gave us four stars.

And just the other day I diverted attention, stole the spotlight, hammed it up, ran the gamut, played the fool, kept it on the down low, reached for the stars, chased my dreams, stooped to conquer, picked my spots, went all out, left nothing to chance, played the odds, waxed poetic, said my piece, played a hunch, ran amuck, took it to the limit, threw caution to the wind and wrapped it up.

As for today, well, I wrote a rather silly blog post about my recent doings. Am thus far undecided about whether I should post it. Will consult with my imaginary friend, Olaf. “What say you friend, Olaf?”

So it appears to be a go.