29 April 2017

La La La Life Goes On Plus My Exclusive Interview With the Almighty



We are the Village Green Preservation Society.
God save Donald Duck, vaudeville and variety.
We are the Desperate Dan Appreciation Society.
God save strawberry jam and all the different varieties
-- From Village Green Preservation Society by The Kinks

People often ask me the following question: who the hell are you and what are you doing in our living room?

But seriously folks, they do, they really, really do.

Fact is I don't know how I keep ending up in other people's houses, especially their showers. I do like to rinse off fully clothed and the desire to do so often overcomes me while I'm engaging in one of my midnight strolls through strange neighborhoods.

I also like to collect strangers' toothbrushes. Some people find this to be a weird hobby. Some people find me a to be a weird person. Some people have trouble finding me at all because I'm really good at hiding. (The key is to hide in places that people don't end up looking for or at or in.)

I also have a tendency to do things that I'm prone to do but if only if it fits into a consistent pattern of my behavior which is manifest by my usual habits and daily activities.

At this point I have to acknowledge that much if not all of what I've been writing has centered around one person. Now if I can just figure out who that person is maybe I can find a corrective. If I'm correct about correctives they can correct situations that are in some fashion incorrect. Fashion being something of little interest to me except as it pertains to attractive women wearing something fashionable or not fashionable or not anything at all which I suppose reads like I enjoy seeing women naked and as a matter of fact I make no apology for the fact that I do. (So here I risk charges of sexism, posting inappropriate content or appealing to prurient interests to which I say the following: I very much doubt that at my age I appeal to prurient interests, my wife finds me appealing but beyond that I am more known for my wit and charm than being an adonis.)

I now interrupt this blog post for an interview with The Creator, the one and only God. I came across the deity during a prayer. I was in the midst of asking for gold, Rihanna and perfect health when the holiest of holies cut me off by saying: why not save your breath? You're always asking for some crazy shit that's pretty much impossible. Maybe try some questions that you can get answers to. Fine, I retorted, I'll ask you different questions, how about an interview? The Almighty (who refuses to identify by either the feminine or masculine pronoun) agreed. Here is a transcript.

Me: Is God your last name?
God: Seriously? I don't have a last name. Duh.
Me: A first name?
God: Craig.
Me: So you're male.
God: Dude, I'm totally kidding no first name. I'm just plain god.
Me: I gotta get this one out of the way, is the apocalypse coming?
God: I assume you mean to Earth. Well I'll tell ya I've got a lot on my plate right now but its on the back burner. Not sure when I'll get to it.
Me: Yikes! How's it going to come to pass?
God: Gimme a break, I haven't even decided when. Baby steps.
Me: Baby steps?
God: Yeah, it's a core philosophy of mine. Actually I stole it from a Bill Murray film called What About Bob? Murray cracks me up.
Me: You laugh a lot?
God: You're kidding, right? Watching the mess you people make of things is non stop hilarity, except for the uglier things like war, genocide, torture and all that inhumanity. That's not funny. But some of your politicians, priceless stuff.
Me: How do you listen to everyone's prayers and know what everyone is doing at all times?
God: Who said I did?
Me: I thought you were omniscient.
God: Yeah but I'd like to know who spilled the beans.
Me: I think its pretty common knowledge among most religions.
God: Shit, that was supposed to be a secret.
Me: What do you think of Muslims, and them calling you Allah.
God: Hey, they're no worse than the fucking Christians. And I'm not hung up on God as a name. Allah is just as good. Actually I'd kind of like a nickname. Like Kizzy.
Me: I'm not even going to ask....
God: Good call.
Me: Do you have any siblings?
God: A younger brother Larry and an older sister Ruth Ann.
Me: You're jerking my chain again.
God: Nope. I'm on the level.
Me: How come your big sister isn't lord and master of the universe?
God: She had a drunk driving bust freshman year so that took her out of the running.
Me: If you've got siblings you must have parents.
God: Yeah, the Rosebergs of Fort Lauderdale.
Me: They must be so proud.
God: No, they wanted me to be a doctor. Anyway, I gotta split, its the weekend and athletes are in full prayer mode. Check ya later.
Me: Peace out.

No comments: