07 April 2016

Alternative Advice for Being a Teacher -or- Important Steps Toward Total Incompetence

Previously on this blog I've given advice to people considering teaching as a profession. There was a first part and later a second. But here I offer advice for those of you looking not to excel at teaching, but to stink the joint up. I hope it helps...or harms...whatever.

Never answer questions. Students will start to feel dependent on you for information and clarification. They should learn to seek and find answers on their own.

After collecting student papers toss them out immediately. You want to resist all temptation to “grade” them or write comments. Trust me, grading is a colossal bore.

Give all students Fs. This will motivate them to try harder.

Whenever possible come to class in an advanced state of intoxication. This will make dealing with any unpleasant students you may have much easier to bear.

You should always feel that clothing is optional. Especially on warm days. Don’t feel duty bound to conform to society’s repressive rules about being “dressed.”

When speaking to your class it's good to mumble. This trains students to listen carefully. Unintelligible remarks should also  be thrown in to keep students off balance.

Words to the wise: Come late, leave early. Your lessons will thus be shorter and you’ll have less planning to do. (Then again "planning" is discouraged.)

If a student speaks out of turn — regardless of the school, the course or the age — strike them repeatedly on or about the head with a blunt object or sharp instrument. Repeat until blood flows freely. Alternatively you can use cattle prods, pepper spray or electric drills. Anything to make your point.

Make demeaning remarks to students, most particularly the younger ones. Insults, put downs, harsh criticisms, racial slurs, belittling, persecuting and castigations are also recommended. Builds character.

Feel free to nap during class time. It’s a good opportunity to stack up a few z’s so that you’re fresh during your off hours.

Laugh uproariously at student mistakes. Laughter is the best medicine so everyone will enjoy a hearty chuckle.

Don’t make eye contact. Look at the ceiling or the floor but for the love of god don’t look at your students.  You don’t want them to start getting ideas about interacting with you.

If you’re dealing with personal problems, share them with the class. If you aren’t dealing with personal problems, make some up. It’s a great time killer and really there’s nothing as important as that.

It’s always good to break into a samba in the middle of a lesson, particularly if you are explaining a complex point. The benefits of this should be self-evident.

Rules are made to be broken so don’t bother having any. If you’ve got rules you’re setting yourself up to enforce them and that takes effort. In the same vein, don’t exert any discipline.

Always remember that students are your sworn enemies. Treat them with the contempt they deserve.

Feel free to not show up every now and again. You deserve the time off and they shouldn’t need you all that much anyway. Don’t bothering trying to arrange for a substitute teacher either. If you do it’ll mean having to prepare a lesson and nobody wants to do that. Speaking of which….

Don’t prepare anything. What they say about the best laid plans of mice and men is true. Why go to all the bother of preparing a lesson plan when something is liable to throw a monkey wrench into it? As for curriculum, well the very notions is simply passé.

If by some miracle a student learns anything remember that you deserve all the credit. You’re awesome. But if a student fails to learn it’s on them, they’re a bunch of idiots.

Never give tests. What? You want to have to grade the damn things? C'mon!

Keep students off guard by feigning tourette’s syndrome. Make sure you toss in a healthy dose of particularly vulgar profanity.

If you need to have a boil lanced class time is as good as any to get it done. Just find a physician or homeless person willing to perform the procedure.

Blow off meetings, co-workers, social niceties, extra curricular activities and any other time wasters. However you should be diligent about getting paid and doing all necessary paperwork towards the end. You are, after all, a professional.

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