The Pros From Dover - or - What I've Been Up to of Late

Some of my friends and I hanging out.

Some people have told me that they keep up with my doings by checking my blog every now and again. I imagine this is not an ideal way to now what’s up with yours truly as quite often I write reminiscences or about films or my views on pterodactyl hunting. Be that as it may, as a service to those of you who want to know “waz up?” with me, I provide this laundry list of my recent doings. If you want to know more, check recent police and intel reports.

Two weeks ago I continued my top secret work as an agent for a foreign country (you seriously don’t think I can tell you which one, do you?). I snuck into the pentagon and took photos of highly sensitive documents. Later I did the same over at the CIA. Was caught in the act at one point so had to liquidate a security guard — my condolences to the Clank family of Virginia Beach.

I recently dined with the Baron and Baroness Von Hapsburg at their lovely chalet in the Strudel Mountains. The Baron had recently defended his wife’s honor (which is more than she's ever done) in a duel with a Romanian Count and was none the worse for wear.

Last week I looked up the word "sonorous" in the dictionary and spent a few days inserting it into conversations. My friends found this to be somewhat sonorous on my part, while co-workers found me sonorous for doing it. Family members responded sonorously.

My bagpipe lessons have continued with great success. My teacher, Mr. McGillicuddy, says that within a few decades I'll be able to graduate from rank beginner. No guarantees.

Discovered that the capacity to forgive and the willingness to do so is the greatest power we hold as humans.

Whirled and whirring and finding folly in loving lashes of pure perfection made me more happily heroic. Sorta.

Ran afoul of the law. Nothing serious, mind you. Suffice to say that that's the last time I carry explosives with me. The officers were pretty good about the whole thing although my bazooka has been confiscated. Thank goodness I'd left my grenade launcher at home.

Created a bridge of understanding between people of divergent backgrounds with dissimilar life experiences and world views. Ate a muffin.

Vacationed in the Congo staying at my cousin Mugabe Hourula's house. Wrestled a gorilla. Then stopped off in Haifa to see my cousin Chaim Hourula, sat seder.

Watched some re-runs of The Newlywed Game and thereby gained insight into the origins of the solar system. Witnessed the big bang during an hallucination which was precipitated by viewing too many car commercials.

Learned to speak fluent Iroquois. Carried on a long but one-sided conversation with a deaf mute who turned out to be Apache. Sometimes I've got no luck.

Translated the Merriam-Webster dictionary into pig latin with the help of my friend Vaughn Castleback who, it turns out, is deceased. He fooled me.

Babysat some Victoria Secrets models. We had a pillow fight and ate fennel.

Continued to dig for buried treasure, have thus far been only to find some priceless relics which I'm selling on eBay.

Danced by the light of the silvery moon. This was my first such experience having mistakenly danced by the light of the slivery moon in the past.

Investigated selling ad space in my dreams. May be on to something.

Hit the campaign trail on behalf of my old friend, Peabody McGrew. After several speeches was informed that he is not seeking any public office and is in fact serving a long prison sentence. Ate a crepe.

Road the rails from New York to San Francisco. Met many colorful characters. Formed a hoboes union, led a miner's strike, made mulligan stew, slept with the farmer's daughter, baled hay, swam in the Mississippi, made moonshine, danced a jig.

Made a lasting impact and an strong impression on the impacted and impressionable. Took a nap.

Remained extremely humble. Boasted about it.

Retained my position at the firm despite a shocking lack of effort or initiative. Proving again it pays to know where the bodies are buried -- literally in this case.

Wrote a rather silly blog post about my recent doings. Am thus far undecided about whether I should post it. Will consult with my imaginary friend, Olaf.

Olaf said, "go for it."