13 December 2015

Incident in the Subway

So here I am sitting in jail and for the life of me I can’t figure out why. What did I do that was so wrong? They say I killed a guy. Well yeah, I suppose. But if this isn’t what you call justifiable homicide then the term doesn’t exist. I mean, come on they should be pinning a medal on me, if anything.

What happened was I was standing on line at the subway station waiting for my train, I had a good position too, third in line which meant I was likely to get a seat. So I’m standing there and I hear an announcement that the train is delayed like five minutes. I think, oh shit, who needs an extra five minutes waiting for a stupid train? I worked all day, I’m tired, I want to get to my apartment maybe pop open a beer and turn the TV on. But what are you gonna do? Ya just gotta wait.

So I’m not in the best of moods when I see this guy. He’s pacing back and forth between my line and the next one. (See the lines are formed on the spots where the train doors open.) Anyway, he’s yakking away on his cell phone. You could tell he was talking to people at his job and that he was some sort of boss there and he was giving orders about one thing or another. Also this guy was pretty young, like in his late 20s or early 30s. The worst thing was his arrogance. I mean this guy was full of himself which you could just hear in the way he talked. Maybe worst even than that was that it seemed like he was showing off. “Hey everybody, I’m a big shot and I’m so important that even during my commute home they need me at work to give orders.” I started to hate this bastard something fierce.

I tried to make eye contact but this guy was so into himself that he wouldn’t have noticed an elephant let alone some schmuck trying to make eye contact. But I kept staring at him with my eyes squinted like they are when I get mad. I shifted my body so that I had a clearer view of the douchebag, I was really getting steamed, I tell ya. Yap, yap, yap that’s all he was doing like he was some biiiig executive who all of us should be so goddamned impressed with. Meanwhile it’s still a few minutes before my train is supposed to arrive and my back is hurting from standing there and my feet are sore and I gotta piss all of a sudden. I kept sighing. These big loud sighs. I’m thinking this might get his attention but no, he’s oblivious to me and everyone else — like I said he wouldn’t have noticed a pachyderm.

Then someone squeezed past me on their way to who knows where and his backpack smacks me in the arm. Did this chump say “excuse me” or anything? No of course not. I was getting fed up with human existence and was even more irritated with the cellphone guy. He was still flapping his gums, the bastard. It sure sounded like he was barking orders at some poor schlep at work or making some big important business deal that would have probably put more money in his bank account at the expense of someone else. He was clearly the type of guy who was all about making money no matter the effect on anyone else. He probably was one of those anti tax libertarian types. More, more, more for me. I’m sure he had a big house in the suburbs and two gas guzzlers in his garage and he probably started out his business life with a lot of his dad’s money and went to some high end business school and got an MBA and didn’t know hard physical labor from a trip to Saturn. This asshole was the worst and he was just reveling in talk, talk, talking on his goddamned cell phone.

Meanwhile the train is even later than they said and there's some annoying, crazy homeless guy in my face asking for money and I gotta shoo him away and this woman behind me is cussing -- which I hate hearing in public -- and there's somebody with a boom box if you can believe it. Everyone is getting on my last nerves which are frayed as it is.

Well finally the train comes and the bastard ends his call and then what does he do? Gets in the fucking front of my line! Can you believe it? Someone says, hey you gotta get in the back, you can’t cut like that, but what he does is he says he was originally in the front of the line and only strayed a bit when he took the call and the other person says okay that’s fine then. Well it’s not fine to me. I’m fuming. I don’t believe for a second that this guy started in the front of the line. I just didn’t. He was for sure used to getting his way and could never, would never, be stopped no matter what. Guys like that have been taking advantage of everyone else forever.

I was gonna take a stand. On behalf of all of us who’ve been pushed around by slimy bastards like this guy I was going to get justice. As the train came into the station and approached the end of the platform where I was standing I did the only sensible thing. I left my place in line and pushed the son of a bitch in front of the train. As I approached him I could smell the disgusting aftershave that he’d bathed in. As I touched him I could feel his silk shirt under the thin sport coat and I could feel the skin underneath it all. Yeah I gave him a good push and he screamed and by god my timing was perfect because he was still in the air when the train smacked him and sent him flying. It was a sight I tell ya.

People screamed and hollered and the train shrieked to a stop and I was suddenly panting but I really felt pretty good, like a hero and all. That’s why I couldn’t understand why people were pointing at me and looking at me like I was some sort of a maniac or something and I really really couldn’t fathom why the cops grabbed me. Shit! I wanted to go home and here I was being taken away from the station and in handcuffs no less. I didn’t think I’d be getting a medal or nothing like that but if anything I deserved some thanks for what I did. Couldn’t they see I was doing everyone a favor and anyway I’d practically been driven to it by the way that guy had been yammering away on his cell phone being such a Class A Jerk.

I got asked a bunch of questions but was too confused by what was going on to really fully understand them so I just basically stared straight ahead and said nothing except when I asked could I use the toilet and could I have a drink of water.

So here I am sitting in this cell and I’m like what the fuck. What’s gonna happen next and when do I get to go home and if I gotta stay long who’ll feed my cat, the poor thing. I mean, don’t they know I got a cat? This is just crazy and…I don’t know. Now that I think about it maybe I shouldn’t have pushed the guy like that. Maybe not. Maybe a punch in the nose would have done it. Ahh the hell with it, I did what I felt was right at the time. Not gonna second guess myself. But I hope the guy didn’t have kids or anything like that. Well what are you gonna do? You can’t go back and change what you’ve done. I’ll live with my actions. That’s all we can do.

That’s all we can


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