24 August 2015

In Lieu of Another 'Apology Tour' Other Countries Offer Thanks to the US -- You're Welcome Representative King

“Americans are tired of apologizing,” King continued. “We’re a proud people. We’re the vigor of the planet and there’s nothing for us to apologize for until they come and thank us for the things we’ve done.”

The Village idiot, aka Representative Steven King of Iowa, is right. Americans have nothing to apologize UNTIL such time as the country is thanked — presumably by foreigners — for all “the things we’ve done.” King was speaking on a Minnesota talk show where he said he wanted a president who wasn't troubled by the legacy of slavery. You know, a moron who doesn't know his history or has no moral compass. He also brought up the "apology tour" that Obama has supposedly taken. (I don't know, an apology tour sounds kind of boring to me, I'd much rather tour the Caribbean.)

But King's point remains that before the U.S. doles out any apologies a whole slew of thank yous need to come our way. With that in mind I’ve arranged for representatives of other countries to thank us. Take it away.

“I am from Vietnam and I would like to thank American for all the napalm and the carpet bombing in the ‘70s. 'Preciate it.”

“Hi. I come from Hiroshima in Japan. On behalf of my city and my friends in Nagasaki, a big thank you for the atomic bombs. Also a cousin of mine from Tokyo says thanks for the fire bombings there.”

“Hello. On behalf of all Filipinos I wanted to give a big thanks for the atrocities and war crimes you committed in repressing our people in the aftermath of the Spanish-American war as we were trying to assert our independence. Oh and thanks for the looting and the killing of prisoners too."

“Yeah, hi I’m an Iraqi and I wanted to express my gratitude for your invasion of our sovereign nation on false pretenses and the over ten years of death and instability you’ve brought, not just to us, but to the whole region. Special thanks for all the pseudo Islamic radical groups that have sprung up, they’ve been a great add to our area.”

“Howdy. As a Yemeni I wanted to thank you one and all for the drone strikes particularly the one that killed 12 innocent people on their way to a wedding. You guys rock.”

“Just a quick thanks from us in Pakistan basically for the same thing the Yemeni guy was talking about. Drone strikes have taken out a few of our civilians too.”

“Actually I’m from this country in a much more real way then you are. I come here representing not a country so much as the Native nations and tribes that were indigenous to what is now the continental United States. We all wanted to let you know just how pleased we are with your wiping out some of our tribes in toto, moving others off their land and destroying, to as great a degree as possible, our unique cultures. This diaspora couldn't have happened without you.”

“He can I chime on that? I’m also from here although originally from Africa. I know we were originally brought over by the British but you folks were kind enough to continue to provide free rides for us from Africa to your shores even for a bit after you became a country. We also owe you big time for the slavery that kept us in chains and whipped and raped and sold like cattle and also for the subsequent years of Jim Crow and the lynchings that became so common. How can we ever express our gratitude?”

Hola. I’m from Mexico and want to offer a big gracias for that whole land grab called the Mexican war. Thanks for taking all that land off our hands and we also are grateful that many of you continue to demonize us. Nice touch.”

There you go Representative King. Thanks from all over the planet. And I’m sure there are others who would like say thank you. That being done maybe Obama can go on an actual apology tour. Or better still maybe you could do it, knothead. 

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