06 March 2015

The Job Interview

There’s this guy sitting down to be interviewed for a job. Ron. Ron Tasser. Friends sometimes call him the Tass. Used to be play football. Four years of high school and two years of college before he got tired of all that practice to just sit on the damned bench. He was a lineman. Still in decent shape but frankly could drop maybe 25 pounds. Rate he’s going he’ll be good and fat by middle aged. Not there yet, still just 29. Thirty next month.

So Ron is sitting there with beads of sweat on his forehead waiting for Mr. Simpkins — that’s the guy doing the interviews — to come back. Ron’s wearing a suit that looks pretty sharp but truth is Ron has never felt comfortable in a suit. He’s much more a sweatpants and tee shirt kinda guy. Ron has to take a crap. Again. He’s nervous. Been on the can three times already today. Ron also thinks maybe he put on too much cologne. He's never sure how much to use. He can't tell does he smell like crap or perfume.

Ron wants this job. Needs this job. Otherwise he’s gotta call dad and ask for a loan. Hasn’t had to do that since senior year of college. Sign of a loser to be getting loans from your parents when you’re almost 30. Maybe they’ll send him some money for his birthday. That would be cool. Wouldn’t have to pay that back.

Ron’s intestines are in knots. Hurts like hell. Always happens when he's nervous. Used to happen before football games and before dates when he was in high school. Wishes he could have a beer. Will when this is over. Maybe see what Ken is doing. Ken’s his buddy. Drives a forklift, they’ve been hanging out since high school. Ron sighs. Thinks he can sneak out a fart but then Simpkins comes back in smiling and apologizing.  Ron says how its okay. God he feels uncomfortable. If they hire him he’ll have to get used to wearing suits everyday.

Simpkins asks him the standard questions. Ron gives the standard answers. He’s trying like hell to seem relaxed but also enthusiastic. He’s doing a good job of remembering all the tips he’s gotten from online articles and stuff about how to act in an interview. Somehow the topic of football comes up and Ron says he played two years in college. Figures what the hell and says his career ended because of a knee injury but quickly adds that he’s completely okay now. Not that they’d give a fuck if he could run or block or tackle. Anyway Simpkins seems to really dig that Ron played football.

Ron tries not to notice that this Simpkins is an ugly little fucker. Skinny, bald a big blotch on the crown of his head. Terrible breath too. But the guy’s got a picture on his desk that must be of a wife and two kids. Anyway Simpkins seems to like him so that’s all Ron cares about. He also takes it as a good sign that the interview goes longer than scheduled and that Simpkins keeps asking questions and looking at the resume. Shit that resume is padded, Ron thinks. Half of it is total bullshit. Long as they only check on the real important stuff it’ll be cool. If they dig deeper Ron can forget this gig. He’s got an interview next week and is due to hear back from Monday’s interview soon but that’s it. Anyway this seems like Ron's best shot at a position head in months.

Simpkins has to take a call. His secretary puts a folder on the desk. She’s super cute. Kind of looks like Ron’s girlfriend, Naomi, only Naomi seriously needs to drop some weight and this chick is fit. Simpkins gets off the phone and does his phony baloney apology thing again. More sweat is forming on Ron’s forehead. Would look bad to wipe it with a hanky so Ron just sits hoping no drops get in his eye. Happened to an ex roomie of his once.

Finally Simpkins says that it looks real promising that he can’t guarantee anything but will check references and consult his boss and get back to him early the next week. Ron can’t tell whether he feels great because he might get the job or because the damn interview is over and he can go home get out of the suit and hook up with Ken for a beer. Maybe they’ll catch a flick or watch some basketball at home. It's Friday so what they hell. Naomi is visiting her sister so Ron is as free as a bird.

He shakes hands with Simpkins and is mortified that his palms are so sweaty but what the hell, Simpkins barely gives a handshake anyway so probably doesn’t notice. Ron heads out and checks out the secretary again who says bye and wishes him a nice weekend. Ron responds politely but immediately begins to fantasize about banging her.

Ron and Ken end up watching basketball on Ron’s sofa and ordering pizza then watching a Spiderman movie. Naomi get’s back on Sunday and they go out and Ron thinks he might have to propose to her especially if he gets the job. Naomi may have put on weight but she's still cute as hell and her and Ron are in love.

Late afternoon Tuesday Simpkins calls. Ron got the job. He can’t fucking believe it. One week of freedom before he starts. Shit, have to buy another couple of suits. What the hell, it’ll be worth it. Ron takes his comfortable dump in nearly a week.

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