24 July 2013

Some Simple Rules for Commuting

Fellow commuters: In order to sit next to me on a bus or the subway one of the following criteria must be met:
1) Be morbidly obese. Chubby overweight or portly won't do. You've got to look like you swallowed a mini van whole.
2) Smell like a brewery. Just a whiff of alcohol on your breath won't do, we're talking here about putting out the odor of one who has fallen into a vat of liquor and then stuck around for a swim.
3) Be having a profanity-laden cell phone conversation. The louder and angrier the better. Be sure your telling someone off tearing them a new one and given' em hell and in no uncertain terms as loud as possible.
4) Chatter to yourself. Preferably be engaged in a long monologue detailing the exploits of the corrupt mob-tied aliens who have invaded your brain.
5) Be playing your iPod at quadruple maximum full strength wall cracking super volume. It should be so loud that even with my iPod on I can hear the heavy metal cacophony as if I was locked in a closet with the band.
6) Reek to the heavens. Be on your way home from your job of shoveling pig manure. Especially if you took a couple of spills during the day and were working in 100 degree temperatures in humidity that would kill a snake.

Now what happens if when I enter the vehicle there are no empty window seats and I have to sit next to someone? Simple. Let's just make sure that any empty seat is next to some ignoramus male who by virtue of having gotten their first feels justified in taking up two thirds of the sitting area. Have those legs spread buddy and don't move more than an quarter of inch when I come to sit. Seriously it's okay. I'll sit half out in the aisle thus increasing the number of times a swinging backpack plunks me. Which reminds me. Folks I don't care how crowded the bus or subway is and how bulging your back pack. Leave it on and forget its there. Other passengers are just abstract objects anyway and feel no pain when your brick filled backpack slams into their ribs.

And to all commuters: the words pardon me or excuse should never be uttered. Whether knocking a person flat on their back stepping on their face or hip checking them across an aisle just plow forward. You are far too busy and important to acknowledge the havoc you've wreaked.

Thank you. See you on the bus!

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