As a Landmark Birthday Approaches, I Ponder Life and Ask Questions

On Wednesday I’ll be celebrating my 70th birthday. Goodness me, I’m old now. 

I have accepted with grace all previous birthdays. I took bows for my 60th and even wrote a countdown to that day on this blog. Hell, 60 wasn’t even retirement age, I wasn’t even a  senior citizen yet. Now I’m a goddamned old man. Worse than that I’ve crept — run? galloped? hopped? — a lot closer to the end of my time here. How much longer do I have? Given that I live in the United States I could be gunned down tomorrow, if not later tonight (thanks NRA). Cars careen onto sidewalks, trees fall on pedestrians, sudden earthquakes send buildings tumbling down on passersby, alien invaders zap civilians with killer rays (okay that last one is a bit of a long shot). The point is there are zero guarantees as to how long we’re going to stick around. I had two of my healthier friends die of pancreatic cancer, not to mention a couple of students who weren’t even 21 when they died from other forms of cancer. On the plus side I’m healthy. I work out regularly, walk a lot in between and maintain a healthy diet. I’ve had nicks and bruises and colds and the flu but nothing serious in my first seven decades. My father lived a healthy 91 years before the toll of a freak fall claimed him a year later. My mother was 81 when she died which is remarkable given that she was mentally ill, smoked and had a mostly poor diet. My grandmothers stuck around for long lives but I’ve already far outlived both grandfathers. For that matter I’ve outlived one helluva lot of famous people. Just for starters: Jack Kerouac, John and Robert Kennedy, Malcolm X and Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., Adolph Hitler and Franklin D. Roosevelt, Abraham Lincoln, Michael Jackson, James Dean, Amelia Earhardt (presumably), Marilyn Monroe, John Lennon, Billie Holliday,  Napoleon and Sylvia Plath. The list, as they say, goes on.

I just googled “what percent of people live to be 70” and the first answer I saw was 43 which is a ten point increase over the beginning of this century. So I’m in the minority (if I make it to Wednesday). Nice accomplishment but let’s shoot for more. 

Seventy years. Do you realize how many times I’ve urinated? (Speaking of which, try counting the number of different places that you’ve peed, it’s impossible, there’s a lot). I guess no one really wants to contemplate how many times anyone else has taken a whizz. Jesus, how many tacos have I eaten? How many apples? How many gallons of water have I drank? Why aren’t there statistics on these kind of things that are readily available to us? Maybe in the future. What was the coldest day I’ve ever experienced? What was the hottest? How many different students have I taught? How many teachers have I had? How many sports events have I been to? Dear god that would be a very large number indeed. Basketball games alone. How about movies? How many have I seen? Which have I seen the most? I could name a score or more that I’ve watched over a dozen times like It’s A Wonderful Life, Duck Soup, Manhattan, Goodfellas, Christmas in Connecticut, Casablanca and more. How many hours have I spent staring at the TV (while it was on)? How many of those hours were wasted like when I watched Hogan’s Heroes re-runs when I was 18 years old and how many of those hours were well-spent like when I’ve watched Breaking Bad or Monty Python’s Flying Circus?  How many books have I read? (I’ve written five.) How many books have I started but never finished? How much time have I spent “on” a computer and how much of that time has been wasted and how much productive? How many miles have I walked? How many women have I — maybe I won’t go there in this post, besides I know that number. How many times have I stubbed my toe? How many airline miles have I flown? How many colds have I had? How much snot have I blown out of my nose? (Sorry about that one.) What’s the closet I came to dying? What famous person did I walk by but not notice? What famous person did I walk by before they were famous? What’s the closest I’ve been to a murder? How many children do I have? Wait, I know that one…two. I also know that I’ve only been married once and since I got it right that number can be etched in stone. How many hours of music have I listened to? How many different pairs of shoes have I owned? How much money have I spent? And how about a breakdown of how that money was spent. I can’t imagine how much I’ve spent on housing, clothes, restaurant tabs, booze when I was drinking, books, movies, sports events, high end call girls (the answer that one is zero). How many people (women, generally, I presume) have secretly loved me? How many people have hated me? (Besides school administrators.) How many of my former students remember me fondly?

Bigger question: has it been worth it? Simple answer: God yes. Despite suffering from occasional depression being alive has been great fun. I had a marvelous time throughout my twenties and loved being a new father and for that matter an old one. Teaching has not been without its horrors but for the most part it’s great fun and I’m told I’m good enough at it. I’ve seen great athletes, great games, great teams, great moments. I’ve written some insightful, entertaining pieces and at least one book that a lot of people have enjoyed. I’ve enjoyed spending the last 39 years with the love of my life. Talk about luck! My children have made me enormously proud. I got to play sports and coach. I had some unforgettable moments in both roles including scoring the winning goal in my soccer team’s California state championship victory when I was 16. I’ve also met some truly interesting, funny, thoughtful, brilliant, unique people. It’s been a great ride. This despite the fact that I’ve made some horrible blunders and terrible decisions and done some incredibly stupid things. I have a lot to regret but so much more to celebrate.

I constantly fret about the inevitability and finality of death but know that it’s better to enjoy the one thing we have for sure: now. 

Now is okay. I’m doing fine. No need to rue the past nor worry about about the future. Not when there’s the present to enjoy. Not an original idea, I know, but worth remembering. Think I’ll do that.

The Distractions of the Internet and Those Darn Homophones -- All in One Post

Nothing is better at distracting a writer than the fucking internet. In many cases people do their writing on computers and looky here that’s one of the places where the internet can be found.

"I’m just going to" are the four most dangerous words in the world to a writer.

I’m just going to check my email.

I’m just going to check the scores.

I’m just going to check the weather.

I’m just going to see if I’ve had any responses to the comment I posted on that forum.

I’m just going to check the news.

I’m just going to see if my paycheck has been uploaded.

I’m just going to google that person whose name occurred to me for the first time in years.

The problem with “just going to check one thing” is that it often turns into several one things. And even if it doesn’t, checking one thing can eat up a lot of time. You check your email and find something you have to respond to. You check the scores and end up looking at highlights or reading about a game or checking the standings. You check the weather then check the next day’s and the day after that. You check that forum and find someone responded to your comment and you’ve got to respond to that plus you need to check all the other comments that have appeared since you last visited. You check the news naively believing that you just want to see what’s going on in that one situation but there are three or for other stories that you read about. You check your pay and find that it's not what you thought it would be and so you dig into that. You google that one person and that reminds you of someone else to google and that reminds of you still another person.

By the time your done dinner is ready or it’s time to go or you can’t put off that chore any longer. Your writing time is gone.

Some writers don’t do their work on a computer that’s connected to the internet. First problem: how many frickin’ computers do you think I have? Second problem: I’m constantly looking things up when I’m writing. The dictionary, the thesaurus, or something that will inform my writing. My last two novels are historical and I’m all about accuracy so am constantly having to look something up to make sure that event could have happened that day.

Discipline. That’s what it comes down to. I have a great deal of self-discipline (is self-discipline redundant?) when it comes to most things like eating, exercise, teaching and keeping up with chores, but the damned internet is a real siren. Ya know what else? It’s still feels new. I guess that’s a consequence of my being old. We’ve had the internet in the house for 25 years. For a lot of people that’t there whole life or most of their life. I was already in my forties when it came along. It seems indispensable now but I lived a lot of years without it.

Time flies is at once trite and quite true. My goodness smart phones have already been around for over fifteen years. I grew up in a time when if someone was caught staring at a phone they’d be considered a candidate for the booby hatch.

Who says booby hatch anymore? Or laughing academy? Or funny farm? Or nuthouse? We take mental illness far more seriously than when I was a kid. It’s odd that people would refer to it as the laughing academy given how depressing a place mental institutions are. I think that one of the signs of good mental health is being able to have a good chuckle. Of course it has to be at something funny. You find someone laughing at boiling water then….

At the end of the previous sentence I initially typed than. I had to think for a second whether I wanted then or than. You’d think I’d automatically know that one by now. It’s like weather or weather. Then there’s the whole site, cite and sight business. Sorting those can eat up a few seconds of writing time. I don’t usually hesitate with hole or whole. Maybe because their meanings are opposite. It’s and its can be vexing. They’re easy to miss. However I’m careful with their, there and they’re. The worst mistake with a homophone I ever saw was when I was subbing. An English teacher had written roll call (it’s role call). An English teacher! In a classroom! Not a good look.

I can't think of how to end this post. Sometimes that's an issue for me. Maybe I'll just type the end. There, that did it.

Make a Difference in the World AND Attend Lots of Meetings -- Be a Teacher

A Typical American classroom of today

Do you like going to meetings? Consider a career in education! 

I work at an international language school in San Francisco. The other day a young co-worker of mine who only recently graduated from university told me that she was considering pursuing a career as a public school teacher. Knowing my background she asked if I would share my wisdom and experience with her — when time allowed which it hasn’t yet. I said I'd be glad to.

I’ve given teaching advice on this blog before, here’s a widely cited and beloved post in which I did just that and here’s a follow-up post that was also met with universal adulation. But that's not all! Yes, I gave more advice in this a third post on the topio.

But I’d like to add to those wisdom-laden posts with this: Be prepared to sit through one helluva lot of meetings.

By my last year as a public school teacher there were meetings every Wednesday. The first Wednesday of the month was reserved for staff meetings. Wednesday number two was set aside for department meetings. On the third Wednesday we were blessed with team meetings (a history, English, science and math teacher would have the same group of students). The final Wednesday was for district wide meetings, usually segregated by departments. If there were fifth Wednesdays in a month it would be filled one way or another with some sort of meeting. Hurrah!

Lunches were not exempt from meetings. Once a week we’d have a team meeting at lunch. Once a month we’d have a faculty senate meeting at lunch, unless there were some sort of crisis such as trouble in contract negotiations in which case there’d be extra faculty senate meetings.

Of course there was always the opportunity for (or should I say, risk of?) parent conferences (a form of meeting) that could be just before classes, right after classes, at lunch or — most dreaded of all — during one’s prep period.

There were also meetings with administrators. Perhaps a parent had lodged a complaint or it was your year to be evaluated. If the latter, that called for several meetings a year. You might be called in for other reasons too. Might? Hell, you would be. There was always something an administrator needed to see you about. 

You might also find yourself on a committee (never volunteer) which meant lord knows how many other meetings. If you were taking a turn as union rep that was easily a couple dozen extra meetings a year and if you were on a union committee there were maybe ten more.

Don’t forget emergency meetings. Schools are notorious for having emergencies so count on a least a couple.

Maybe you’re the social type and want to help plan staff parties for Christmas or the end of the school year. Groups that have meetings plan those things. 

How many meetings would you attend in a typical year? I refuse to count but having read this far you’ve got the idea.

The good news about being a public school teacher is that the actual teaching day is not all that long. Maybe 8:45 to 3:00 with a prep period and a lunch break. Having your work day end at three is a huge plus. Or so it would seem. Remember you might well have a meeting to attend. Maybe one at another school or at the district office. And if you're meeting-free there’s likely papers to grade and lessons to plan and copies to be made. You might also have to make a call to a parent (they’re never home). Speaking of parents, an angry one might come see you or an administrator might want to take issue with you or pass along a complaint. Sometimes students will come by for extra help or they too may have a bone to pick. You might even cross swords with a colleague or have your ear bent by one over one problem or another.

Some days you can get out of Dodge fairly quickly. You might be caught up with grading and planning. Cushy job. But the day is going to weigh on you. An incident with a student. A lesson that fell flat. A class that you lost control of. A complaint that was passed a long. Those things pray on your mind. You think about them while you’re dealing with issues outside of work. Dirty laundry is piling up. There’s a leak in the kitchen sink. You’ve quarreled with your significant other. Your mother is sick. There’s loud construction going on next door. You need to take the dog for a walk and he’s due to go to the vet and you're due to go to the dentist and shouldn’t your oil be changed? And what if you have kids? You’ve got to get them home, feed them, hear about their day, keep them away from the TV and help them with homework. At least your favorite show is on that night and you’ve started a mystery that you can read three pages of before sleep becomes irresistible. Meanwhile in the back of your mind is that class that couldn’t settle down and what the hell you’re going to do about James and his irate, unreasonable mother and that student who's lying to an administrator about what you said to her. Plus while today there were no meetings tomorrow you’ve got a parent coming in before class, a team meeting at lunch and a department meeting after school. What's more you’ve got to get ready for a sub the day after because you’re going to a one day professional development in another city and you’ve got to make special arrangements for childcare that day because you won’t get back home until after 5:00. Planning for a sub is a lot of work. And the day after the sub you hope they've left you a note detailing the day and that there are no big messes to clean up.

I didn’t mention professional developments, did I? Count on those too. Oh and if you’re a first-year teacher they’ve got extra meetings for you. It never stops. And say, did you sign the birthday card for the janitor? Lordy, I forgot IEPs (Individualized Education Programs) if you're a special ed teacher you'll have oodles of those and in general even MORE meetings. My oldest daughter is a special ed teacher. She spends a lot of time in meetings. Not what she signed up for but there it is.

Okay so I painted something of a bleak picture (but I didn’t exaggerate). How did I manage it for 20 years? Because despite it all teaching is fun, rewarding and gives you a rush that your college roommate who’s now an accountant can only imagine. 

Go for it!

Once Again I Have Questions (Good ones too)

Why do people always have their cake and eat it too? Why doesn’t anyone have their pie and eat it too?

Why do things always run the gamut? Couldn’t they simply walk it some of the time?

We often hear about something being the last straw. How about a warning when there’s still a straw or two to go?

I often hear of people making bucket lists. I’m surprised so many people own enough buckets to make a list of them. 

We’re often told to put our hands together in recognition of an entertainer or speaker. Doesn’t that render it impossible to applaud them? Don’t we need our hands apart?

Why don’t people “make it snappy” anymore? Doesn’t seem that people “get the lead out” anymore either.

We used to be told to be places at two o’clock “sharp” Where did “sharp” go in this context?

Why are people always “in the middle of nowhere”? You never hear of people being on the outskirts of nowhere.

Doesn’t nowhere have to be somewhere? If nowhere were nowhere it wouldn’t exist.

Saturdays and Sundays get a lot of attention because they comprise the weekend. Friday is beloved because it kicks off the weekend. Monday is hated because it starts the work week. Thursday is liked because it portends the coming weekend. Wednesday is recognized as hump day. But what about Tuesday? Is it a day with no personality?

People often go the extra mile. Why just the one? Why not go extra miles?

You sometimes hear of people walking on eggshells. Why didn’t anyone sweep up those eggshells? Who leaves eggshells on the floor?

I heard of something being a blessing in disguise. The obvious question here is: why would anyone disguise a blessing?

You ever someone say, “it’s not rocket science”? Okay but have you ever heard a rocket scientist say it?

They say that it when it rains in pours. But doesn’t often just sprinkle?

Who is "they"?

I’ve been told that an event will happen, “rain or shine.” Did you really need to tell me it would happen on a sunny day?

If you don’t count your chickens before they hatch, how are you going to know how many chickens you have?

Ever try to wrap your head around something? It’s physically impossible. 

Sometimes people play the devil’s advocate. So why doesn’t anyone play God’s advocate?

What's with the word "so"? People are so tired. So cute. So hungry? So pissed. So tired that what? So cute that what? So hungry that what? So pissed that what? So tired that what? So sick of this word.

Do people ever say, "let's get this party started" before an actual party?

Why is that concessions stands at sports venues never make any actual concessions?